Pajama present

For Christmas, I was thinking about getting matching pajamas for everybody in our extended family. I thought it would make for some hilarious pictures, and we'd all get some comfy pajamas out of it.

JW thinks this is the stupidest idea ever.

What do you think?

Read More

Things that happened at work today

I spent about six hours on the phone.

I got stuff to clients late because I couldn't work on anything because I kept having to be on phone calls.

I got an assignment at 4 p.m., an assignment at 5 p.m., and an assignment at 6:30 p.m. where the client signed off with, "I need your input by Monday. Have a great weekend!"

When I snuck out (with a bag full of weekend work) so I could get home in time to put the kids to bed, nearly all the other associates in my hallway were still there. Turns out that while I was on all those calls, everyone else was getting recruited for an "emergency" deal that is somehow supposed to go from zero to closing in under a week! So I was the lucky one. They're stuck there all night and all weekend.

In an email, a friend asked if there was anyone at the firm whose job I would want, both in terms of content and hours, and if so what it would take for me to get there. You know what? The answer is no. When I think about it in that context, it doesn't matter whether the problem is them or me.

Relevant: have you seen this yet? I think every single one of my biglaw friends has either emailed me this or linked to it on Facebook. This one is my favorite.

Also relevant: In case you can't tell, I am obviously in need of this.

Read More

Feelings

This week in school, K's class has been drawing pictures of their feelings.

Here's how he felt on Monday:


And here's a picture of a time he felt intimidated.

Read More

MILP Roundup #273

The weekly Mothers In the Legal Profession Roundup is hosted on a rotating basis at the Butterflyfish, PT Law Mom, Attorney at Large, Attorney Work Product, Today Advocating Tomorrow, here, and Magic Cookie blogs.

This edition of the Roundup covers posts for the week of October 8-14.

Full of the Dickens hates the label on baby formula telling moms that breast is best.

Mommy on the Floor is taking on The Man, in this case the Boston Public School system. (This post is actually not in the week I'm recapping, but as a fellow Bostonian I'm reposting it out of personal interest. BPS has this bizarre "school choice" system that is being overhauled.)

And okay, this isn't in my week either, but go give Grace a big hug. As the title of her blog suggests, she is under pressure.

The Reluctant Grownup is figuring out her new daily schedule.

Attorney at Large is reminded that "every public appearance . . . is a chance to ruin a good reputation."

Lag Liv had a family getaway.

Kate of Today Advocating Tomorrow had an X-Files moment.

Alice in Wonderland is living with her own little Rain Man.

Butterflyfish captures her middle child at 21 months.

Izzie of Only 3 Years is preparing for work.

And 'round these parts, I tried unsuccessfully to quash my consumeristic urges.

Tune in next week for Roundup #274, in which we will all reveal our secrets for seamlessly integrating our personal lives with our career choices. We'll have figured it out by then, right?

Read More

Low point

You guys, today was bad.

I've cried in the office before, but not for a while, and never with anyone watching. But today, after weeks of being up late working and up early working, after a morning of attempting to stay home with two sick kids while the phone rang every two minutes, after calling JW in a panic and going in to work the moment he got home, I got this email. It was totally nonsensical. It was from a client who sets ridiculous deadlines and then raises issues at the last minute and wants to go through them in excruciating detail even though they don't matter. And when a partner came in and said, "What is this," and I started explaining what had happened, he paused and said, "Are you okay? You seem upset."

If only he hadn't said, "Are you okay," I would have maintained my delicate emotional balance.

But I didn't. And then I had to explain that I wasn't freaking out because of the email, but that it was the last straw.

He gave me a lecture on pushing back. He told me to go home, which of course I couldn't do because I had three other things that I had promised would be done by the end of the day. (And I DID push back on those things... last week, when clients asked for them "ASAP.") And at least the upside was that he took over this particular project, which I REALLY needed a break from. It was almost done and I am happy to have him push it over the finish line so I never have to deal with these people again.

But yeah. I spent half the day crying in my office while trying to write contracts. This other partner walked into my office to give me a twenty minute sales pitch about working with a new client, and the whole time I was focusing on breathing deeply and staying calm. And it's almost midnight and I am, just like every night, in front of my laptop -- I just sent out some documents and I'm preparing to work on one last agreement before I can go to bed.

I'm trying to set boundaries. I really am. But nobody else seems to have any. I can't tell you the number of times in the last few weeks that someone said, "How soon can you do this," and I said, "I'm tied up for the next few days, but I'll get it to you by the end of next week," and they negotiate me down by a few days, and then I stay up half the night doing it anyway, even though I had a week, because so many things came up in between. All that stuff that's on my list? I don't start on it until 5 p.m., when the phone stops ringing so much.

In case you're wondering, I haven't gone part time yet, although I have taken some steps toward it. I'm sort of using the next few weeks as a trial period, because part time will not work unless I can effectively manage my schedule. I am so not there yet.

Read More

Things I have thought about buying

I wrote recently about how, despite conventional wisdom, I value some of my possessions just as much as experiences. After all, aren't your possessions part of your daily experiences? The key is that the stuff that really makes me happy is stuff that I thought about, wanted, and planned for over a long time, rather than stuff that I impulse bought.

So I'm trying not to impulse buy anything. This was easy for me pre-Internet, but now I'm always looking at pictures and stories about other people's stuff, and I think, "ooh, I need that too!" As an experiment, I'm going to try posting the stuff I'm tempted to buy here, instead of actually buying it. I'm looking at it as collecting these items for later, so if I ever really need any of them, I know where to find them again. Of course, this could backfire and every time I look at my blog I could be reminded of all this cool stuff that I'd like to buy.

Here are the things I thought about buying this week:

1. Fingerless gloves to keep my hands warm in the office.
2. Zumba Fitness Wii game (and other Wii fitness games... even though let's face it, I already have three that I have not used in months. But if I had this one, I'd actually use it because I'm bored of the other ones and this one will motivate me! Maybe.)
   
3. A scarf.
4. The following books: Simplicity Parenting by Kim John Payne and Lisa M. Ross, The Extraordinary Education of Nicholas Benedict by Trenton Lee Stewart, Everyone's Reading Bastard by Nick Hornby.
   
5. Curtains for the living room. These are way too expensive for me to ever justify buying, but I love the patterns and the robin's egg color.
   

And here are the things I actually did buy: Lunch (1 day). Diapers. Groceries. Ice cream treat for K. So far this week, I've been good, despite the Trader Joe's shopping spree on Columbus Day.

P.S. A few updates:

• I'm trying NOT to buy things. Why are you all leaving me comments encouraging me to buy things?
• I left out two things I bought last week: breakfast for me and K at a neighborhood diner on his day off (worth it!), and This Is How You Lose Her by Junot Diaz. I used to be a big library person, but lately every time I want to read anything, it takes a month to get it on request, ad then I have to actually get to the library during the three-day window after they notify me. Kindle = more money but instant gratification.
• This post actually did backfire. I bought the second two of those books (the Hornby one was a $2 short story), and I found that EXACT same curtain fabric on sale at fabric.com and bought 18 yards for $80, enough for curtains for my entire living room, AND while I was on a decorating kick I bought some beautiful sheets of fine paper from Paper Source to use as decorations for that blank wall in our room with blotches where the electricians left holes. So, I don't think I will make this a weekly retrospective of things I thought about buying. But I don't regret any of these purchases either. I'm just trying to rein it in.

Read More

Adventures in pushing back

First attempt: Try, but fail.
Partner 1 calls me: Do you have time to work on Project X?
Me: I'm swamped this week, but I can do it next week.
P1: Great, I'll tell Partner 2 you can do it.
P2: Glad you're on board. I scheduled a call with the client tomorrow. Get up to speed on the documents before then.

Second attempt: Fail.
Partner 3 calls me: Hi. I think you'll really like working with this new client. They need blah blah blah boring documents. Here is five minutes of background information. Great, so get started.
WHAT I SHOULD HAVE SAID: I won't be able to work on the documents this week. If you need them immediately, you should probably ask another associate.
WHAT I SAID: ...Okay. I won't be able to get started right away. What is the timeframe?
P3: We should get something to them soon.
Me: This will take a while, and we don't have all the information we need. What if I email the client today with a list of questions. That way they know we're on it.
P3: No, we need to send them all the documents.
Me: What if we send them a subset of documents. It will take me a while to do all of them.
P3: No, we need to send them all the documents.
WHAT I SHOULD HAVE SAID: I won't be able to complete the documents on this timeframe.
WHAT I SAID: Well, I'll take a look and see what I can do.
The next day I send him an email saying that I won't get the documents done until Friday.
Partner 3 calls me four more times over the next day and a half. BUT!

Third attempt: Silver lining.
P3: Just send me whatever you have. We need to get them something immediately.
Me: I haven't done anything. I don't have time to do this until Friday.
P3: Well, what can you get done today?
Me: Nothing. I can't do anything until Friday.
P3: I guess I will do them.
Me: Okay, thanks. I can take over on Friday.
Victory! I didn't cave or apologize. Did I piss off the partner, well, can't do much about that. Except stay up all night working. And I have done way too much of that lately.

My failure to clearly say NO resulted in the partner being annoyed, me being under a lot of pressure to spend quite a bit of time on work that I dislike, AND having to delegate a project that I really would like to do because I won't have time for it. Lesson learned... maybe this time it will sink in.

Read More

Wisdom of the day

This comes from Unclutterer.

In his book Thoughts Without A Thinker, [American psychiatrist Mark Epstein] relates a wonderful story about a glass:

"You see this goblet?" asks Achaan Chaa, the Thai meditation master. "For me this glass is already broken. I enjoy it; I drink out of it. It holds my water admirably, sometimes even reflecting the sun in beautiful patterns. If I should tap it, it has a lovely ring to it. But when I put this glass on the shelf and the wind knocks it over or my elbow brushes it off the table and it falls to the ground and shatters, I say, 'Of course.' When I understand that the glass is already broken, every moment with it is precious."

Read More

Why Women Should Stop Trying to Be Perfect

A few people have recommended this article to me: Why Women Should Stop Trying to Be Perfect by Debora Spar, the President of Barnard College. I think it misses the point.

Clearly this article is in the same vein as Anne-Marie Slaughter's Why Women Still Can't Have It All. But while Slaughter calls for systemic change, here are Spar's recommendations:

1. Don't try to be perfect. You don't have to bake homemade madeleines for the school bake sale. HAHAHA. My kid is lucky if I remember there is a bake sale. The baby dumps the contents of the bookshelf on the floor and we step around the mess for two days until we finally have time to clean it up. Trust me, I am NOT striving for perfection here.

2. Get your husband to help out.
I could not possibly have a more supportive husband. JW picks the kids up every day, cooks dinner every night, prepares lunches, does the dishes, and picks up the slack when I'm not around without ever complaining. And did I mention that he has a demanding job of his own? Supportive husband = necessary but not sufficient.

3. It takes a village. Get your neighbors and friends to help out.
I could have an army of nannies. It wouldn't help. Because my problem is not that I need more people to take care of my kids. My problem is that I want to take care of my kids, or at least spend more than an hour a day with them. I asked a male colleague how he dealt with this and he shrugged, "Well, there's the weekend..." For me, seeing my kids two days a week just isn't good enough. (Plus, I work on the weekend too.)

I  feel like the model Spar is working off of is outdated. Her suggestions buy you more time to do work. That's not what I need. In our generation, I think an increasing number of us, both men and women, are rejecting the division of labor that puts one spouse at home and the other in the workplace. "Having it all," for us, means having both a satisfying work life and a satisfying home life. It shouldn't be too much to ask.

ETA: This article reminds me of  the study showing that women do negotiate salary, but still end up getting less than their male colleagues, and of the argument made 30 years ago that there were so few women partners because women were just starting to graduate from law school in equal numbers so we didn't have a good pipeline. In all three cases, conventional wisdom was that if only women negotiated, if only more women became lawyers, if only husbands were equal partners at home, these problems would be solved. All those things happened, and all the same problems are still around. So we're looking for new solutions -- and more complex explanations.

Read More