5 months (almost)

Doctor's appointment today: X is 15 pounds, 11 ounces. He's up three pounds and three inches from his 3-month appointment. The redness on his face is eczema, not just a drool rash like we thought, which explains why he claws at his face whenever he gets the chance. (Poor X inherited that from me. In hot weather, it takes all my self-control not to scrape the skin off my arms.)

The boys have been getting along very well. X's favorite person in the world is his big brother. When K is around, the baby just watches him and smiles and laughs. K enjoys playing with him and chanting, "What a cuuuuute baaaaby." K has also appropriated most of the baby toys and has endowed them with various superpowers. Unfortunately, K's favorite person is still me, so I can't fully exploit him to entertain the baby while I get chores done. I would love it if the baby's worship of his brother were mutual, Lag Liv style.

Last week I became a trial member of a local gym that has childcare. I've been going almost every day. I like the idea of being a gym-goer, and this place has a pretty serious clientele. Watching others at the gym, for the first time I'm beginning to understand what people mean when they say they "work out" (as opposed to running on the treadmill for a while and doing some stretching and situps). But I'm not sure if I'll manage to keep up this habit after my maternity leave ends, and the gym is pretty expensive. I probably won't continue after the one-month trial.

I also became a member of the MFA, and spent a rainy morning there wandering around with X. I hope we'll go back at least once more before my leave ends. We left a lot of the museum unexplored.

We spent the weekend at the in-laws' house. K splashed in the lake the entire weekend. This is the same boy who cried because his face got wet at his swimming lesson. I'm glad he got over that quickly.

Best news of this week: X can start daycare at the beginning of September! So we don't have to cobble something together (yay!) and I can start work on time (ambivalent).

Read More

Solo weekend

I spent the first few days of the week hanging out with X at home, napping, practicing the keyboard, taking walks around the neighborhood, and recovering from our week out of town.

By Thursday I needed to get out of the house, and went to a playgroup run by our town's Family Network. It was good to get out and see people. Even though X screamed the second I put him in the car and didn't stop until I released him from the seat in both directions, as usual, at least the ride was only four minutes long. X was the youngest one there. I struck up a conversation with the two other moms of babies, but then they started competing about whose kids drank the least juice and I wandered away. I sat under a tree with a few moms and little kids until X started to squawk.

On Friday I was a little bolder and hopped a bus to Harvard Square. I didn't have a clear aim in mind, but when we got there I decided to take X to the Sackler Museum. (The Fogg, which displays modern art, would have been my preference but all the Harvard art museums are being renovated and they only have a small portion of their combined collections on display at the Sackler.) To my surprise, he LOVED it. I have never heard him babble so enthusiastically as when we were walking around those galleries. And as soon as we stepped into the stairwell, he would stop.

JW had to spend the entire weekend working, so it was me and the kids. Yesterday, we stuck around because X was having digestive problems and spent most of the day screaming. We played Hose Sprayer Man in the driveway, took a walk to count satellite dishes in the neighborhood (K hates taking walks unless there is some purpose, like collecting leaves or counting snails or dishes), and tried to help a neighbor find a lost dog.

Today I thought we could go to the MFA, where they have this Chihuly glass exhibit I thought K would love. (Also, they have air conditioning, which I would love!) But by the time we got it together, it was already 3 p.m. and the museum closes at 4:45. So we decided to have an adventure instead. We took the T into Boston and went to the playground at Boston Common. That part was great. The next part, not so much. It was such a hot day and there's a movie theater close by. I suggested we go see the Pooh movie. I told K that if X started to fuss we'd have to leave, but I hoped X would sleep through it. We ended up leaving with a crying child, but not the one I expected. The previews and commercials terrified K, especially a Sprite commercial where a guy's face breaks apart and turns into robotic parts. (Hello, theater manager! This is a movie for three-year olds about a bear who walks around the woods with his friends in search of honey!) At least we got a refund. X screamed all the way home and I ended up nursing him on a bench in the bus station, then pulling him off and running for the bus. Two separate kind women helped me get the stroller on and off the bus.

Other weekend activities: playing and playing and playing with K (who likes to give directions like, "You come down the stairs and say, 'Where's K?' Then you go in the living room. When you hear me laughing, say, 'Who is making that laughing noise?' Then come sit on the couch and pretend you don't notice me and I'm a pillow." K complains that his grandparents, who tend to go off-script, "don't play right").  De-scaling X's head. De-spidering K's playroom. Having the neighbors over for dinner and grilling something all by myself for the first time ever! (More or less. JW took the meat off the grill when I got distracted by K's potty emergency.)

And now it's Sunday night and as usual I'm wiped out and looking forward to Monday. When I'm back to work, what will I look forward to? I have a feeling life will be unremitting exhaustion.

Someone sent a message to one of my parent mailing lists advertising a room in a sunny Cambridge three-bedroom apartment to share with two other female grad students for $600 a month. I keep thinking about that for some reason. It just sounded so nice and simple. I know this is what we wanted, the kids, the big house in the nice neighborhood, the fancy jobs. I wouldn't give up the kids, of course (although it would be awfully nice to have grandparents nearby), and I know the rest is optional. But sometimes our lives seem so needlessly complicated.

Read More

Seven qualities we want for our kids

I'm reading the excellent book Respectful Parents, Respectful Kids, which applies the principles of nonviolent communication to raising children. The central idea is that both parents and children have the same basic needs, including autonomy, respect, love, play, and health, and that parents and children should mutually respect each other, listen for the basic needs behind the requests and statements we make, and work together to meet each other's needs. We should avoid blaming, calling names, making demands, and issuing ultimatums -- even though these are accepted parenting techniques, when we use them we set a bad example and make our kids less likely to cooperate in the long term.

The book discusses the "Seven Keys to Cooperation" in detail. The first is "parenting with purpose", meaning that you should clarify your purpose in raising your children before figuring out what actions to take. At  first I thought, doesn't everyone have the same purpose in raising their kids? But one of the exercises challenges you to list seven qualities that you most want to see in your children when they become adults. Thinking about this, I realized that most parents would have at least slightly different lists. Here is mine:

1. Compassion, for themselves and for others.

2. Integrity: an internal drive to do what they feel is good, right, and just.

3. Open-mindedness: willingness and desire to consider all points of view, to learn from unfamiliar people, places, and ideas, and to change their minds.

4. Critical thinking: thinking deeply, questioning, and analyzing issues.

5. Confidence: feeling secure that they are loved, worthy, and can work to accomplish their goals.

6. Generosity: willingness to give of themselves, to friends, family, strangers, and causes, within appropriate boundaries.

7. Silliness: not taking themselves too seriously and making room for a little whimsy in their lives.

What's your list?

Update:

Here's a list from The Reluctant Grownup.

On the next page, the book asks you how you can demonstrate these qualities to set an example for your kids. As I reflected on this, it struck me that these are all qualities that I have and value about myself. Many that I considered but that didn't quite make the list of seven -- including creativity, humor, and a sense of adventure -- are qualities that I wish I had more of and would love my kids to have, but that I guess I don't consider essential. (After all, how can they be essential if I don't have them?) So this is really a list of the best of me that I'd like to pass on to my kids, and I would guess that's true for most people.

Read More

Home again, home again, jiggety jig

TGIM! K is at school, X is napping in his crib, and all is right with this little corner of the world. Our 10-day trip was fun, but it's good to be home. A quick recap:

Friday: Drove to Grandma and Grandpa's house, stopping on the way for lunch. K stayed awake the whole way, a first. X did not, thank goodness. (We have to time our trips around X's naps. If he is awake in the car, he screams and screams. I had several conversations with members of JW's family in which I revealed this fact and they kept repeating, "But babies love the car!" Throughout the 10-day trip, this refrain kept echoing in my head as X screamed so hard that he made himself sputter and cough. Babies love the car.)

Saturday: 4th of July parade in town, K's favorite event of the summer because the passengers on antique cars, floats, and fire engines throw candy to the kids. Our last time having prime seats on the porch, since the house on the corner is being sold after 100 years with the same family.

Sunday: Big family dinner. I can't imagine not having these one day, even though JW's parents keep making noises about retiring somewhere warmer.

Monday: JW returns to Boston, I stay on with the kids. Before he leaves, we hang around JW's grandmother's house for a while, and then go to a cousin's beach where K forgets he hates being wet and has fun splashing around.

Tuesday: With much protest, K goes with me, X, and Grandma to Adirondack Animal Land, where he feeds goats and deer. (K is such a pain in the ass about going anywhere, even though he has a good time once he gets there.) I cook dinner and Grandpa actually likes it, instead of just politely eating it and declaring it "interesting". Yay!

Wednesday: I ditch K and take X to town for a trip to the antique store with JW's aunt. (My first time driving by myself up at the in-laws'!) We all get soaked in a sudden thunderstorm. JW returns at night, after the kids are in bed.

Thursday: Drive to Dida and Dadu's house (my parents), stopping to visit JW's grandmother on the way. When we get there, we find a family of rabbits in the backyard (once we saw a fox!). K rides his scooter around, helps water the flowers and fill the bird feeder, and tracks ants.

Friday: JW and I get to have a date night! We do our usual: dinner, bookstore, bar (coffee place was closed). I observe many perfectly gym-toned women who have nevertheless squeezed themselves into short dresses a size too small for them, along with five-inch heels, and men who use "fuckin'" several times in each sentence. It's Long Island all over.

Saturday: Into the city for my niece's third birthday party! In preparation, my mother obtains about forty pounds of fruit from Costco and spends the party pushing fruit salad to everyone who walks in.

Sunday: Four destinations before we finally leave for home: two friend and new-baby visits in Brooklyn (one with my HLS buddy PBB, and one with an old friend whose baby is one week younger than X but has about three inches and three pounds on him); a trip to the Central Park Zoo with my brother's family and a high school friend (who just set his wedding date for next spring!), where K is terrified by the 3D Dora and Diego video; and one more visit with Nonna in the Bronx. K is a trouper through all of this, and X doesn't do too badly either.

The kids got some quality time with both sets of grandparents and other family members. And I'm glad we got in multiple visits to both great-grandmothers, who are having some health problems. JW's paternal grandmother had unwittingly been taking a double dose of her medication, resulting in nausea and disorientation. She was feeling better by the time we left, but everyone was concerned about her mental state and what dose she should be taking, if any. JW's maternal grandmother is recovering from a major heart attack. When we rushed to see her a few weeks ago, we all thought we'd be attending her funeral. The doctors said it was a miracle that she survived after her heart stopped for twelve minutes. But each time we see her, she seems markedly improved both mentally and physically, and now there's even talk of her going home this weekend.

And now it's the middle of the afternoon on Monday and I've been grocery shopping and playing with X and catching up on my blogs. Less than two months of maternity leave left. For now, life is good.

Read More

Four months' perspective on work

The first few months after X was born, I was so relieved and happy to be home. I was filled with anxiety over my eventual return to work. All the late nights, the billable hours, the stress. I have no idea how I'm going to make it work with two little kids at home, especially as I get more senior and the expectations ramp up.

Two things have recently made me realize my perspective on work has changed after being out for a while. First, we learned that we didn't have daycare lined up until mid-October. I asked the daycare to let us know if a spot opened up earlier and added, "Even if it's sooner than we wanted, let us know -- I'll just go back to work earlier." I feel more ready to go back now. I'm comfortable leaving X with someone else at this age, and I feel like I should be contributing to the household budget again.

Second, I pulled out my lawyering skills at a meeting of the foundation I joined recently. The day before, I spent a few hours going through all the documents I had, putting together a brief memo of my thoughts, and emailing it out to the committee. At the meeting, everyone had a copy of my email in front of them and referred to it throughout to frame the discussion. Even though I was new to the group and to the issue, I felt prepared and was able to contribute to the discussion, make some points I thought were important, and clarify our action items. I wouldn't have been able to do this a few years ago. I feel I've developed into a good lawyer. I can pick up a new issue, study it, analyze it, and make a reasoned recommendation. Posts like leo's and But I do have a law degree's summarize some of the things I hate about biglaw and confirm that it's unlikely to be a long-term career choice for me. But I've gotten excellent training, done interesting work, and worked with really smart and good people over the last few years. I've never dreaded going to work in the morning. I genuinely like my job, and if it weren't for the billable hours I might never want to leave.

I'm still loving maternity leave, and I still think going back will be difficult, but I'm getting closer to being ready each day. I hope I can return to work without losing this perspective -- that I can enjoy the good parts, do my best, and let the stress and anxiety go a little.

Read More

Routine

After a horrible night during which X woke up every two hours, and needed so much calming that I'd end up spending about an hour in his room each time, I decided it was time to have a set routine for X. He is four months old now and according to my baby bible of choice, The Baby Whisperer, he should be eating every four hours and taking two 1.5-2 hour naps each day. Instead of eating every two hours and being up for an hour and down for 45 minutes throughout the day, and then waking up at all hours during the night.

I haven't entirely succeeded yet, but I have gotten him to consistently (except at the end of the day, when he gets really hungry) wait about 3.5 to 4 hours between feedings and consolidate some of those short naps. And I've been writing down when he eats, sleeps, and poops, which has made things easier, despite JW's efforts to thwart me.

We're now approaching a week that involves three 4-hour car trips and probably three different sleeping locations, none of which are home. We shall see how the routine fares.

Read More