Alumni advice

Lately I've been getting involved in the newly revived Harvard Law School women's alumni group. It's a fantastic group of women, both personally and professionally, and the ones who show up at events generally want to connect and network and mentor each other. I've left every event with contact information for at least two women to follow up with, and have met up with many of them. Here are a few pieces of the advice they gave me:

1. Lawyers at big firms are the best to network with because they know about interesting companies and new developments.

2. When evaluating a job, look at the people who have left and find out what they did next.
3. It's more important to be around as your kids get older, especially high school age. Try to be the one who drives them around, since this is when they're likely to talk to you.

4. Try to meet clients in person whenever possible.

5. Large organizations are generally less rational than you would think, and often pretty crazy the closer you get to the top.

Most of the events have been small informal gatherings, but there was one big one at the law school where the Dean spoke. A few of the women who showed up were from the very first HLS classes that admitted women in the 1960s. I loved the book Pinstripes and Pearls, about the first generation of women at HLS, and was surprised that the perspective of the women at the event was different. The book discussed the indignities visited on those women -- including a dean who invited them to his house and asked them why they were taking places away from men, and a professor who held "Ladies' Day," when he would deviate from his practice of never calling on the women by hauling them all up on stage and grilling them on a case (usually related to some "feminine" subject, like the return of an engagement ring). But one woman from the class of (I think) '66 argued that while those accounts were true, the male leadership at the law school also took the women under their wing. The same dean would also invite the women to meet judges and other legal luminaries, and the intrusive questions seemed to her like genuine curiosity.

Meanwhile, the women who graduated in the 1970s, 80s, and early 90s truly hated the place. One after another said they thought they would never set foot in HLS again. I think that while the first few classes of women felt both singled out and protected in a way, since they were such a small group, the subsequent classes got all the indignities and none of the perks.

I'm lucky to have been there during the Elena Kagan era. After hearing the stories, I understood how much she transformed the student experience during her time as Dean. Before I started at HLS, I was apprehensive about having a baby during law school, given the school's reputation for unfriendliness and unhappy students. But the Dean of Students' office congratulated me and gave me a pair of Harvard booties. (And I give money to the school every year, while the women before me are bitter and want nothing to do with the place.)

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The Bridge

Edwin Friedman was a rabbi and family therapist. Here is a story from his book Friedman's Fables: The Bridge.

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Sticks and stones

One of my favorite XKCDs ever.

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In-house

I thought I had already written about this, but I can't find it now.

In the past year or so, I've had a number of interviews for in-house jobs. I thought in-house would be a good move for me because I like being involved on the business side. I like understanding what my clients need and why it's important, and helping them with that context in mind. I'm interested in what my clients are doing and want to know what's going on, what's coming down the pike, and what happens after the deal is signed. I also thought being in-house would allow me to focus more on technology (because I only applied to software companies), to have more control over my schedule, and to work on a variety of matters that I might not now including litigation.

The good news is that I've had no trouble getting the interviews. The bad news is that, with the exception of one company that I was excited about (I ended up being the not-chosen one of two finalists), I haven't wanted the jobs. The hours don't seem to be appreciably less than my part-time law firm hours. They keep telling me that the hours are more predictable, which makes it better. But I'm tired of feeling like I constantly need to check in, and at every one of these jobs that's a given. And these jobs tend to be primarily sales support, which I pretend to be interested in because it seems like an inevitable part of going in-house, but in reality I have to admit to myself I don't really enjoy. I have a client that I do a lot of sales support for, and sometimes I dread getting those calls from salespeople. Salespeople and attorneys are like oil and water. They're nice people, but everything is so squishy that it drives me crazy. Everything is always urgent. And it's the same small handful of contracts over and over. It was fun at first, but after a couple of years it's gotten kind of boring.

Besides, I really like my job other than the schedule. Making a move that is potentially only slightly better doesn't seem worth it. So I keep turning down second and third rounds of interviews for the in-house jobs. I just got a call from this company that I really liked and considered. The people and the culture seemed great. But again, it was mostly sales support and long hours. They wanted to know why I had turned them down. The HR person kept asking, "Did we do something wrong?" I felt like it was a break-up call. I actually said to her, "It's not you, it's me."

I thought that going in-house would be a way to maintain professional satisfaction while trading off some salary for better hours. But it seems like it's less satisfying, significantly less salary, and only slightly better hours.

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Bedtime songs

X gets three songs before bed: Wheels on the Bus, Rainbow Connection (a.k.a. "Weebo Action"), and Our Love Is Here to Stay. He's usually cooperative, but still very energetic during the bedtime songs. Today he did the following while I was singing to him:

1. Started breathing deeply and raising his arms over his head, then back down. I paused and said, "Are you doing yoga?" He agreed and then started cracking up and yelling, "YO-GA! YO-GA!"

2. Turned all the songs into a call and response. "Why are there so many --" (WHY, WHY) "-- songs about rainbows --" (SONGS) "and what's on the other side?" (WHAT INSIDE)

3. Repeatedly asked to see my bra.

4. Started saying over and over what I thought was "yucky nose" until he suddenly leaned forward and gave me a big lick on the nose.

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Mother's Day 2013

My Mother's Day was nice and low-key, with just the right amounts of family togetherness and me-time. My brother and his family were visiting, which gave me an excuse to cook an elaborate breakfast. You know I love elaborate breakfasts. JW got up to help cook. X and I made a cake together and it turned out to be enormous so I brought half to the neighbors.

I got presents: a painted vase from X, a box of super-fancy chocolates from JW (look how pretty! Originally I said I didn't need a present, but I was enticed by these at a school fair the day before and justified buying them by handing the box to JW with instructions to give it to me for Mother's Day), and a book that K made at school.

Here's the text of K's book:

My mom is special because... she loves me.

I love it when my mom... buys me things I like. (With an illustration showing K at a toy store and saying, "Can I get it?" and me replying, "Yes!")

It bugs my mom when... I am impatient. (Check out the angry face I'm making in the picture.)

My mom likes to relax by... taking a nap.

I wish I could buy my mom... a treasure chest.

MOM: Loveable, great, porch, nice. ("Porch?" "Because you like the porch.")

About the author: I like Megaman and of course I love my mom! I am a boy and I have a baby brother.

After breakfast, we took the kids to the annual Make Way for Ducklings parade in Boston. It was a little disappointing this year. Instead of following the route around the city streets that the ducklings take in the book, we just walked around the park. But afterwards, the weather cleared up and the kids had fun chasing each other around. X's duck costume was filthy by the end. K enjoyed wearing his police officer costume and blowing the whistle.

When we got home, I got to relax by... taking a nap. I've been so tired for a while now and have been needing a nap to get through the day. I actually thought I might have mono. I can't remember the last time I woke up in the morning without a raw throat. But I've been feeling a little better each day so I haven't gone to the doctor.

I woke up when X did, and spent some time hanging out with the kids while JW did yardwork. Then I finally got to go to the store, by myself, to return a bunch of clothes that had been sitting by the door for weeks. I picked up pizza for dinner, also by myself. Running errands with no kids, such a luxury!

After some quality family bathroom time (how do I always end up in there with both kids at once?), K and I read a few more chapters of The Case of the Nervous Newsboy (from the McGurk detective series, a gift from my brother and one of my favorites as a kid) and went to bed.

I also had quick phone calls with my own mom and with my stressed-sounding mother-in-law, who spent Mother's Day looking after her mother who recently moved into an assisted living facility. 

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The Road Not Taken

Today I learned that Robert Frost's famous poem "The Road Not Taken" is not really a wistful look down an untrodden path or a pat on the back for taking the road less traveled. Frost actually presents the two roads as more or less the same, and the choice as more or less random. In fact, in the second stanza he admits that the road "less traveled by," once he passes, will actually be "worn... really about the same" as the first path.The final stanza, with its dramatic sigh, pokes fun at people who, looking back, proclaim that their choices were deliberate, ideal, brave, and the Correct Path -- or the opposite, at people who spend their lives lamenting not taking a different path, when they have no idea where they would have ended up.

My favorite Frost story from the literary criticism linked to above is that, when pressed on the "that has made all the difference" line, Frost said, "Of course, it hasn't. It's just a poem, you know."

There's also a great quote on the subject of choice from William James:
"We stand on a mountain pass in the midst of whirling snow and blinding mist, through which we get glimpses now and then of paths which may be deceptive. If we take the wrong road we shall be dashed to pieces. We do not certainly know whether there is any right one. What must we do? 'Be strong and of a good courage.' Act for the best, hope for the best, and take what comes. . . . If death ends all, we cannot meet death better."

Robert Frost, "The Road Not Taken"

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim
Because it was grassy and wanted wear,
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I marked the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I --
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

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MILP roundup #302

It's over at Attorney At Large.. 

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Kitchen

Why being a grown-up sucks, Lesson #47. Here's what happens when you buy a house.

We got a good deal on our house. The total amount of our mortgage frightens me, but it's a reasonable monthly payment to live in a nice neighborhood in a house that mostly works well for us. Except the kitchen.

The kitchen is difficult, to say the least. The sink is in a separate room. The plumbing is old. There's no room for a dishwasher and we don't think the plumbing could handle it anyway. Since the sink is so far away from the stove, every day we carry a pot of boiling water twelve feet while praying we won't trip over an errant toy or, the big fear, an errant toddler. There's a large chimney sticking out into the middle of the room, leaving only one possible location for the fridge, so that when the fridge is open it blocks the doorway. There is exactly one cabinet and no prep space. There's a huge radiator taking up a wall. There's a staircase in the corner and we had to block it with a portable kitchen island because X was climbing up the stairs and on to the stove. I could go on, but you get the picture.

We've been living in the house for two years now. We've made it work. It's not like we literally can't use the kitchen. We just don't like it and it's not the safest for the kids.

We're considering a renovation this summer. Unfortunately, it looks like it's going to be massively expensive and there's no way around that, since so much of the expense is due to plumbing and structural issues. JW is all for it and has been pushing for this for a while because it'll be safer and more functional, will increase the value of (and our enjoyment of) the house, and makes sense to do now while interest rates are so low. I was on board when I thought we could pay for it out of our savings, but I hate the idea of going into debt for home renovations. I hate debt in general. Also spending lots of money. I like the money sitting safely in our bank account and reassuring me that if the roof collapses or one of us needs emergency surgery, we don't have to worry about paying for it.

In other kitchen-related news, X made his own play kitchen. This kid loves to cook. He has also developed a passion for the salad spinner, which has been showing up in unexpected places in the house over the past few days.

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Tortillas and misery

I have four things to report today, which is a lot considering I only left the house to walk K to school.

1. I think I have the flu. That's the "misery" part.

2. I made CP's flour tortillas for dinner. They were easy and convenient to make, but to be honest, I didn't think they were that much better than storebought. But K not only loved them, he actually put beans AND vegetables AND cheese AND salsa on one and rolled it up and ate it like a normal person! This is a breakthrough for a kid that keeps everything separate and refuses to eat anything that has a texture. So I'll definitely make them again. I wonder what they would be like using broth instead of water.

3. I asked JW what he would think if I applied for a state government job at about a third of my law firm salary. He said I should go for it. I was surprised at his enthusiasm, considering the giant paycut. He replied, "Why not? Your job is terrible." "My job is terrible? I thought my job was great, except for that one thing." "They never give you a moment's peace!" "That's the one thing."

4. On the same topic, here are some wise words from Kareem Abdul-Jabbar:

"The better you are at your job, the more you’re rewarded, financially and spiritually, by doing it. You know how to solve problems for which you receive praise and money. Home life is more chaotic. Solving problems is less prescriptive and no one’s applauding or throwing money if you do it right. That’s why so many young professionals spend more time at work with the excuse, “I’m sacrificing for my family.” Bullshit. Learn to embrace the chaos of family life and enjoy the small victories."

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Nutmeg muffins and yogurt panna cotta

Lately we've been having friends over for brunch.

Last time we had:
- Roasted asparagus, potatoes, and mushrooms
- Biscuits- Maple oatmeal scones (from the Flour cookbook)

This time we had:
- Yogurt panna cotta
- Nutmeg muffins (from Marion Cunningham's Breakfast Book)
- Home fries
- Swiss chard phyllo tart (from the Silver Palate cookbook)

And all our brunches lately have featured:
- Cut fresh fruit
- Salad (If they ask what to bring, I always say salad because I hate making them and I think they're a great addition to brunch -- they're a good counterpoint to the starchy stuff, and even if somebody doesn't like most of the food, anything + salad can be a meal)
- Lots of bacon

My basic formula, besides the fruit, salad, and bacon, is: something savory and starchy; something sweet; and something with vegetables. This time I was curious about the yogurt panna cotta recipe I saw on Smitten Kitchen, so I threw that in. It was easy, but it tasted exactly like the sum of its parts -- a somewhat thicker, sweeter, creamier version of plain Greek yogurt. If I had bought vanilla yogurt from the store and drained it, it would have been similar. The nutmeg muffins, though! JW complained about how expensive the whole nutmegs were and scoffed when I sat there grating and grating them. But they tasted just like what cake donuts should taste like. I've read several blog posts about these and they lived up to the hype.

We'll have to figure out who else we can invite for brunch...

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