Ultrasound #2

 [I wrote this part on Thursday. Friday update below.]

I'm going in for a followup ultrasound tomorrow.

At the end of last week's ultrasound, a doctor came in and said there was a white spot on the baby's heart that they were concerned about. She kept smiling and reassuring us that it could go away, and the baby was probably fine. She didn't say what she thought could be wrong and I didn't ask.

K had the same thing and he turned out fine. Of course, last time they didn't make us come in for another ultrasound. They told us that it could be an indicator of Down syndrome. When we got home, I started to cry. It just hadn't occurred to me that I could have anything other than a perfect, healthy baby. Then I pulled myself together. JW and I sat silently next to each other on the couch, each furiously typing away on our laptops. Then we both turned to each other at the same time and said, "We're going to be okay." He had been researching what that white spot could mean and had concluded that it was probably nothing. I had been reading about how to care for children with Down syndrome.

This time around, I am very aware that there are lots of possible outcomes besides a healthy baby. But I feel like there's no point in worrying about it until it happens. I was so anxious during my pregnancy with K: first trimester I worried about miscarrying, second trimester I worried about whether the baby was healthy, third trimester I worried about labor and delivery. After he was born, I felt like I never knew what he needed, and I certainly never learned to distinguish his cries and tell whether he was hungry or sleepy, like they say you're supposed to. But this time around I'm trying to sit back and deal with whatever happens.

Friday update:

It was a marathon appointment -- total waiting time about an hour and a half, total poking and prodding time another hour and a half or so. At the end I was exhausted and even a little sore. The good news is, the baby seems fine. The radiologist said he didn't see any physical problems or any other markers of Down syndrome. He said we'd see what my screening results were like and then we could decide whether to do amniocentesis. I told him I didn't want that and he assured me that it was completely up to me.

After the appointment, I was relieved, but wished I had been a less passive patient. At the end of my first ultrasound, the doctor (not my OB) had been trying so hard to reassure us, and I felt so worn down after going through the whole appointment, that I didn't question why we had to come back in, what was going to be different about the next ultrasound, or exactly what she was worried about. I knew that the spot on the heart could indicate Down syndrome and just assumed that it must be more serious than last time because no one had mentioned coming back in when I was pregnant with K. If I had realized that they didn't see or anticipate any physical problems and that my blood screen, the results of which will be in next week, would give me an idea of our risk, I would have turned down the additional ultrasound.

I told my OB with both pregnancies that we wouldn't consider termination unless there was some  life-threatening medical problem. There's no other in utero intervention for Down syndrome, so if they didn't see any of the potentially serious physical problems associated with the disease (like heart defects), what was the point of the second ultrasound? And we're on a high-deductible insurance plan, so I can only imagine what the bill will be like.

I'm not going the hypnobirthing route this time around, but I still feel the same way about unnecessary medical intervention. Anyway, at least the baby seems fine.