Four months' perspective on work

The first few months after X was born, I was so relieved and happy to be home. I was filled with anxiety over my eventual return to work. All the late nights, the billable hours, the stress. I have no idea how I'm going to make it work with two little kids at home, especially as I get more senior and the expectations ramp up.

Two things have recently made me realize my perspective on work has changed after being out for a while. First, we learned that we didn't have daycare lined up until mid-October. I asked the daycare to let us know if a spot opened up earlier and added, "Even if it's sooner than we wanted, let us know -- I'll just go back to work earlier." I feel more ready to go back now. I'm comfortable leaving X with someone else at this age, and I feel like I should be contributing to the household budget again.

Second, I pulled out my lawyering skills at a meeting of the foundation I joined recently. The day before, I spent a few hours going through all the documents I had, putting together a brief memo of my thoughts, and emailing it out to the committee. At the meeting, everyone had a copy of my email in front of them and referred to it throughout to frame the discussion. Even though I was new to the group and to the issue, I felt prepared and was able to contribute to the discussion, make some points I thought were important, and clarify our action items. I wouldn't have been able to do this a few years ago. I feel I've developed into a good lawyer. I can pick up a new issue, study it, analyze it, and make a reasoned recommendation. Posts like leo's and But I do have a law degree's summarize some of the things I hate about biglaw and confirm that it's unlikely to be a long-term career choice for me. But I've gotten excellent training, done interesting work, and worked with really smart and good people over the last few years. I've never dreaded going to work in the morning. I genuinely like my job, and if it weren't for the billable hours I might never want to leave.

I'm still loving maternity leave, and I still think going back will be difficult, but I'm getting closer to being ready each day. I hope I can return to work without losing this perspective -- that I can enjoy the good parts, do my best, and let the stress and anxiety go a little.