It's over at Today Advocating Tomorrow this week.
Sunday, 30 September 2012
Saturday, 29 September 2012
Writing this series, and reading all of your comments, has been illuminating. It's been like therapy for me. At first I thought of it as "here are my thoughts about this issue that affects all of us," and it was disconcerting that many of you responded with, "I'm so sorry," and "You poor thing." Like, hold on, we are talking about IDEAS here. Nobody mentioned FEELINGS. I didn't mean for this to be a cry for help. OK, maybe this situation is not what I want it to be, and I wouldn't say I'm happy about it, but... unhappy? Let's not be hasty and say things we'll regret later.
Reading my previous posts in this series again, I'm struck by how repetitive they are. These thoughts just swirl around and around my head endlessly. That is not healthy.
All of which forces me to acknowledge that yes, this is a problem, and I need to deal with it because I have just about reached the end of my rope.
I decided that I will try part-time, AND I will have to really assert myself and set boundaries. It's hard to say no, but at this point, if it doesn't work my next step is out the door. So my priority needs to be making this job sustainable, not bolstering my reputation.
I talked about this with JW, who was offended that I had said he wasn't on board with the idea. To be fair, the first two times I brought this up, his reaction was "Don't do anything rash," because he was concerned about his own job stability. But this time he said the magic words: "I want you to be happy and healthy, and that's more important than money." And then he said -- because it was 11:30 p.m. and, like every night that week, I needed to stay up later to finish my work -- "But is it going to help you with this?"
It won't. In fact, Friday I talked to someone at the firm about going part-time, and figured out the next steps and made a concrete plan. And what am I doing now, Saturday night at midnight? One guess. (OK, given that I'm actually taking a break and blogging right at this moment, I'll accept either "work" or "procrastinating.") The person I talked to warned me that I would be blazing my own trail here, and that it would be an ongoing process to figure out how to reconcile a part-time schedule with the demands of my practice.
We'll see.
Reading my previous posts in this series again, I'm struck by how repetitive they are. These thoughts just swirl around and around my head endlessly. That is not healthy.
All of which forces me to acknowledge that yes, this is a problem, and I need to deal with it because I have just about reached the end of my rope.
I decided that I will try part-time, AND I will have to really assert myself and set boundaries. It's hard to say no, but at this point, if it doesn't work my next step is out the door. So my priority needs to be making this job sustainable, not bolstering my reputation.
I talked about this with JW, who was offended that I had said he wasn't on board with the idea. To be fair, the first two times I brought this up, his reaction was "Don't do anything rash," because he was concerned about his own job stability. But this time he said the magic words: "I want you to be happy and healthy, and that's more important than money." And then he said -- because it was 11:30 p.m. and, like every night that week, I needed to stay up later to finish my work -- "But is it going to help you with this?"
It won't. In fact, Friday I talked to someone at the firm about going part-time, and figured out the next steps and made a concrete plan. And what am I doing now, Saturday night at midnight? One guess. (OK, given that I'm actually taking a break and blogging right at this moment, I'll accept either "work" or "procrastinating.") The person I talked to warned me that I would be blazing my own trail here, and that it would be an ongoing process to figure out how to reconcile a part-time schedule with the demands of my practice.
We'll see.
Thursday, 27 September 2012
Yesterday three different partners told me (when assigning me work or checking in on an assignment) that they don't want me to get overloaded or feel overwhelmed, and they "know I'm busy" so they are asking before they give me work. One even said that if I feel overwhelmed, I should feel free to be honest and say no to additional work.
Which brought me back to yesterday's "maybe it's just me" post. And made me wonder if they had been reading this. More likely (I hope), their concern is related to the recent rash of female associate departures.
I believe these partners are sincere. I believe the firm WANTS to be nice and to be family-friendly and to retain women. But I also have a billable requirement to meet and I can't meet it if I turn down work because I feel overwhelmed. And even if I have all the time in the world and take on a new assignment, that assignment might blow up and consume my life. It's not really about not wanting to take on more work. It's the nature of deal-driven corporate work. I could reduce my total hours but there is no getting around the periods of late nights and craziness. If my kids were older, I think I could handle that. Right now, I don't think I can.
It messes with my head when the firm is all, "We're family friendly, we care about you, and also, we need you to do this ASAP." As many of you have noted, I'm always second-guessing myself about this because I think that if this is what I want, and the firm supports it, I can make it work... I just haven't figured out yet exactly how. During a deal, I think, "I can't do this, I'm exhausted, I want to see my family," and then when it's over, "This is manageable, I just have to ride out the bad times to get to the more stable periods in between." But as I get more senior, I'm on more and bigger deals, and there are fewer stable in-between times to hang on to.
Reading all of your comments has been immensely helpful. I feel like I live in this bubble where all of this seems normal, and once in a while I get a peek outside but then I'm sucked back in again. When I hear all of you saying that it's NOT just me, and that you've had similar experiences, it makes me feel a lot more sane about all these issues.
To be continued.
Which brought me back to yesterday's "maybe it's just me" post. And made me wonder if they had been reading this. More likely (I hope), their concern is related to the recent rash of female associate departures.
I believe these partners are sincere. I believe the firm WANTS to be nice and to be family-friendly and to retain women. But I also have a billable requirement to meet and I can't meet it if I turn down work because I feel overwhelmed. And even if I have all the time in the world and take on a new assignment, that assignment might blow up and consume my life. It's not really about not wanting to take on more work. It's the nature of deal-driven corporate work. I could reduce my total hours but there is no getting around the periods of late nights and craziness. If my kids were older, I think I could handle that. Right now, I don't think I can.
It messes with my head when the firm is all, "We're family friendly, we care about you, and also, we need you to do this ASAP." As many of you have noted, I'm always second-guessing myself about this because I think that if this is what I want, and the firm supports it, I can make it work... I just haven't figured out yet exactly how. During a deal, I think, "I can't do this, I'm exhausted, I want to see my family," and then when it's over, "This is manageable, I just have to ride out the bad times to get to the more stable periods in between." But as I get more senior, I'm on more and bigger deals, and there are fewer stable in-between times to hang on to.
Reading all of your comments has been immensely helpful. I feel like I live in this bubble where all of this seems normal, and once in a while I get a peek outside but then I'm sucked back in again. When I hear all of you saying that it's NOT just me, and that you've had similar experiences, it makes me feel a lot more sane about all these issues.
To be continued.
Wednesday, 26 September 2012
An anonymous commenter wrote:
Unhappy? I wouldn't say I'm unhappy. I like my work, I love my family, we live in a friendly neighborhood, we have financial security, everything is pretty great except for this one problem. But it wasn't until I recently went back and looked through my blog archives that I realized how long I've been feeling this way.
Do I have "status quo bias"? Let's see. According to Wikipedia, status quo bias is "an irrational preference for the current state of affairs." It includes elements of "loss aversion, existence bias [if it exists, it must be good], endowment effect [you value something more if you already have it], longevity [maybe the longer a situation goes on, the harder it is to change?], mere exposure [frequent exposure = good], and regret avoidance."
Yeah, I have that. I need to be convinced that I'm unhappy before I can believe that another situation is likely to be better.
How have I made other big decisions in life? I think about them very carefully, over a long time, and then I make a plan and act on it.
Is the pay cut [if I go part time] a big deal? Not to me... if part time is real.
As I see it, there are three alternatives:
1) Try to rearrange my work schedule to fit in my other priorities.
Maybe If I worked really hard at managing my time, accepting that some days or weeks are going to be terrible and then taking advantage of the other days or weeks to be out of the office and spend more time with my family, it could work out... but I don't think I have the discipline or control over my schedule to do this on a regular basis, and my kids are too young to take a long view and say, "Well, we haven't seen Mom all week, but she'll be around next week."
So, while at times I still think that I could make it work if I just tried hard enough, I'm starting to believe that this is impossible. The numbers of hours just don't add up.
2) Work part-time to have more hours for non-work priorities.
I'm willing to try this. I think it's probably the next step I will take, if I can get JW on board. But, like many commenters, I'm skeptical. I think it will be just as hard to draw boundaries as it is now, and I'll end up basically having the same schedule for less money and more hassle (because I'll be constantly explaining about my schedule and pushing back). The possibility of a true-up if I hit the full-time billable minimum is nice, but it's not the point. To me that just means the part-time scheme failed.
3) Leave and get a new job with less demanding hours expectations.
Here's where my status quo bias kicks in and I question whether a new job will be any better, unless it has significantly less responsibility. In addition to the other aspects of my current job that I like, I have a pretty easy commute and a lot of flexibility when I'm not crazy busy. Like, yesterday I had an 8 p.m. conference call, so I left at 3:30, picked up the kids, and then sat back down at my laptop at 7:45. I didn't have to clear it with anyone because I don't have a boss. I just let the people I'm working with know I wouldn't be available during that time. How can I find a job that will give me that kind of flexibility?
Of course, I imagine doing that kind of a thing a lot more often that I actually DO it, because something always seems to come up. But I do take regular advantage of the flexibility by coming in late after dropping off the kids, leaving early for pickup when JW is traveling, and running the occasional weekday errand. Which makes me go back to considering #1.
I guess there are actually two more alternatives: (0) do nothing, or (4) leave and be a SAHM. (0) is what I'm doing now and I think something needs to change. (4) we can't really afford, JW would hate it, and up until about two weeks ago, I had never in my life had the slightest desire to be a SAHM. But then I started to envy the other moms at kindergarten dropoff, who would let their younger kids run off to the playground while I left mine at daycare. And I would really love to be there when K gets out of school in the afternoon. Still, I think I'm romanticizing being with the kids more. In reality, sometimes our time together is golden and perfect and filled with love and laughter, and sometimes I long for my quiet office where I can focus on something I think is interesting without anyone whining about snacks or wiping something sticky on me.
In a way considering any alternative under than "do nothing" feels like failure. Not because I couldn't hack it, but because I feel like I SHOULD be able to make this work if I just tried hard enough.
You have indeed been unhappy for a while it seems. Are you a person who has "status quo bias"? how have you made other big decisions in life? is the pay cut such a big deal given you will have another class year bump coming up?
Unhappy? I wouldn't say I'm unhappy. I like my work, I love my family, we live in a friendly neighborhood, we have financial security, everything is pretty great except for this one problem. But it wasn't until I recently went back and looked through my blog archives that I realized how long I've been feeling this way.
Do I have "status quo bias"? Let's see. According to Wikipedia, status quo bias is "an irrational preference for the current state of affairs." It includes elements of "loss aversion, existence bias [if it exists, it must be good], endowment effect [you value something more if you already have it], longevity [maybe the longer a situation goes on, the harder it is to change?], mere exposure [frequent exposure = good], and regret avoidance."
Yeah, I have that. I need to be convinced that I'm unhappy before I can believe that another situation is likely to be better.
How have I made other big decisions in life? I think about them very carefully, over a long time, and then I make a plan and act on it.
Is the pay cut [if I go part time] a big deal? Not to me... if part time is real.
As I see it, there are three alternatives:
1) Try to rearrange my work schedule to fit in my other priorities.
Maybe If I worked really hard at managing my time, accepting that some days or weeks are going to be terrible and then taking advantage of the other days or weeks to be out of the office and spend more time with my family, it could work out... but I don't think I have the discipline or control over my schedule to do this on a regular basis, and my kids are too young to take a long view and say, "Well, we haven't seen Mom all week, but she'll be around next week."
So, while at times I still think that I could make it work if I just tried hard enough, I'm starting to believe that this is impossible. The numbers of hours just don't add up.
2) Work part-time to have more hours for non-work priorities.
I'm willing to try this. I think it's probably the next step I will take, if I can get JW on board. But, like many commenters, I'm skeptical. I think it will be just as hard to draw boundaries as it is now, and I'll end up basically having the same schedule for less money and more hassle (because I'll be constantly explaining about my schedule and pushing back). The possibility of a true-up if I hit the full-time billable minimum is nice, but it's not the point. To me that just means the part-time scheme failed.
3) Leave and get a new job with less demanding hours expectations.
Here's where my status quo bias kicks in and I question whether a new job will be any better, unless it has significantly less responsibility. In addition to the other aspects of my current job that I like, I have a pretty easy commute and a lot of flexibility when I'm not crazy busy. Like, yesterday I had an 8 p.m. conference call, so I left at 3:30, picked up the kids, and then sat back down at my laptop at 7:45. I didn't have to clear it with anyone because I don't have a boss. I just let the people I'm working with know I wouldn't be available during that time. How can I find a job that will give me that kind of flexibility?
Of course, I imagine doing that kind of a thing a lot more often that I actually DO it, because something always seems to come up. But I do take regular advantage of the flexibility by coming in late after dropping off the kids, leaving early for pickup when JW is traveling, and running the occasional weekday errand. Which makes me go back to considering #1.
I guess there are actually two more alternatives: (0) do nothing, or (4) leave and be a SAHM. (0) is what I'm doing now and I think something needs to change. (4) we can't really afford, JW would hate it, and up until about two weeks ago, I had never in my life had the slightest desire to be a SAHM. But then I started to envy the other moms at kindergarten dropoff, who would let their younger kids run off to the playground while I left mine at daycare. And I would really love to be there when K gets out of school in the afternoon. Still, I think I'm romanticizing being with the kids more. In reality, sometimes our time together is golden and perfect and filled with love and laughter, and sometimes I long for my quiet office where I can focus on something I think is interesting without anyone whining about snacks or wiping something sticky on me.
In a way considering any alternative under than "do nothing" feels like failure. Not because I couldn't hack it, but because I feel like I SHOULD be able to make this work if I just tried hard enough.
Tuesday, 25 September 2012
Partner stopped by my office to ask about last night's conference call. I tell him it ended around midnight.
He asks about next steps and I tell him we have another conference call scheduled for tonight, and another one for the next day, and that it's a ridiculous timeline but we are pushing toward getting everything done on Friday.
He says, "But you shouldn't be here until midnight every night."
I reply, "I don't want to be here until midnight every night, and I don't think this deadline is reasonable. But I'm not sure what to do about it, since this is a global negotiation and I don't really have any say in the deadline."
He says, "Well, I appreciate it."
Which is nice. I'm not being sarcastic. It's nice that people here say thank you when they see you working hard. It's nice, and it makes me feel better, but it doesn't solve the problem.
This particular partner often checks in and always asks whether I have time before assigning me work. That helps, and I appreciate it. But our clients aren't looking out for me like that, and this job is driven by client demands. Sometimes I can and do push back, but sometimes I can't. When I have a huge multinational client that has made a decision after coordinating with their various offices, am I going to tell them, no, I have to put my kid to bed? That is just not acceptable in my job. So I keep coming to the conclusion that the only thing that will help is being in a setting where nobody expects me to work until midnight every night.
A recruiter emailed me during hour 3 of last night's call about an in-house job. I had to laugh at her perfect timing.
He asks about next steps and I tell him we have another conference call scheduled for tonight, and another one for the next day, and that it's a ridiculous timeline but we are pushing toward getting everything done on Friday.
He says, "But you shouldn't be here until midnight every night."
I reply, "I don't want to be here until midnight every night, and I don't think this deadline is reasonable. But I'm not sure what to do about it, since this is a global negotiation and I don't really have any say in the deadline."
He says, "Well, I appreciate it."
Which is nice. I'm not being sarcastic. It's nice that people here say thank you when they see you working hard. It's nice, and it makes me feel better, but it doesn't solve the problem.
This particular partner often checks in and always asks whether I have time before assigning me work. That helps, and I appreciate it. But our clients aren't looking out for me like that, and this job is driven by client demands. Sometimes I can and do push back, but sometimes I can't. When I have a huge multinational client that has made a decision after coordinating with their various offices, am I going to tell them, no, I have to put my kid to bed? That is just not acceptable in my job. So I keep coming to the conclusion that the only thing that will help is being in a setting where nobody expects me to work until midnight every night.
A recruiter emailed me during hour 3 of last night's call about an in-house job. I had to laugh at her perfect timing.
Monday, 24 September 2012
I mentioned in the last post that my thoughts on work-life balance are all over the place. Here is what is going through my head right now, unedited. I am feeling drained after a few stressful weeks, and am putting off preparing for a 6-9 p.m. international conference call tonight.
Lately I feel like I exclusively do things that I have to do. This is a typical day:
6-8 a.m.: Hang out with the kids, feed them, change them, get them ready for the day.
8-8:45 a.m.: Drop-off. First K at kindergarten, then X at daycare.
8:45-9:30 a.m.: Get dressed, eat breakfast, shower if I have time, head to work.
7-8:30 p.m.: Get home, eat dinner, put K to bed.
8:30-9 p.m.: Pack kids' bags and get stuff ready for the next day.
9-11 p.m.: More work.
And that's a day when I DON'T have a major deadline or evening meeting. Those days look like this: 9:30 a.m.-1 a.m. Work. I feel like I have very little time to take care of myself, not to mention my marriage. The kids and the job get 95% of my waking time and energy.
I miss X's 7 p.m. bedtime at least 2-3 times a week. I miss K's 8:30 bedtime at least once a week. I never wanted to be this kind of mom. There are days, like today, when I only spend about half an hour with X (not counting time pushing him in the stroller) because he wakes up late in the morning and I miss his bedtime in the evening. K seems to need extra mommy time since starting kindergarten, even though he loves it, and he got upset yesterday (Sunday) when I spent half the day at work and X tackled me as soon as I got home, when K wanted to have one-on-one time with me.
I understand now why women with kids leave large law firms in droves. Even if I work part-time, the culture here is not going to change. I will still be invited to the evening meetings, and people will still stop by my office at 6:30 expecting me to be here. Officially maybe I won't have to be here, but I feel like it will be a constant struggle of setting boundaries and yet trying to keep getting work so I can maintain my billables. It would be so much easier to just work somewhere where everyone expects that they can get in touch with colleagues between about 9-5 (ideally more like 10-4, to leave room on either end of the day).
I talked to JW about going part-time anyway. I was thinking about still working five days a week, but leaving early twice a week so I can pick up the boys and we can have dinner as a family. He was not enthusiastic about me getting a 20% pay cut. Even if he were on board, I'm not sure if I'd be ready to pull the trigger immediately. But if something has to give, it seems like this should be the first thing to try. It feels a little scary.
Anne-Marie Slaughter's infamous Atlantic article resonated with me so much in part because I felt like she was giving me permission to do what I needed to do without feeling like I was failing or would never be able to get back to where I want to be in my career. But she also asked why we have to choose between having challenging work and a reasonable amount of time for our personal lives. The structural changes she proposed haven't happened yet, so I feel like I need to make that choice.
I've interviewed for a few in-house jobs, but they seem to offer large pay cuts for hours that aren't much better. Two colleagues who recently left said their in-house jobs will be 9-5, so maybe those jobs are out there. I like the responsibility I have in my job. I don't want a "smaller" job.
Sometimes I think I'm unbelievably lucky to have this job. Aside from the hours and stress, I actually love my job. I like the substantive work. I like the people. I like the firm as a whole. I love that clients call and ask me for my advice, and they pay me to tell them what I think. That is exactly what I wanted when I decided to go to law school. I don't know if I would be able to find the flexibility I have here in other jobs. If I can get all my hours in, nobody cares if I walk in at 10 a.m. or leave for an afternoon errand. And of course, the salary is great and helps justify the hours. But I don't want to make as much of a tradeoff as I'm making now.
I've quit jobs before. I know that once you walk out that door, everything that seemed so important just goes away. All those documents you drafted, the people you worked hard to impress, the hours you put in... it just becomes a line on your resume. It's hard to keep that in mind before you make the decision to leave, though.
It's been particularly bad for the past few weeks, and sometimes when I'm at a low ebb in work-life balance satisfaction, I think that if I just stick it out past this stressful time, it'll get better. But when I look back through my blog archives, I've been saying the same thing pretty much for the past three years. Things somehow feel different now that K is in kindergarten. I really want to be there to talk to him and hear about his day. I want to see my baby for more than an hour. Heck, I want to have time to shower on a regular basis.
I don't know. The end of a stressful project, leaving early one afternoon, a day off, a vacation. They make me feel better about my job and feel like life is manageable. But I'm starting to think all these are decoys.
Lately I feel like I exclusively do things that I have to do. This is a typical day:
6-8 a.m.: Hang out with the kids, feed them, change them, get them ready for the day.
8-8:45 a.m.: Drop-off. First K at kindergarten, then X at daycare.
8:45-9:30 a.m.: Get dressed, eat breakfast, shower if I have time, head to work.
7-8:30 p.m.: Get home, eat dinner, put K to bed.
8:30-9 p.m.: Pack kids' bags and get stuff ready for the next day.
9-11 p.m.: More work.
And that's a day when I DON'T have a major deadline or evening meeting. Those days look like this: 9:30 a.m.-1 a.m. Work. I feel like I have very little time to take care of myself, not to mention my marriage. The kids and the job get 95% of my waking time and energy.
I miss X's 7 p.m. bedtime at least 2-3 times a week. I miss K's 8:30 bedtime at least once a week. I never wanted to be this kind of mom. There are days, like today, when I only spend about half an hour with X (not counting time pushing him in the stroller) because he wakes up late in the morning and I miss his bedtime in the evening. K seems to need extra mommy time since starting kindergarten, even though he loves it, and he got upset yesterday (Sunday) when I spent half the day at work and X tackled me as soon as I got home, when K wanted to have one-on-one time with me.
I understand now why women with kids leave large law firms in droves. Even if I work part-time, the culture here is not going to change. I will still be invited to the evening meetings, and people will still stop by my office at 6:30 expecting me to be here. Officially maybe I won't have to be here, but I feel like it will be a constant struggle of setting boundaries and yet trying to keep getting work so I can maintain my billables. It would be so much easier to just work somewhere where everyone expects that they can get in touch with colleagues between about 9-5 (ideally more like 10-4, to leave room on either end of the day).
I talked to JW about going part-time anyway. I was thinking about still working five days a week, but leaving early twice a week so I can pick up the boys and we can have dinner as a family. He was not enthusiastic about me getting a 20% pay cut. Even if he were on board, I'm not sure if I'd be ready to pull the trigger immediately. But if something has to give, it seems like this should be the first thing to try. It feels a little scary.
Anne-Marie Slaughter's infamous Atlantic article resonated with me so much in part because I felt like she was giving me permission to do what I needed to do without feeling like I was failing or would never be able to get back to where I want to be in my career. But she also asked why we have to choose between having challenging work and a reasonable amount of time for our personal lives. The structural changes she proposed haven't happened yet, so I feel like I need to make that choice.
I've interviewed for a few in-house jobs, but they seem to offer large pay cuts for hours that aren't much better. Two colleagues who recently left said their in-house jobs will be 9-5, so maybe those jobs are out there. I like the responsibility I have in my job. I don't want a "smaller" job.
Sometimes I think I'm unbelievably lucky to have this job. Aside from the hours and stress, I actually love my job. I like the substantive work. I like the people. I like the firm as a whole. I love that clients call and ask me for my advice, and they pay me to tell them what I think. That is exactly what I wanted when I decided to go to law school. I don't know if I would be able to find the flexibility I have here in other jobs. If I can get all my hours in, nobody cares if I walk in at 10 a.m. or leave for an afternoon errand. And of course, the salary is great and helps justify the hours. But I don't want to make as much of a tradeoff as I'm making now.
I've quit jobs before. I know that once you walk out that door, everything that seemed so important just goes away. All those documents you drafted, the people you worked hard to impress, the hours you put in... it just becomes a line on your resume. It's hard to keep that in mind before you make the decision to leave, though.
It's been particularly bad for the past few weeks, and sometimes when I'm at a low ebb in work-life balance satisfaction, I think that if I just stick it out past this stressful time, it'll get better. But when I look back through my blog archives, I've been saying the same thing pretty much for the past three years. Things somehow feel different now that K is in kindergarten. I really want to be there to talk to him and hear about his day. I want to see my baby for more than an hour. Heck, I want to have time to shower on a regular basis.
I don't know. The end of a stressful project, leaving early one afternoon, a day off, a vacation. They make me feel better about my job and feel like life is manageable. But I'm starting to think all these are decoys.
Saturday, 22 September 2012
I woke up at 4 a.m., stressed about work. This is not terribly unusual. I decided to get up and put in a few hours on my laptop before the kids woke up.
I also woke up feeling cold, and thought about how X's hands and feet felt ice-cold when he woke up the day before. I decided to cover him up with a fleece blanket on my way downstairs.
How many times do I have to learn that if it ain't broke, don't fix it?
The second I cracked open X's door, he was on his feet, ready to go. I tried putting him back down and leaving quietly, but he started to cry. So I went back and stood next to his crib and hugged him, with my eyes closed to signal that I was asleep and he should go back to sleep. I figured he would like this for a minute or two, and then either he would start insisting that I pick him up or he would lie down and go back to sleep. Instead we stayed like that for LITERALLY AN HOUR, both of us standing there pressed against our respective sides of the crib, my arms around him and his face resting against my chest. Occasionally he would look up at my face or kiss me on the chin. And once, for no apparent reason, he slapped me a few times and I could hear K stirring from the sudden noise.
On one hand, if I have to be up at 4 a.m., hugging a baby is not the worst way to spend an hour. On the other hand, if I weren't so stupid, the baby would be sleeping at 4 a.m. When I finally gave up and brought him downstairs, K (who insists on sleeping with all the lights on and the door wide open) immediately woke up and came downstairs. So he was up at 5 a.m. X at least napped during the day, while K just grew progressively more miserable. (He did not, however, have a meltdown. Hooray for growing up.)
(Meanwhile, I've been meaning forever to write about work-life balance, but my thoughts on the subject ricochet so wildly that I could write about half a dozen different posts on the same day that all contradict each other. Clearly, it is an issue.)
I also woke up feeling cold, and thought about how X's hands and feet felt ice-cold when he woke up the day before. I decided to cover him up with a fleece blanket on my way downstairs.
How many times do I have to learn that if it ain't broke, don't fix it?
The second I cracked open X's door, he was on his feet, ready to go. I tried putting him back down and leaving quietly, but he started to cry. So I went back and stood next to his crib and hugged him, with my eyes closed to signal that I was asleep and he should go back to sleep. I figured he would like this for a minute or two, and then either he would start insisting that I pick him up or he would lie down and go back to sleep. Instead we stayed like that for LITERALLY AN HOUR, both of us standing there pressed against our respective sides of the crib, my arms around him and his face resting against my chest. Occasionally he would look up at my face or kiss me on the chin. And once, for no apparent reason, he slapped me a few times and I could hear K stirring from the sudden noise.
On one hand, if I have to be up at 4 a.m., hugging a baby is not the worst way to spend an hour. On the other hand, if I weren't so stupid, the baby would be sleeping at 4 a.m. When I finally gave up and brought him downstairs, K (who insists on sleeping with all the lights on and the door wide open) immediately woke up and came downstairs. So he was up at 5 a.m. X at least napped during the day, while K just grew progressively more miserable. (He did not, however, have a meltdown. Hooray for growing up.)
(Meanwhile, I've been meaning forever to write about work-life balance, but my thoughts on the subject ricochet so wildly that I could write about half a dozen different posts on the same day that all contradict each other. Clearly, it is an issue.)
Wednesday, 19 September 2012
Thursday, 13 September 2012
[I wrote this last Friday and am just getting around to posting it... it's been a busy week.]
Today was K's first day of kindergarten!
(We have a slow transition into school. Yesterday we had a half-hour teacher conference and tour. Today he only went until 11 a.m. Monday he goes until noon. Tuesday is his first full day.)
A seasoned schoolgoer, K went confidently off, said hello to his teacher, and stood in line with his class. I was surprised to find myself tearing up. After all, I'm a seasoned dropper-off. But it felt different to be leaving him at the big school, with all the big kids, where he will go off and do his own thing and be more independent than he's ever been. The walk to school felt different too -- instead of me and my boys walking up our quiet street, laughing about something silly and stopping to look at bugs, we were caught up in a stream of kids and parents, all chatting and saying hello and running to catch up with each other.
Grandma picked him up and reported that his day was "awesome."
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The best part for me was FINALLY getting confirmation that he has a spot in the after-school program, which starts next week. Back in the spring, the people who run the program told us all we had to do was hand in the form before the end of last school year, and we'd be all set. Last week, I realized we hadn't heard anything and started calling and emailing them, with no response. Yesterday, someone at the school informed us that if we hadn't gotten a call, it meant he didn't have a spot and that they were oversubscribed this year. Panic!! Finally, after my FOURTH phone call, I got them to confirm. He is in! Phew. No emergency nanny needed.
[Update, a week later: K loves kindergarten! He comes home so excited to tell us about all the new things he did that day. A SAHM friend reported that her son was so exhausted by the end of the school day at 2:30 that he had been having meltdowns every day. I guess K has been building up his stamina in daycare all these years!]
Today was K's first day of kindergarten!
(We have a slow transition into school. Yesterday we had a half-hour teacher conference and tour. Today he only went until 11 a.m. Monday he goes until noon. Tuesday is his first full day.)
A seasoned schoolgoer, K went confidently off, said hello to his teacher, and stood in line with his class. I was surprised to find myself tearing up. After all, I'm a seasoned dropper-off. But it felt different to be leaving him at the big school, with all the big kids, where he will go off and do his own thing and be more independent than he's ever been. The walk to school felt different too -- instead of me and my boys walking up our quiet street, laughing about something silly and stopping to look at bugs, we were caught up in a stream of kids and parents, all chatting and saying hello and running to catch up with each other.
Grandma picked him up and reported that his day was "awesome."
.JPG)
The best part for me was FINALLY getting confirmation that he has a spot in the after-school program, which starts next week. Back in the spring, the people who run the program told us all we had to do was hand in the form before the end of last school year, and we'd be all set. Last week, I realized we hadn't heard anything and started calling and emailing them, with no response. Yesterday, someone at the school informed us that if we hadn't gotten a call, it meant he didn't have a spot and that they were oversubscribed this year. Panic!! Finally, after my FOURTH phone call, I got them to confirm. He is in! Phew. No emergency nanny needed.
[Update, a week later: K loves kindergarten! He comes home so excited to tell us about all the new things he did that day. A SAHM friend reported that her son was so exhausted by the end of the school day at 2:30 that he had been having meltdowns every day. I guess K has been building up his stamina in daycare all these years!]
Wednesday, 5 September 2012
X's mastery of the word "no" coincided with his illness. We heard a whole lot of "no" during the week he was sick. Frankly, I liked him better before all the "no."
X has also learned to identify his parents. I am the one he wants to carry him around all the time. I am the one who has to listen to him wail every time I leave his sight. I am the one whose plate he insists on eating off of. And what do I get for all that? I get called "Daddy." He also calls Daddy Daddy.
X started taking baths in the big tub. He loves baths. The moment you take him out, he runs away, dripping wet and laughing.
X got a time-out today for hitting K. A little later, when K was crying (because he is scared of monsters -- yes, these are two very different children, X would eat the monster), X went up to him and kept hugging and kissing him. Progress!
X has also learned to identify his parents. I am the one he wants to carry him around all the time. I am the one who has to listen to him wail every time I leave his sight. I am the one whose plate he insists on eating off of. And what do I get for all that? I get called "Daddy." He also calls Daddy Daddy.
X started taking baths in the big tub. He loves baths. The moment you take him out, he runs away, dripping wet and laughing.
X got a time-out today for hitting K. A little later, when K was crying (because he is scared of monsters -- yes, these are two very different children, X would eat the monster), X went up to him and kept hugging and kissing him. Progress!
X is recovering from hand, foot, and mouth disease, a.k.a. Coxsackie virus. Red blisters all over his body, including inside his mouth. X is a tough little guy, but he has been miserable. The first day or two, I thought it was because one of his incisors is growing in and I was surprised at how much it was affecting him. When K got his back molars we had two weeks of fevers and crying, but X grew all of his molars with maybe a slight temporary increase in crankiness. We barely noticed. It all made sense on day three when the sores started appearing.
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K is starting kindergarten this week! He had his pre-K graduation last Friday, which was the most adorable thing I've ever seen in my life. All the kids come shuffling in, wearing little caps and gowns, and stand in a line. They grin and make faces at their parents, or whisper and nudge each other, or look at the floor and wish for it to end. The teacher reads a short speech about how much she'll miss them. Then she turns on a CD and the strains of a ballad fill the air. The children open their mouths... and start shouting in unison, "THESE ARE THE MOMENTS!!! MOMENTS WE SHARE!!!" All the parents are simultaneously crying and failing to suppress our laughter as our kids sincerely belt out their graduation song. Then each kid in turn gets a diploma and shakes hands with the teacher while the parents have a photo op. Finally, the kids proudly go to their parents and the party starts. With ice cream cake!
And JW and I recently celebrated our tenth anniversary with a night out on the town. We had a lovely dinner and K made us a card with a picture of a tiger.
.JPG)
K is starting kindergarten this week! He had his pre-K graduation last Friday, which was the most adorable thing I've ever seen in my life. All the kids come shuffling in, wearing little caps and gowns, and stand in a line. They grin and make faces at their parents, or whisper and nudge each other, or look at the floor and wish for it to end. The teacher reads a short speech about how much she'll miss them. Then she turns on a CD and the strains of a ballad fill the air. The children open their mouths... and start shouting in unison, "THESE ARE THE MOMENTS!!! MOMENTS WE SHARE!!!" All the parents are simultaneously crying and failing to suppress our laughter as our kids sincerely belt out their graduation song. Then each kid in turn gets a diploma and shakes hands with the teacher while the parents have a photo op. Finally, the kids proudly go to their parents and the party starts. With ice cream cake!And JW and I recently celebrated our tenth anniversary with a night out on the town. We had a lovely dinner and K made us a card with a picture of a tiger.
Monday, 3 September 2012
X at 18 months:
Says hi, bye-bye, up, shoes, cheese, cheers, ball, cup, and probably some other words.
Makes appropriate animal sounds -- you should hear his lion roar. He doesn't just say "roar," he actually snarls.
Has a defiant streak. He will purposely continue to do something if I tell him not to.
Will climb furniture and cry because he can't get back down again.
Is cautious about the stairs (which is very good because we don't have a gate) but fearless at the playground. The other day he repeatedly climbed up a ladder and slid down the steepest playground slide I've ever seen, laughing his head off the entire time.
Still attacks his brother, but typically tries to wrestle or grab his book instead of pinching and biting.
Fights me every day when I try to put him in the stroller.
Loves magic markers and will stick them in his mouth, draw all over his face, and scribble in every book he can find before I get it away from him. (We've been using the Crayola Color Wonder markers as decoys, but he needs to learn not to scribble in books.)
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Loves hopping and jumping. (And those are two more words he knows.)
Has definite preferences and will shake his head when he doesn't want something.
Does not have stable food preferences yet; eats pretty much everything, but you never know what he'll eat on a given day.
Loves chasing, peekaboo games, and books. (Unrippable board books only for this one.)
Tries to catch bugs and animals. I had to rescue him from a goose bite at the zoo, and have had to stop him more than once from attempting to grab a bee. K at this age would get excited when he saw a dog, and would start running up to it, but then at the last minute would shrink back. Not X. He will stick his pudgy little hand right in the dog's mouth.
Whenever we see an animal, no matter how far away, he will point at it. "Woof! Woof!"
Doesn't look as round and chubby as he once was... but he is 25th percentile in height and 70th in weight.
Has no problem drinking out of a regular cup, but then he dumps it out for fun. I've never understood why people suggest weaning kids off sippy cups at this age.
Loves the sensory table and kitchen play areas in K's classroom. Too bad we won't be going in the big kid room anymore.
Says hi, bye-bye, up, shoes, cheese, cheers, ball, cup, and probably some other words.
Makes appropriate animal sounds -- you should hear his lion roar. He doesn't just say "roar," he actually snarls.
Has a defiant streak. He will purposely continue to do something if I tell him not to.
Will climb furniture and cry because he can't get back down again.
Is cautious about the stairs (which is very good because we don't have a gate) but fearless at the playground. The other day he repeatedly climbed up a ladder and slid down the steepest playground slide I've ever seen, laughing his head off the entire time.
Still attacks his brother, but typically tries to wrestle or grab his book instead of pinching and biting.
Fights me every day when I try to put him in the stroller.
Loves magic markers and will stick them in his mouth, draw all over his face, and scribble in every book he can find before I get it away from him. (We've been using the Crayola Color Wonder markers as decoys, but he needs to learn not to scribble in books.)
.JPG)
Loves hopping and jumping. (And those are two more words he knows.)
Has definite preferences and will shake his head when he doesn't want something.
Does not have stable food preferences yet; eats pretty much everything, but you never know what he'll eat on a given day.
Loves chasing, peekaboo games, and books. (Unrippable board books only for this one.)
Tries to catch bugs and animals. I had to rescue him from a goose bite at the zoo, and have had to stop him more than once from attempting to grab a bee. K at this age would get excited when he saw a dog, and would start running up to it, but then at the last minute would shrink back. Not X. He will stick his pudgy little hand right in the dog's mouth.
Whenever we see an animal, no matter how far away, he will point at it. "Woof! Woof!"
Doesn't look as round and chubby as he once was... but he is 25th percentile in height and 70th in weight.
Has no problem drinking out of a regular cup, but then he dumps it out for fun. I've never understood why people suggest weaning kids off sippy cups at this age.
Loves the sensory table and kitchen play areas in K's classroom. Too bad we won't be going in the big kid room anymore.
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