Self-compassion

I talked with my therapist about feeling anxious at work, and how that leads to procrastination. I told her that when I look at a mile-long long to-do list, at least half of which has deadlines like "ASAP" or "yesterday," I panic. I feel like I should be doing everything at once, and I can't focus and end up trying to avoid that panicked feeling by distracting myself. Then, of course, I feel worse knowing that I've wasted all this time instead of tackling my list, which has grown during the time I wasted.

I also mentioned that recently, I've gotten a lot of positive feedback and it's helped me feel less anxious. Quite a few people I work with closely have take the time to tell me that they like working with me and appreciate my work. It made me feel so much calmer to realize that even though I feel like I'm constantly failing and disappointing people, the people I work with are actually happy and think what I do is fine. They recognize that not everything can be done perfectly and instantaneously, and they really don't expect that (even if they do ask for it). I try to tell myself that I do what I can do and that has to be enough for people. But it helps to hear from others that it really is enough.

My therapist pointed me to resources on self-compassion. I was introduced to this idea when I started reading about nonviolent communication, and it's one of those things that seems so simple and obvious. Just... be compassionate to yourself, the same you would be to your friend or child. Stop the negative self-talk. Recognize that you are human and imperfect just like everybody else, and that's okay. Kristen Neff writes about this, and in the linked article she talks about the difference between self-esteem and self-compassion. If you have high self-esteem without self-compassion, you feel like you need to keep up this image of yourself, and if you mess up, you feel defensive and scared. If you have self-compassion, you can acknowledge both your strengths and weaknesses, and roll with the punches a little more. You can learn from experience without beating yourself up about it.

I think that's going to be my one New Year's resolution. Practice self-compassion.

Completely related: Check out this article from the Harvard Business Review (hat tip to JW): Stop Asking Women Why They Haven't Gotten Ahead. They interviewed a group of male business executives and a group of female business executives about why women haven't achieved parity in the workplace. The men pointed to structural issues. The women blamed themselves!