Happy holidays

I just visited my own blog hoping there would be something new. Which I guess is a sign that I should write something.

We just got back home from a week at the in-laws. I am SO HAPPY to be home. I love my in-laws, but I will never again visit them for such a long stretch in the winter. I was going stir-crazy because they live in the middle of nowhere, their house is freezing, and since we were sharing a room with K, who needs a lot of light while sleeping to scare off the monsters, I didn't get a decent night's sleep all week. Between K, the lights, and the loud heaters that sucked all the moisture out of the room, I was pretty much awake between 3 and 4:30 a.m. every single night we were there. But, I spent a lot of that time mentally going through each room of our house and deciding what house projects I want to do on my day off, and since we weren't planning to get back until Sunday, I have two and a half bonus days to do them!

I shouldn't really complain, because my in-laws are awesome and the kids love being at their house. But I just spent a whole paragraph complaining anyway, because I can.

Yesterday it snowed. A lot. X romped around while I shoveled. K went out later with JW. I thought we'd spend more time outside, making snowmen and stuff, but the in-laws have this huge basement with all JW's old toys and it's hard to tempt the kids out of there.

Christmas was lovely. We stayed home and opened presents in the morning, and some relatives came over for an early dinner. K's favorite presents were a Megaman doll (sorry, not doll, "guy"), a joke book, and a Lego Ninjago Character Encyclopedia. X's favorites were an Elmo doll, a little foam Sesame Street armchair, a Plan Toys cone sorter, and five multicolored balls that we chased around for the rest of the week. By the way, the matching pajamas didn't work out -- most of them didn't fit right and are being returned. It was worth a try.

I spent Christmas Eve doing marathon baking, which was a luxury -- usually my limit is one recipe, which I inevitably screw up because one of the kids is always dragging me off somewhere or hitting the other one (X) or eating something inappropriate (X) or bugging me to pretend I'm an evil robot (K). I made holiday sugar cookies, which K declined to help me cut out and then decorated three of before getting bored. Both boys were excited to eat them, though. In preparation for Christmas dinner I baked the Heavenly Chocolate Cake Roll from Smitten Kitchen, except the rolling part didn't work out so well and it turned into a trifle instead, layered with thawed frozed berries and whipped cream sweetened with icing sugar and a little vanilla, and topped with white chocolate shavings. Not as pretty as the roll, but it was a hit and easy to make. And I made pumpkin cinnamon rolls for the third year running, and while I wouldn't kick them out of bed, I didn't love them as much as I should have. They were a little too sweet for me, and not quite as tender as I would like. I think next time I'll go back to my usual King Arthur Flour recipe. In fact, maybe next time will be soon... I think New Year's Day deserves a special breakfast, don't you?

Oh, and did I mention I had a day off? X's daycare was supposed to be closed January 2nd for some bizarre reason, so when I put in for my vacation, I said I'd come back on the 3rd. Then they came to their senses and said they would be open the 2nd after all, but I see no need to return to work a day early, so I get what I've been longing for... a day off, all to myself, with no kids!! There are so many things I could do. Make some progress on house projects, including those curtains that I bought the fabric for over a month ago. Extra-long workout. Take myself out to lunch. Watch Pitch Perfect. Finally use that massage gift certificate I got as a pregnancy gift. Run all the errands I've been putting off for months, including taking my consignment purchases to the tailor, my watch to get its battery replaced, and my necklace graveyard to a jewelry repair place. (This is a bag full of the half dozen necklaces X has ruined by yanking them off my neck.) Sit in a cafe and get lost in a book. Better yet, spend an hour browsing in a bookstore. The one thing I am determined NOT to do is waste my precious alone time by sitting on my butt surfing the web. I am so excited for my bonus vacation day. Best Christmas present ever!

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Applesauce

Here is a video of X saying "applesauce."

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K and X snapshot

I wrote this in an email to a friend about two months ago, in response to a question about what the boys are like:

How can I describe X? He is like an adorable little hurricane. He has this toothy grin that he flashes at everyone he meets. He is incredibly resilient -- even if he gets really hurt, he'll cry for five seconds, then get right back up and give you that grin. He does what he wants to do. If you tell him not to do something, he will laugh and do it deliberately. His favorite words are "shoe" and "circle." He will sit in your lap for an hour while you read him every book within reach. If something is on a flat surface, he will push it onto the floor. When he wakes up in the morning, he immediately starts jumping up and down and singing.

X and K are opposites in many ways. K wants to sleep with the lights on and the door open, X needs it to be dark and quiet. K loves to eat mangoes, X will only gnaw on the pit. I think the best way I can explain how different they are is by saying that when something bad happens to K, he gets upset and cries. When something bad happens to X, he gets mad and yells.

K is definitely more like me. I was also an overly sensitive little kid. Xis more like how I wish[ed] I could be. I don't think either one of them is really like JW in terms of personality.

But K is really fun and silly, and is a very curious little boy. He thinks about things and asks great questions. He loves to hear and tell jokes. He can't go five minutes without a hug.

They are both awesome kids, but very different from day one.

I wrote this a month ago:

X at 20-almost-21 months:

LOVES "Hop on Pop" and can recite long sections. Loves "Brown Bear, Brown Bear, What Do You See," which he requests by saying, "At me! At me!" And in general loves books, books, books. But still cannot be trusted to keep them intact. Pats the floor next to him and says, "Sit." Still says no a lot, but occasionally grins and says, "YES." Still calls me Daddy most of the time, but calls K "GEE-YAH" and will shout for K when he hasn't seen him for a while. Does not care about the bedtime routine. He just wants to be put in his bed and he will take care of the rest. But he does need at least two pacifiers, and takes turns sucking on each one until he falls asleep.

K at 5.5:

Has grown out of his 4T clothes, but swims in his size 5 clothes. Loves kindergarten! And has been asking me some very sophisticated questions about the things he learns. Is obsessed with Lego Star Wars. Loves hugging his little brother. (K: "I hugged him so much he ran right into the couch!" Neighbor: "Are you sure you weren't wrestling him?" K: "No, we were hugging!") Just started playing with the little girls next door. Can't wait for more snow.

And here are some updates from now:

X: I already think of him as being 2. He has those screaming tantrums when he doesn't get something he wants, but he distracts himself and calms down quickly. (Yesterday when I took him to his room for a diaper change instead of reading him "Don't Let the Pigeon Stay Up Late," he started to yell, but as we walked away he quickly resigned himself to his fate and began a running stream of, "Bye-bye pidgie. Bye-bye hot dog [the pigeon wants to have a hot dog party]. Bye-bye book. Bye-bye Daddy Kee-o. Bye-bye tree. Bye-bye ammals [we have an animal poster at the base of the stairs]," all the way upstairs.) Current favorite books are still "Hop Pop" and "At Me," plus "New Hat, New Hat," "Doggodoggodoggo," and one of K's National Geographic books about migration habits of zebras, crabs, and walruses. Favorite song is "EIEIO" (all one word).  He waves his hand at me and says, "Come, come." He started calling me Mommy! But now he sometimes calls K "Daddy Kee-o" even when JW isn't around. He copies everything K does, and chases K around the house. He says, "Night night" when he wants to hang out in his crib with his pacifiers for a while.

K: Got an "Encyclopedia of Good Guys and Bad Guys" as a present from Aunt Trousers (a blank journal with some instructions and a few guys drawn in -- thanks, Aunt Trousers!) and is determined to fill it up. So excited to spend Christmas at Grandma and Grandpa's house. Thinks it's hilarious to say "butt" (and tries to trick us into saying "underwear" by saying, "Can you put that under there?") When I went to his classroom this morning to decorate a gingerbread house with him, he showed great willpower in not eating any of the candy, until the very end when I secretly encouraged him to sneak a gumdrop. Every kid needs a little rule-breaking in his life.

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Self-compassion

I talked with my therapist about feeling anxious at work, and how that leads to procrastination. I told her that when I look at a mile-long long to-do list, at least half of which has deadlines like "ASAP" or "yesterday," I panic. I feel like I should be doing everything at once, and I can't focus and end up trying to avoid that panicked feeling by distracting myself. Then, of course, I feel worse knowing that I've wasted all this time instead of tackling my list, which has grown during the time I wasted.

I also mentioned that recently, I've gotten a lot of positive feedback and it's helped me feel less anxious. Quite a few people I work with closely have take the time to tell me that they like working with me and appreciate my work. It made me feel so much calmer to realize that even though I feel like I'm constantly failing and disappointing people, the people I work with are actually happy and think what I do is fine. They recognize that not everything can be done perfectly and instantaneously, and they really don't expect that (even if they do ask for it). I try to tell myself that I do what I can do and that has to be enough for people. But it helps to hear from others that it really is enough.

My therapist pointed me to resources on self-compassion. I was introduced to this idea when I started reading about nonviolent communication, and it's one of those things that seems so simple and obvious. Just... be compassionate to yourself, the same you would be to your friend or child. Stop the negative self-talk. Recognize that you are human and imperfect just like everybody else, and that's okay. Kristen Neff writes about this, and in the linked article she talks about the difference between self-esteem and self-compassion. If you have high self-esteem without self-compassion, you feel like you need to keep up this image of yourself, and if you mess up, you feel defensive and scared. If you have self-compassion, you can acknowledge both your strengths and weaknesses, and roll with the punches a little more. You can learn from experience without beating yourself up about it.

I think that's going to be my one New Year's resolution. Practice self-compassion.

Completely related: Check out this article from the Harvard Business Review (hat tip to JW): Stop Asking Women Why They Haven't Gotten Ahead. They interviewed a group of male business executives and a group of female business executives about why women haven't achieved parity in the workplace. The men pointed to structural issues. The women blamed themselves!

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Party crashers

K got invited, along with his entire kindergarten class, to a birthday party at a local kids' gym.

When we showed up on Saturday afternoon, K was a little hesitant and asked me to come into the gym with him. After a few minutes, he got into the swing of things and started enjoying himself. Meanwhile, I started chatting with some parents sitting next to me. About an hour into the party, I said to them, "Wow, your daughters really know their way around all the gymnastics equipment! Do you take lessons here?" "Yes," they said, "that's how we know Theo. How do you know Theo?" "Uh..." I said, "We know Katie..."

You'd think K would have mentioned to me that (1) he didn't recognize any of these kids and (2) the birthday girl was not there. We hightailed it out of there before the snacks and cake. On the way out, I apologized to Theo's dad, who laughed it off.

On Sunday, K strolled confidently into the gym, ready for Katie's party. Before he walked in, I caught his arm and verified that he did, in fact, recognize the other kids and the birthday girl from his class.

I teared up several times, watching these sweet, perfect little children bounding, laughing, and tumbling around the gym, squabbling with each other, running up to their parents for hugs, listening carefully to the teachers, excitedly eating cake. I can't imagine anyone wanting to hurt them. None of the parents talked about it. I don't think K knows, and I hope he has no idea until he is much older. But JW said that on Monday he needed extra hugs and said something about a "monster" and something being "broken."

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Salary negotiations

I have negotiated my salary at previous jobs. I have advised many other women to negotiate their salaries. But I have never discussed my salary with anyone at my current job.

Like most large firms, my firm has lock-step compensation for the first few years. The amounts aren't actually published anywhere, though. So every year, around this time, we get a letter saying, "Your salary for next year will be $X." I have no idea whether $X is the same for everyone in my class. I just assume it is. And I assume the only thing you would negotiate would be a bonus, but my hours have been low each year so I don't think about that.

It was news to me when another associate in my class mentioned we were off lock-step for next year. She also mentioned something I had brought up and said, "You should use that to negotiate your salary."

Today I was talking to two other female associates about this, and we all agreed that we had no idea how to negotiate our salaries, who to talk to, when to talk to them, or if this was even something that anyone else did. "Anyway," said one of them, "my hours aren't very good, so I don't think I deserve more." And the other associate said the SAME THING.

"Wait," I said, "All three of us think our hours aren't good enough, so we shouldn't negotiate our salaries? Do you think our male colleagues would say the same thing?" One of the other associates shrugged. "Look, I choose to work less. If they want to work more, they should get paid more." Which I agree with, and it just so happens that all three of us have small children and, at some point during the year, had worked a reduced schedule. But... do the men (the vast majority of whom have stay-at-home wives), on average, bill so much more? Or do they just not care? This whole conversation seemed so incredibly gender stereotypical, and I couldn't believe that ALL of us were saying we didn't deserve higher salaries. It's hard for me to imagine a man saying he doesn't deserve more money because he doesn't think he works hard enough!

I think I need to investigate this.

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MILP Roundup #281

It's over at Attorney at Large.

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More things that happened: Weekend edition

We had a busy weekend.

We had a playdate at our house with one of K's preschool friends. The parents asked how we managed to keep our living room so uncluttered and toy-free, and we told them the answer was ten minutes of running around before they arrived + a large box.

I baked corn muffins, but I made the rookie mistake of dumping cold milk into warm butter. They turned out OK despite the giant butter lumps. I greased the pan with bacon grease. Everything tastes good with bacon grease.

We had brunch at a friend's house, followed by playground time for all 4 kids. At the playground, they had a lot of fun running "obstacle courses," like "Run to the tree, run around it three times, roll down the hill, run to the swings and swing as high as you can, then hop over the see-saw and come back." Our friends' idea. I thought that was brilliant.

The boys got haircuts.

Before

After

We went to the library and got some new Elephant and Piggie books. We also read another cute Mo Willems book, "Hooray for Amanda and her Alligator!" And I read a book called "How to Raise Successful Children" or something that talked about how we're too focused on our kids' accomplishments and need to focus more on encouraging them to be self-motivated, independent, curious, kind, and respectful of themselves and others.

We went out to dinner and the boys got balloon animals, a bear for X and a snail for K. JW and I ate the most delicious thing ever -- bacon horseradish cream. (With oyster and leek fritters to dip into it, but that was beside the point.) I found this Rachael Ray recipe for cauliflower mac and cheese with bacon horseradish sauce that in theory, every member of our family might actually eat. I think we need to try it.

I crammed work into every spare minute.

JW printed out the envelopes for all the Christmas cards. (We were a few short. We need to order more next year, or cull our list. If you're expecting one and don't get one... sorry, we'll do better next year!)

I tried to clean out the basement, but I don't know what to do with all the miscellaneous items down there. We need to have a yard sale... but that won't be for six months. I need to figure out a place to put the stuff temporarily so I can make it into a room. We're generally good about not having lots of excess stuff, but these are either things we definitely want to keep but only need on rare occasions, or things that I would rather sell than give away.

X requested "E-I-E-I-O," over and over. He always wants the animal to be a duck. Also, when you ask X what a frog says, he replies, "RABBIT, RABBIT." (So I told him a rabbit says, "FROG, FROG.")

I read in Carolyn Hax's Hootenanny of Holiday Horrors a story about a woman who keeps drawing her SIL in their annual gift exchange, but they hate each other. Last year she got her SIL an XL T-shirt with a picture of a panda punching a guy in the face. That cracks me up every single time I think about it.

I had a dream that JW started dating someone who ran a hotel gift shop. Her name was Winter. I said, "But I thought we were going to be together forever," and he replied, "This is my chance to be happy. Don't you want me to be happy?"

K drew an Electric Octopus and explained, "It looks like he has a black penis, but that's really where he shoots electricity out."

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Things that have happened

Before yesterday's report card post, I took a long break from blogging. Here are some things that happened.

We had an awesome trip to NY for my big brother's surprise 40th birthday party. My frequent-flyer sister-in-law used her many points to book us a hotel room, and my parents decided it was too late at night and they would rather stay home and watch the kids. We went out with my brother and his friends, did lots of shots, stumbled back to the hotel at 2 a.m. and slumbered peacefully in the dark until 10 a.m. before going to meet the rest of the family for brunch. The last time we did anything like that was well over a decade ago. We laughed the whole way back to the hotel about how glad we were to get away from the kids and be irresponsible for one night. I couldn't believe my brother (who has a newborn) was still out. JW thinks there's something about Manhattan that keeps you in a state of arrested development where it seems normal to live in a tiny apartment with roommates and stumble home drunk even when you're well past your 20s.

We returned to NY for Thanksgiving. For the first time ever, it was a family-only dinner with everyone at one table, including JW's parents. (We are so lucky that our parents get along well!) The family friends who couldn't make it crashed our house for dinner the next day, so the leftovers got eaten. My SIL left at 10:30 for Black Friday shopping and didn't come back until the wee hours. I offered to go with her and was so glad she didn't take me up on it.

I did my Black Friday shopping online. We bought a Christmas tree. (Fake, just like both of us grew up with.) Before, we had this miniature artificial tree that, over the years, had developed a pronounced list and could barely stand up. The weekend after Thanksgiving, we decorated the new tree and the house, with the holiday Music Choice channel playing on the TV. We had a box of ornaments from JW's grandmother, who moved out of her house this year, and we realized that many of them had been gifts from other family members over the years. So now we have a tree full of family-made or gifted ornaments.

X started putting two words together, like "Sit down" and "Pafa go" (where did my pacifier go?)

K has been drawing ever-more elaborate pictures of made-up heroes and bad guys, featuring exploding buildings and word bubbles saying, "GET HIM!" and "DESTROY!" We decided to compile them into "K's Book of Heroes and Villains" as a Christmas present for the grandparents. (X brought home artwork from school yesterday, too: a smiling eggplant with googly eyes, a potato with little brown pieces of construction paper glued to it, and several handprint turkeys.)

The boys and I spent Veteran's Day in the woods, getting eaten by bears. Thank you veterans.


I went part time at work. I'll post about that separately. It's only been a couple of weeks and I'm still figuring it out. I also started going to therapy, which I may post about separately too. So far it's been helpful.

I went on a short business trip (and got to see some friends on the way). When I came back, I found that JW had told K that if he could stay dry for ten nights in a row, he would get Megaman X, a video game K has been coveting for a long time. For a while now, JW has been bothered by the fact that K still wears a diaper at night, and I've been saying that the pediatrician says it's normal and his body just isn't ready because obviously he wouldn't wet his diaper on purpose. Well... K completed his tenth dry night in a row yesterday. It is incredible how much this kid is motivated by external rewards. JW thinks he was just being lazy and using his diaper instead of going to the bathroom in the morning. The new rule is that if he wets the bed, he loses the game and has to stay dry for another ten days until he gets it back.

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Report card

We got K's first report card today!

We had a parent-teacher conference a few weeks ago where we got more detailed feedback. His teacher said K was very bright and a joy to have in class, had very advanced reading and writing skills, and draws detailed pictures. He is at around the same level as his peers with counting and math skills. Socially, he's doing fine, but sometimes gets his feelings hurt when classmates decide to leave what they're doing with him and do a different activity.

I know K is a smart, engaged, curious kid. I was a little concerned about his social development because when we pick him up, he's usually playing alone and sometimes he says something like, "Nobody wanted to play with me at recess." I also know how sensitive he is, and he doesn't yet have quite enough empathy to realize that other kids may be sensitive or shy too, or that another kid's rejection of a certain activity isn't  a rejection of him. But I also know that in preschool, it took him a long time to warm up and eventually he had a tight group of friends. And when I'm at school with him, other kids are always calling out to him as we walk by. His teacher wasn't concerned, so I guess we'll just keep checking in with him on how he's doing with friends.

K's report card is cute. It says stuff like "He identifies numerals to 20 by name and connects each to counted objects" and "He uses late invented spelling" (which apparently is a fancy way of saying that he makes up plausible spellings that capture the relevant letter sounds). It's strange seeing this very objective assessment of him according to standards for kids his age. I guess we should get used to it.


(This was also X's first experience with Jell-O... by the end it was EVERYWHERE)

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Mothers in the Legal Profession (MILP) Roundup #280

The weekly Mothers In the Legal Profession Roundup is hosted on a rotating basis at the Butterflyfish, PT Law Mom, Attorney at Large, Attorney Work Product, Today Advocating Tomorrow, Reluctant Grownup, and Magic Cookie blogs.

In this week's edition of the Roundup, covering posts for the week of November 27-December 4...

Better Together contemplates travel and a move.
Alice in Wonderland takes her little boy to the ER.
Izzie's baby Z turns two.
Legally Certifiable gets a compliment from clients.

And, we have some sub-roundups to round up...
Lag Liv rounds up dinner ideas.
The Attorney at Large rounds up her hat collection (#1: cloche edition).
Butterflyfish rounds up unposted posts.
Full of the Dickens rounds up Jacobisms.
Today Advocating Tomorrow rounds up a series of mini-disasters.
Yee-haw!

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Election day questions

K had the day off from school on Election Day. I took him out to lunch at the diner, where we told knock knock jokes while we waited for our food. After a string of increasingly silly jokes, K said, "Knock knock." "Who's there?" "Why do you always pay more attention to X than you do to me?" Whoa. Shit just got real.

I explained that I had to keep X from destroying everything and/or himself, but I tried my best. And we agreed to have some one-on-one time over the weekend. I felt guilty because he has a point. But I can't feel too guilty with K because even when we're attached at the hip for days, it's never enough togetherness and attention for him.

[I am now going to make a really bad mom confession. In the book "Inheritance of Loss" by Kiran Desai, the mom tells her kids that every time they lie, she loves them a little less. And especially in the first couple of months after X was born, but on occasion still, the treacherous thought crosses my mind: Every time you are excessively clingy, every time you ask me to do something for you that you could easily do by yourself, every time I'm already looking right at you and you say, "MOMMY, MOMMY" I love you a little less.]

K also asked me, sort of out of the blue, "Was Reagan a bad president?" Out of the blue because we had been talking about something completely different, but only sort of because the night before we had been looking at a slideshow of U.S. presidents and I did indicate that a few of them were either good or bad. Don't worry, I didn't try to indoctrinate him and mostly went for uncontroversial ones. Lincoln good, Nixon bad. I think he picked Reagan because there's a kid in his class with that name.

I told him that people have different opinions and different things that they think are important. "Well, what do you think?" I told him I didn't like Reagan's trickle-down economics, and explained that Reagan had the idea that if you give rich people money, they will use it to start businesses and hire people and get money to the poorer people. But it didn't work, it just made the rich people richer while the poor people got poorer, and I didn't think that was right.

He thought for a moment and said, "Why don't the rich people just give the poor people some of their money? That would be more fair." My little socialist. I told JW this story and he said, "Yeah, if either of our kids grows up to be a Republican, it's going to be X."

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The day after

Happy post-Election Day, everybody! Whether you're elated or disappointed with the results, there's one thing we can all be happy about... no more political ads, mailers, and Facebook posts for a while!

Over here, we're in the elated camp. JW is a diehard Democrat and political organizer. I was out there knocking on doors for Elizabeth Warren, my former professor and current Senator-elect.

Also, while I'm sure Mitt Romney is a good person in his personal life, as a governor he spent the entire time campaigning for president. He spent more time outside of Massachusetts than in it, and while he was out stumping for himself, he both disparaged our state and completely changed the positions on which he had run for governor. We saw firsthand how his convictions blow with the wind, and I feel like nobody else in the country cared what we thought because they dismiss people from Massachusetts as crazy liberals.

Election Day is like JW's Christmas. Every year he takes the day off to work for his political campaigns of choice, and for weeks beforehand he disappears, off to meetings and strategy sessions and phone banks. Last night he showed up around 12:30, wearing his Elizabeth Warren for Senate shirt and grinning from ear to ear.

This is how our marriage works. Election time is hard on me, just as my frequent absences for work are hard on him. But when one of us wants or needs to do something, the other is on board. The only question is how we can arrange our schedules to make it work. There's no resentment or weighing of whose activity is more important. We used to do that when we first had kids, but it just made both of us feel miserable and hypocritical. Now, we're 100% a team. (Although it helps that our politics are similar. I don't know how I would feel about him disappearing to work so hard for someone who doesn't support marriage equality or women's health. But meanwhile, go team!)

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Real Simple, November 2012

I usually read Real Simple for fun and recycle it the same day. This was the last issue in my subscription and I didn't renew, since I find it's the same stuff over and over -- inspirational story, stuff to cook that I'll never cook, ways to "simplify" my life by spending tons of money on things I don't need. Still, the pictures are pretty and all the advice and stories provide at least momentary inspiration. For $1-2 a month it's a small indulgence.

This month's actually had a few things I found worthwhile:

1. A lovely article about saying grace by minister Kate Braestrup: "Saying grace invites you to just be present. . . . If you are safe from danger, sheltered from the elements, and not alone, grace gives you a chance, a crucial moment in which to know it."

2. Statistic that the average American home has $7,000 worth of brand new, unused stuff! Now THAT is inspirational. It inspires me to think twice before buying anything. (I had a similar realization a few years ago when we had a yard sale, and the $35 Pottery Barn cheese dome we had received as a wedding gift and never used didn't sell at $2.)

3. Interesting guide to digestive health that focuses on the mind-body connection.

4. URL of FSAstore.com, a website that supposedly has only FSA-eligible items and accepts the FSA debit cards. But I'm a little skeptical of that site because it implies that everything on it is FSA-eligible, yet it lists all sorts of things that I know are only eligible with a prescription. By the way, Walgreens.com also accepts FSA debit cards. We have a ton of FSA money to use up since I accidentally paid all our medical expenses out of the wrong account all year.

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Pajama present

For Christmas, I was thinking about getting matching pajamas for everybody in our extended family. I thought it would make for some hilarious pictures, and we'd all get some comfy pajamas out of it.

JW thinks this is the stupidest idea ever.

What do you think?

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Things that happened at work today

I spent about six hours on the phone.

I got stuff to clients late because I couldn't work on anything because I kept having to be on phone calls.

I got an assignment at 4 p.m., an assignment at 5 p.m., and an assignment at 6:30 p.m. where the client signed off with, "I need your input by Monday. Have a great weekend!"

When I snuck out (with a bag full of weekend work) so I could get home in time to put the kids to bed, nearly all the other associates in my hallway were still there. Turns out that while I was on all those calls, everyone else was getting recruited for an "emergency" deal that is somehow supposed to go from zero to closing in under a week! So I was the lucky one. They're stuck there all night and all weekend.

In an email, a friend asked if there was anyone at the firm whose job I would want, both in terms of content and hours, and if so what it would take for me to get there. You know what? The answer is no. When I think about it in that context, it doesn't matter whether the problem is them or me.

Relevant: have you seen this yet? I think every single one of my biglaw friends has either emailed me this or linked to it on Facebook. This one is my favorite.

Also relevant: In case you can't tell, I am obviously in need of this.

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Feelings

This week in school, K's class has been drawing pictures of their feelings.

Here's how he felt on Monday:


And here's a picture of a time he felt intimidated.

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MILP Roundup #273

The weekly Mothers In the Legal Profession Roundup is hosted on a rotating basis at the Butterflyfish, PT Law Mom, Attorney at Large, Attorney Work Product, Today Advocating Tomorrow, here, and Magic Cookie blogs.

This edition of the Roundup covers posts for the week of October 8-14.

Full of the Dickens hates the label on baby formula telling moms that breast is best.

Mommy on the Floor is taking on The Man, in this case the Boston Public School system. (This post is actually not in the week I'm recapping, but as a fellow Bostonian I'm reposting it out of personal interest. BPS has this bizarre "school choice" system that is being overhauled.)

And okay, this isn't in my week either, but go give Grace a big hug. As the title of her blog suggests, she is under pressure.

The Reluctant Grownup is figuring out her new daily schedule.

Attorney at Large is reminded that "every public appearance . . . is a chance to ruin a good reputation."

Lag Liv had a family getaway.

Kate of Today Advocating Tomorrow had an X-Files moment.

Alice in Wonderland is living with her own little Rain Man.

Butterflyfish captures her middle child at 21 months.

Izzie of Only 3 Years is preparing for work.

And 'round these parts, I tried unsuccessfully to quash my consumeristic urges.

Tune in next week for Roundup #274, in which we will all reveal our secrets for seamlessly integrating our personal lives with our career choices. We'll have figured it out by then, right?

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Low point

You guys, today was bad.

I've cried in the office before, but not for a while, and never with anyone watching. But today, after weeks of being up late working and up early working, after a morning of attempting to stay home with two sick kids while the phone rang every two minutes, after calling JW in a panic and going in to work the moment he got home, I got this email. It was totally nonsensical. It was from a client who sets ridiculous deadlines and then raises issues at the last minute and wants to go through them in excruciating detail even though they don't matter. And when a partner came in and said, "What is this," and I started explaining what had happened, he paused and said, "Are you okay? You seem upset."

If only he hadn't said, "Are you okay," I would have maintained my delicate emotional balance.

But I didn't. And then I had to explain that I wasn't freaking out because of the email, but that it was the last straw.

He gave me a lecture on pushing back. He told me to go home, which of course I couldn't do because I had three other things that I had promised would be done by the end of the day. (And I DID push back on those things... last week, when clients asked for them "ASAP.") And at least the upside was that he took over this particular project, which I REALLY needed a break from. It was almost done and I am happy to have him push it over the finish line so I never have to deal with these people again.

But yeah. I spent half the day crying in my office while trying to write contracts. This other partner walked into my office to give me a twenty minute sales pitch about working with a new client, and the whole time I was focusing on breathing deeply and staying calm. And it's almost midnight and I am, just like every night, in front of my laptop -- I just sent out some documents and I'm preparing to work on one last agreement before I can go to bed.

I'm trying to set boundaries. I really am. But nobody else seems to have any. I can't tell you the number of times in the last few weeks that someone said, "How soon can you do this," and I said, "I'm tied up for the next few days, but I'll get it to you by the end of next week," and they negotiate me down by a few days, and then I stay up half the night doing it anyway, even though I had a week, because so many things came up in between. All that stuff that's on my list? I don't start on it until 5 p.m., when the phone stops ringing so much.

In case you're wondering, I haven't gone part time yet, although I have taken some steps toward it. I'm sort of using the next few weeks as a trial period, because part time will not work unless I can effectively manage my schedule. I am so not there yet.

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Things I have thought about buying

I wrote recently about how, despite conventional wisdom, I value some of my possessions just as much as experiences. After all, aren't your possessions part of your daily experiences? The key is that the stuff that really makes me happy is stuff that I thought about, wanted, and planned for over a long time, rather than stuff that I impulse bought.

So I'm trying not to impulse buy anything. This was easy for me pre-Internet, but now I'm always looking at pictures and stories about other people's stuff, and I think, "ooh, I need that too!" As an experiment, I'm going to try posting the stuff I'm tempted to buy here, instead of actually buying it. I'm looking at it as collecting these items for later, so if I ever really need any of them, I know where to find them again. Of course, this could backfire and every time I look at my blog I could be reminded of all this cool stuff that I'd like to buy.

Here are the things I thought about buying this week:

1. Fingerless gloves to keep my hands warm in the office.
2. Zumba Fitness Wii game (and other Wii fitness games... even though let's face it, I already have three that I have not used in months. But if I had this one, I'd actually use it because I'm bored of the other ones and this one will motivate me! Maybe.)
   
3. A scarf.
4. The following books: Simplicity Parenting by Kim John Payne and Lisa M. Ross, The Extraordinary Education of Nicholas Benedict by Trenton Lee Stewart, Everyone's Reading Bastard by Nick Hornby.
   
5. Curtains for the living room. These are way too expensive for me to ever justify buying, but I love the patterns and the robin's egg color.
   

And here are the things I actually did buy: Lunch (1 day). Diapers. Groceries. Ice cream treat for K. So far this week, I've been good, despite the Trader Joe's shopping spree on Columbus Day.

P.S. A few updates:

• I'm trying NOT to buy things. Why are you all leaving me comments encouraging me to buy things?
• I left out two things I bought last week: breakfast for me and K at a neighborhood diner on his day off (worth it!), and This Is How You Lose Her by Junot Diaz. I used to be a big library person, but lately every time I want to read anything, it takes a month to get it on request, ad then I have to actually get to the library during the three-day window after they notify me. Kindle = more money but instant gratification.
• This post actually did backfire. I bought the second two of those books (the Hornby one was a $2 short story), and I found that EXACT same curtain fabric on sale at fabric.com and bought 18 yards for $80, enough for curtains for my entire living room, AND while I was on a decorating kick I bought some beautiful sheets of fine paper from Paper Source to use as decorations for that blank wall in our room with blotches where the electricians left holes. So, I don't think I will make this a weekly retrospective of things I thought about buying. But I don't regret any of these purchases either. I'm just trying to rein it in.

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Adventures in pushing back

First attempt: Try, but fail.
Partner 1 calls me: Do you have time to work on Project X?
Me: I'm swamped this week, but I can do it next week.
P1: Great, I'll tell Partner 2 you can do it.
P2: Glad you're on board. I scheduled a call with the client tomorrow. Get up to speed on the documents before then.

Second attempt: Fail.
Partner 3 calls me: Hi. I think you'll really like working with this new client. They need blah blah blah boring documents. Here is five minutes of background information. Great, so get started.
WHAT I SHOULD HAVE SAID: I won't be able to work on the documents this week. If you need them immediately, you should probably ask another associate.
WHAT I SAID: ...Okay. I won't be able to get started right away. What is the timeframe?
P3: We should get something to them soon.
Me: This will take a while, and we don't have all the information we need. What if I email the client today with a list of questions. That way they know we're on it.
P3: No, we need to send them all the documents.
Me: What if we send them a subset of documents. It will take me a while to do all of them.
P3: No, we need to send them all the documents.
WHAT I SHOULD HAVE SAID: I won't be able to complete the documents on this timeframe.
WHAT I SAID: Well, I'll take a look and see what I can do.
The next day I send him an email saying that I won't get the documents done until Friday.
Partner 3 calls me four more times over the next day and a half. BUT!

Third attempt: Silver lining.
P3: Just send me whatever you have. We need to get them something immediately.
Me: I haven't done anything. I don't have time to do this until Friday.
P3: Well, what can you get done today?
Me: Nothing. I can't do anything until Friday.
P3: I guess I will do them.
Me: Okay, thanks. I can take over on Friday.
Victory! I didn't cave or apologize. Did I piss off the partner, well, can't do much about that. Except stay up all night working. And I have done way too much of that lately.

My failure to clearly say NO resulted in the partner being annoyed, me being under a lot of pressure to spend quite a bit of time on work that I dislike, AND having to delegate a project that I really would like to do because I won't have time for it. Lesson learned... maybe this time it will sink in.

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Wisdom of the day

This comes from Unclutterer.

In his book Thoughts Without A Thinker, [American psychiatrist Mark Epstein] relates a wonderful story about a glass:

"You see this goblet?" asks Achaan Chaa, the Thai meditation master. "For me this glass is already broken. I enjoy it; I drink out of it. It holds my water admirably, sometimes even reflecting the sun in beautiful patterns. If I should tap it, it has a lovely ring to it. But when I put this glass on the shelf and the wind knocks it over or my elbow brushes it off the table and it falls to the ground and shatters, I say, 'Of course.' When I understand that the glass is already broken, every moment with it is precious."

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Why Women Should Stop Trying to Be Perfect

A few people have recommended this article to me: Why Women Should Stop Trying to Be Perfect by Debora Spar, the President of Barnard College. I think it misses the point.

Clearly this article is in the same vein as Anne-Marie Slaughter's Why Women Still Can't Have It All. But while Slaughter calls for systemic change, here are Spar's recommendations:

1. Don't try to be perfect. You don't have to bake homemade madeleines for the school bake sale. HAHAHA. My kid is lucky if I remember there is a bake sale. The baby dumps the contents of the bookshelf on the floor and we step around the mess for two days until we finally have time to clean it up. Trust me, I am NOT striving for perfection here.

2. Get your husband to help out.
I could not possibly have a more supportive husband. JW picks the kids up every day, cooks dinner every night, prepares lunches, does the dishes, and picks up the slack when I'm not around without ever complaining. And did I mention that he has a demanding job of his own? Supportive husband = necessary but not sufficient.

3. It takes a village. Get your neighbors and friends to help out.
I could have an army of nannies. It wouldn't help. Because my problem is not that I need more people to take care of my kids. My problem is that I want to take care of my kids, or at least spend more than an hour a day with them. I asked a male colleague how he dealt with this and he shrugged, "Well, there's the weekend..." For me, seeing my kids two days a week just isn't good enough. (Plus, I work on the weekend too.)

I  feel like the model Spar is working off of is outdated. Her suggestions buy you more time to do work. That's not what I need. In our generation, I think an increasing number of us, both men and women, are rejecting the division of labor that puts one spouse at home and the other in the workplace. "Having it all," for us, means having both a satisfying work life and a satisfying home life. It shouldn't be too much to ask.

ETA: This article reminds me of  the study showing that women do negotiate salary, but still end up getting less than their male colleagues, and of the argument made 30 years ago that there were so few women partners because women were just starting to graduate from law school in equal numbers so we didn't have a good pipeline. In all three cases, conventional wisdom was that if only women negotiated, if only more women became lawyers, if only husbands were equal partners at home, these problems would be solved. All those things happened, and all the same problems are still around. So we're looking for new solutions -- and more complex explanations.

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MILP Roundup #271

It's over at Today Advocating Tomorrow this week.

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Work-life balance #5: Next steps

Writing this series, and reading all of your comments, has been illuminating. It's been like therapy for me. At first I thought of it as "here are my thoughts about this issue that affects all of us," and it was disconcerting that many of you responded with, "I'm so sorry," and "You poor thing." Like, hold on, we are talking about IDEAS here. Nobody mentioned FEELINGS. I didn't mean for this to be a cry for help. OK, maybe this situation is not what I want it to be, and I wouldn't say I'm happy about it, but... unhappy? Let's not be hasty and say things we'll regret later.

Reading my previous posts in this series again, I'm struck by how repetitive they are. These thoughts just swirl around and around my head endlessly. That is not healthy.

All of which forces me to acknowledge that yes, this is a problem, and I need to deal with it because I have just about reached the end of my rope.

I decided that I will try part-time, AND I will have to really assert myself and set boundaries. It's hard to say no, but at this point, if it doesn't work my next step is out the door. So my priority needs to be making this job sustainable, not bolstering my reputation. 

I talked about this with JW, who was offended that I had said he wasn't on board with the idea. To be fair, the first two times I brought this up, his reaction was "Don't do anything rash," because he was concerned about his own job stability. But this time he said the magic words: "I want you to be happy and healthy, and that's more important than money." And then he said -- because it was 11:30 p.m. and, like every night that week, I needed to stay up later to finish my work -- "But is it going to help you with this?"

It won't. In fact, Friday I talked to someone at the firm about going part-time, and figured out the next steps and made a concrete plan. And what am I doing now, Saturday night at midnight? One guess. (OK, given that I'm actually taking a break and blogging right at this moment, I'll accept either "work" or "procrastinating.") The person I talked to warned me that I would be blazing my own trail here, and that it would be an ongoing process to figure out how to reconcile a part-time schedule with the demands of my practice.

We'll see.

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Work-life balance #4: No more second-guessing

Yesterday three different partners told me (when assigning me work or checking in on an assignment) that they don't want me to get overloaded or feel overwhelmed, and they "know I'm busy" so they are asking before they give me work. One even said that if I feel overwhelmed, I should feel free to be honest and say no to additional work.

Which brought me back to yesterday's "maybe it's just me" post. And made me wonder if they had been reading this. More likely (I hope), their concern is related to the recent rash of female associate departures.

I believe these partners are sincere. I believe the firm WANTS to be nice and to be family-friendly and to retain women. But I also have a billable requirement to meet and I can't meet it if I turn down work because I feel overwhelmed. And even if I have all the time in the world and take on a new assignment, that assignment might blow up and consume my life. It's not really about not wanting to take on more work. It's the nature of deal-driven corporate work. I could reduce my total hours but there is no getting around the periods of late nights and craziness. If my kids were older, I think I could handle that. Right now, I don't think I can.

It messes with my head when the firm is all, "We're family friendly, we care about you, and also, we need you to do this ASAP." As many of you have noted, I'm always second-guessing myself about this because I think that if this is what I want, and the firm supports it, I can make it work... I just haven't figured out yet exactly how. During a deal, I think, "I can't do this, I'm exhausted, I want to see my family," and then when it's over, "This is manageable, I just have to ride out the bad times to get to the more stable periods in between." But as I get more senior, I'm on more and bigger deals, and there are fewer stable in-between times to hang on to.

Reading all of your comments has been immensely helpful. I feel like I live in this bubble where all of this seems normal, and once in a while I get a peek outside but then I'm sucked back in again. When I hear all of you saying that it's NOT just me, and that you've had similar experiences, it makes me feel a lot more sane about all these issues.

To be continued.

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Work-life balance #3: Maybe it's just me

An anonymous commenter wrote:

You have indeed been unhappy for a while it seems. Are you a person who has "status quo bias"? how have you made other big decisions in life? is the pay cut such a big deal given you will have another class year bump coming up?

Unhappy? I wouldn't say I'm unhappy. I like my work, I love my family, we live in a friendly neighborhood, we have financial security, everything is pretty great except for this one problem. But it wasn't until I recently went back and looked through my blog archives that I realized how long I've been feeling this way.

Do I have "status quo bias"? Let's see. According to Wikipedia, status quo bias is "an irrational preference for the current state of affairs." It includes elements of "loss aversion, existence bias [if it exists, it must be good], endowment effect [you value something more if you already have it], longevity [maybe the longer a situation goes on, the harder it is to change?], mere exposure [frequent exposure = good], and regret avoidance."

Yeah, I have that. I need to be convinced that I'm unhappy before I can believe that another situation is likely to be better.

How have I made other big decisions in life? I think about them very carefully, over a long time, and then I make a plan and act on it.

Is the pay cut [if I go part time] a big deal? Not to me... if part time is real.

As I see it, there are three alternatives:

1) Try to rearrange my work schedule to fit in my other priorities.

Maybe If I worked really hard at managing my time, accepting that some days or weeks are going to be terrible and then taking advantage of the other days or weeks to be out of the office and spend more time with my family, it could work out... but I don't think I have the discipline or control over my schedule to do this on a regular basis, and my kids are too young to take a long view and say, "Well, we haven't seen Mom all week, but she'll be around next week."

So, while at times I still think that I could make it work if I just tried hard enough, I'm starting to believe that this is impossible. The numbers of hours just don't add up.

2) Work part-time to have more hours for non-work priorities.

I'm willing to try this. I think it's probably the next step I will take, if I can get JW on board. But, like many commenters, I'm skeptical. I think it will be just as hard to draw boundaries as it is now, and I'll end up basically having the same schedule for less money and more hassle (because I'll be constantly explaining about my schedule and pushing back). The possibility of a true-up if I hit the full-time billable minimum is nice, but it's not the point. To me that just means the part-time scheme failed.

3) Leave and get a new job with less demanding hours expectations.

Here's where my status quo bias kicks in and I question whether a new job will be any better, unless it has significantly less responsibility. In addition to the other aspects of my current job that I like, I have a pretty easy commute and a lot of flexibility when I'm not crazy busy. Like, yesterday I had an 8 p.m. conference call, so I left at 3:30, picked up the kids, and then sat back down at my laptop at 7:45. I didn't have to clear it with anyone because I don't have a boss. I just let the people I'm working with know I wouldn't be available during that time. How can I find a job that will give me that kind of flexibility?

Of course, I imagine doing that kind of a thing a lot more often that I actually DO it, because something always seems to come up. But I do take regular advantage of the flexibility by coming in late after dropping off the kids, leaving early for pickup when JW is traveling, and running the occasional weekday errand. Which makes me go back to considering #1.

I guess there are actually two more alternatives: (0) do nothing, or (4) leave and be a SAHM. (0) is what I'm doing now and I think something needs to change. (4) we can't really afford, JW would hate it, and up until about two weeks ago, I had never in my life had the slightest desire to be a SAHM. But then I started to envy the other moms at kindergarten dropoff, who would let their younger kids run off to the playground while I left mine at daycare. And I would really love to be there when K gets out of school in the afternoon. Still, I think I'm romanticizing being with the kids more. In reality, sometimes our time together is golden and perfect and filled with love and laughter, and sometimes I long for my quiet office where I can focus on something I think is interesting without anyone whining about snacks or wiping something sticky on me.

In a way considering any alternative under than "do nothing" feels like failure. Not because I couldn't hack it, but because I feel like I SHOULD be able to make this work if I just tried hard enough.

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Work-life balance #2: Thanks for working late

Partner stopped by my office to ask about last night's conference call. I tell him it ended around midnight.

He asks about next steps and I tell him we have another conference call scheduled for tonight, and another one for the next day, and that it's a ridiculous timeline but we are pushing toward getting everything done on Friday.

He says, "But you shouldn't be here until midnight every night."

I reply, "I don't want to be here until midnight every night, and I don't think this deadline is reasonable. But I'm not sure what to do about it, since this is a global negotiation and I don't really have any say in the deadline."

He says, "Well, I appreciate it."

Which is nice. I'm not being sarcastic. It's nice that people here say thank you when they see you working hard. It's nice, and it makes me feel better, but it doesn't solve the problem.

This particular partner often checks in and always asks whether I have time before assigning me work. That helps, and I appreciate it.  But our clients aren't looking out for me like that, and this job is driven by client demands. Sometimes I can and do push back, but sometimes I can't. When I have a huge multinational client that has made a decision after coordinating with their various offices, am I going to tell them, no, I have to put my kid to bed? That is just not acceptable in my job. So I keep coming to the conclusion that the only thing that will help is being in a setting where nobody expects me to work until midnight every night.

A recruiter emailed me during hour 3 of last night's call about an in-house job. I had to laugh at her perfect timing.

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Work-life balance (current satisfaction: low)

I mentioned in the last post that my thoughts on work-life balance are all over the place. Here is what is going through my head right now, unedited. I am feeling drained after a few stressful weeks, and am putting off preparing for a 6-9 p.m. international conference call tonight.

Lately I feel like I exclusively do things that I have to do. This is a typical day:

6-8 a.m.: Hang out with the kids, feed them, change them, get them ready for the day.
8-8:45 a.m.: Drop-off. First K at kindergarten, then X at daycare.
8:45-9:30 a.m.: Get dressed, eat breakfast, shower if I have time, head to work.
7-8:30 p.m.: Get home, eat dinner, put K to bed.
8:30-9 p.m.: Pack kids' bags and get stuff ready for the next day.
9-11 p.m.: More work.

And that's a day when I DON'T have a major deadline or evening meeting. Those days look like this: 9:30 a.m.-1 a.m. Work. I feel like I have very little time to take care of myself, not to mention my marriage. The kids and the job get 95% of my waking time and energy.

I miss X's 7 p.m. bedtime at least 2-3 times a week. I miss K's 8:30 bedtime at least once a week. I never wanted to be this kind of mom. There are days, like today, when I only spend about half an hour with X (not counting time pushing him in the stroller) because he wakes up late in the morning and I miss his bedtime in the evening. K seems to need extra mommy time since starting kindergarten, even though he loves it, and he got upset yesterday (Sunday) when I spent half the day at work and X tackled me as soon as I got home, when K wanted to have one-on-one time with me.

I understand now why women with kids leave large law firms in droves. Even if I work part-time, the culture here is not going to change. I will still be invited to the evening meetings, and people will still stop by my office at 6:30 expecting me to be here. Officially maybe I won't have to be here, but I feel like it will be a constant struggle of setting boundaries and yet trying to keep getting work so I can maintain my billables. It would be so much easier to just work somewhere where everyone expects that they can get in touch with colleagues between about 9-5 (ideally more like 10-4, to leave room on either end of the day).

I talked to JW about going part-time anyway. I was thinking about still working five days a week, but leaving early twice a week so I can pick up the boys and we can have dinner as a family. He was not enthusiastic about me getting a 20% pay cut. Even if he were on board, I'm not sure if I'd be ready to pull the trigger immediately. But if something has to give, it seems like this should be the first thing to try. It feels a little scary.

Anne-Marie Slaughter's infamous Atlantic article resonated with me so much in part because I felt like she was giving me permission to do what I needed to do without feeling like I was failing or would never be able to get back to where I want to be in my career. But she also asked why we have to choose between having challenging work and a reasonable amount of time for our personal lives. The structural changes she proposed haven't happened yet, so I feel like I need to make that choice.

I've interviewed for a few in-house jobs, but they seem to offer large pay cuts for hours that aren't much better. Two colleagues who recently left said their in-house jobs will be 9-5, so maybe those jobs are out there. I like the responsibility I have in my job. I don't want a "smaller" job.

Sometimes I think I'm unbelievably lucky to have this job. Aside from the hours and stress, I actually love my job. I like the substantive work. I like the people. I like the firm as a whole. I love that clients call and ask me for my advice, and they pay me to tell them what I think. That is exactly what I wanted when I decided to go to law school. I don't know if I would be able to find the flexibility I have here in other jobs. If I can get all my hours in, nobody cares if I walk in at 10 a.m. or leave for an afternoon errand.  And of course, the salary is great and helps justify the hours. But I don't want to make as much of a tradeoff as I'm making now.

I've quit jobs before. I know that once you walk out that door, everything that seemed so important just goes away. All those documents you drafted, the people you worked hard to impress, the hours you put in... it just becomes a line on your resume. It's hard to keep that in mind before you make the decision to leave, though.

It's been particularly bad for the past few weeks, and sometimes when I'm at a low ebb in work-life balance satisfaction, I think that if I just stick it out past this stressful time, it'll get better. But when I look back through my blog archives, I've been saying the same thing pretty much for the past three years. Things somehow feel different now that K is in kindergarten. I really want to be there to talk to him and hear about his day. I want to see my baby for more than an hour. Heck, I want to have time to shower on a regular basis.

I don't know. The end of a stressful project, leaving early one afternoon, a day off, a vacation. They make me feel better about my job and feel like life is manageable. But I'm starting to think all these are decoys.

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My early morning

I woke up at 4 a.m., stressed about work. This is not terribly unusual. I decided to get up and put in a few hours on my laptop before the kids woke up.

I also woke up feeling cold, and thought about how X's hands and feet felt ice-cold when he woke up the day before. I decided to cover him up with a fleece blanket on my way downstairs.

How many times do I have to learn that if it ain't broke, don't fix it?

The second I cracked open X's door, he was on his feet, ready to go. I tried putting him back down and leaving quietly, but he started to cry. So I went back and stood next to his crib and hugged him, with my eyes closed to signal that I was asleep and he should go back to sleep. I figured he would like this for a minute or two, and then either he would start insisting that I pick him up or he would lie down and go back to sleep. Instead we stayed like that for LITERALLY AN HOUR, both of us standing there pressed against our respective sides of the crib, my arms around him and his face resting against my chest. Occasionally he would look up at my face or kiss me on the chin. And once, for no apparent reason, he slapped me a few times and I could hear K stirring from the sudden noise.

On one hand, if I have to be up at 4 a.m., hugging a baby is not the worst way to spend an hour. On the other hand, if I weren't so stupid, the baby would be sleeping at 4 a.m. When I finally gave up and brought him downstairs, K (who insists on sleeping with all the lights on and the door wide open) immediately woke up and came downstairs. So he was up at 5 a.m. X at least napped during the day, while K just grew progressively more miserable. (He did not, however, have a meltdown. Hooray for growing up.)

(Meanwhile, I've been meaning forever to write about work-life balance, but my thoughts on the subject ricochet so wildly that I could write about half a dozen different posts on the same day that all contradict each other. Clearly, it is an issue.)

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The main thing

A client -- on whose behalf I have been participating in endless negotiations -- said to me: "The main thing is to keep the main thing the main thing."

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Kindergarten!

[I wrote this last Friday and am just getting around to posting it... it's been a busy week.]

Today was K's first day of kindergarten!

(We have a slow transition into school. Yesterday we had a half-hour teacher conference and tour. Today he only went until 11 a.m. Monday he goes until noon. Tuesday is his first full day.)

A seasoned schoolgoer, K went confidently off, said hello to his teacher, and stood in line with his class. I was surprised to find myself tearing up. After all, I'm a seasoned dropper-off. But it felt different to be leaving him at the big school, with all the big kids, where he will go off and do his own thing and be more independent than he's ever been. The walk to school felt different too -- instead of me and my boys walking up our quiet street, laughing about something silly and stopping to look at bugs, we were caught up in a stream of kids and parents, all chatting and saying hello and running to catch up with each other.

Grandma picked him up and reported that his day was "awesome."

The best part for me was FINALLY getting confirmation that he has a spot in the after-school program, which starts next week. Back in the spring, the people who run the program told us all we had to do was hand in the form before the end of last school year, and we'd be all set. Last week, I realized we hadn't heard anything and started calling and emailing them, with no response. Yesterday, someone at the school informed us that if we hadn't gotten a call, it meant he didn't have a spot and that they were oversubscribed this year. Panic!! Finally, after my FOURTH phone call, I got them to confirm. He is in! Phew. No emergency nanny needed.


[Update, a week later: K loves kindergarten! He comes home so excited to tell us about all the new things he did that day. A SAHM friend reported that her son was so exhausted by the end of the school day at 2:30 that he had been having meltdowns every day. I guess K has been building up his stamina in daycare all these years!]

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More X update

X's mastery of the word "no" coincided with his illness. We heard a whole lot of "no" during the week he was sick. Frankly, I liked him better before all the "no."

X has also learned to identify his parents. I am the one he wants to carry him around all the time. I am the one who has to listen to him wail every time I leave his sight. I am the one whose plate he insists on eating off of. And what do I get for all that? I get called "Daddy." He also calls Daddy Daddy.

X started taking baths in the big tub. He loves baths. The moment you take him out, he runs away, dripping wet and laughing.

X got a time-out today for hitting K. A little later, when K was crying (because he is scared of monsters -- yes, these are two very different children, X would eat the monster), X went up to him and kept hugging and kissing him. Progress!

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Hand, foot, mouth, graduation

X is recovering from hand, foot, and mouth disease, a.k.a. Coxsackie virus. Red blisters all over his body, including inside his mouth. X is a tough little guy, but he has been miserable. The first day or two, I thought it was because one of his incisors is growing in and I was surprised at how much it was affecting him. When K got his back molars we had two weeks of fevers and crying, but X grew all of his molars with maybe a slight temporary increase in crankiness. We barely noticed. It all made sense on day three when the sores started appearing.

K is starting kindergarten this week! He had his pre-K graduation last Friday, which was the most adorable thing I've ever seen in my life. All the kids come shuffling in, wearing little caps and gowns, and stand in a line. They grin and make faces at their parents, or whisper and nudge each other, or look at the floor and wish for it to end. The teacher reads a short speech about how much she'll miss them. Then she turns on a CD and the strains of a ballad fill the air. The children open their mouths... and start shouting in unison, "THESE ARE THE MOMENTS!!! MOMENTS WE SHARE!!!" All the parents are simultaneously crying and failing to suppress our laughter as our kids sincerely belt out their graduation song. Then each kid in turn gets a diploma and shakes hands with the teacher while the parents have a photo op. Finally, the kids proudly go to their parents and the party starts. With ice cream cake!

And JW and I recently celebrated our tenth anniversary with a night out on the town. We had a lovely dinner and K made us a card with a picture of a tiger.

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18 months

X at 18 months:

Says hi, bye-bye, up, shoes, cheese, cheers, ball, cup, and probably some other words.

Makes appropriate animal sounds -- you should hear his lion roar. He doesn't just say "roar," he actually snarls.

Has a defiant streak. He will purposely continue to do something if I tell him not to.

Will climb furniture and cry because he can't get back down again.

Is cautious about the stairs (which is very good because we don't have a gate) but fearless at the playground. The other day he repeatedly climbed up a ladder and slid down the steepest playground slide I've ever seen, laughing his head off the entire time.

Still attacks his brother, but typically tries to wrestle or grab his book instead of pinching and biting.

Fights me every day when I try to put him in the stroller.

Loves magic markers and will stick them in his mouth, draw all over his face, and scribble in every book he can find before I get it away from him. (We've been using the Crayola Color Wonder markers as decoys, but he needs to learn not to scribble in books.)

Loves hopping and jumping. (And those are two more words he knows.)

Has definite preferences and will shake his head when he doesn't want something.

Does not have stable food preferences yet; eats pretty much everything, but you never know what he'll eat on a given day.

Loves chasing, peekaboo games, and books. (Unrippable board books only for this one.)

Tries to catch bugs and animals. I had to rescue him from a goose bite at the zoo, and have had to stop him more than once from attempting to grab a bee. K at this age would get excited when he saw a dog, and would start running up to it, but then at the last minute would shrink back. Not X. He will stick his pudgy little hand right in the dog's mouth.

Whenever we see an animal, no matter how far away, he will point at it. "Woof! Woof!"

Doesn't look as round and chubby as he once was... but he is 25th percentile in height and 70th in weight.

Has no problem drinking out of a regular cup, but then he dumps it out for fun. I've never understood why people suggest weaning kids off sippy cups at this age.

Loves the sensory table and kitchen play areas in K's classroom. Too bad we won't be going in the big kid room anymore.

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MILP Roundup #266

The Weekly Mothers In the Legal Profession Roundup is hosted on a rotating basis at the Butterflyfish, PT Law Mom, Attorney at Large, Attorney Work Product, Today Advocating Tomorrow, Reluctant Grownup, and Magic Cookie blogs.

The MILP Rounduppers have had a hectic summer, so you get a bonus week in this roundup: what all the MILPs have been up to between August 13th and August 26th.

Alice in Wonderland is pregnant with boy #2! (While working a grueling schedule. SO much harder during pregnancy.)

The Attorney at Large confesses to a  fashion sin and disses engineers (as clients).

You Will Have a Bright Future's due date came and went with no action in her pants. (The latter post is actually about how a change in immigration law kept her busy at work, and the pants-action was just a passing joke.)

Butterflyfish (a.k.a. Cheryl) didn't get the job, and wrote letters to Bullshark.

CP ponders her past ambitions and her life expectancy.

Magic Cookie thinks stuff is good and gets a kindergarten raise.

Dinei has a bad day and gets one hour of respite.

Work heats up for Frenchie and life heats up for Juliet Cap.

Grace is trying to take care of herself while dealing with post-surgery sleeplessness.

Izzie is working part time, but is getting frustrated by her job search (while being happily distracted by her baby girl).
 
Kate is in her new home after a long trip.

LC gives fashion advice and is glad she made her family execute powers of attorney.

LEO had a reviving anniversary trip.

Lag Liv took a family vacation and made a big decision about switching schools for her kids.

PT-LawMom is mourning the loss of a friend.

Suzie has (probably) retired.

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Possessions

I love this post by Miss Minimalist about "possessions as promises." She argues that when we buy new things, it's not the thing we really want -- it's the promise it holds, and the thing itself often doesn't deliver. This is such a great point. All those issues of Real Simple, telling you that you need a $90 Lucite inbox so that your papers can be organized... the must-have item of the day at Corporette, holding the promise of a stylish and professional look... that new exercise equipment that is just the thing you need to get more fit. And those things end up shoved in a closet while your papers spill on the floor and you eat a brownie. And by "you" I mean me.

Everyone always talks about how stuff doesn't make you happy, experiences do. But I don't think that's really true. I have plenty of stuff that makes me happy, and not just practical things (e.g., I'm happy to have a fridge so my food doesn't spoil). My colorful living room rug makes me happy, even though I bought it at a time when I probably shouldn't have. The pens I use for work make me happy. I bought a box of the exact pens I like as a Christmas present for myself. My Prius makes me smile every time I stop at a red light and hear silence.

I think the key is that all of those were things I really wanted and thought about for a long time before buying them. (Yes, even the pens, because sometimes I have a hard time pulling the trigger for purchases.) The stuff that doesn't make me happy is generally stuff that I impulse buy, or especially that I see on the Internet and think I have to have, because it will make me more fit, or more stylish, or more organized, or a better mom. But it rarely does.

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Parenting, good and bad

I felt like a good mom today.

I've mentioned before that X has always had violent tendencies. And I'm a big proponent of showing kids what TO do, instead of just telling them not to do. So I've been training X. "No hitting," I say, making a hitting motion and shaking my head. "Be gentle," I tell him, lightly stroking his arm. "Gentle." 

After weeks and weeks of this, I think he gets it. He'll start to hit, then stop his arm in midair and pat me on the arm, saying, "Shub." Weeks ago at school, when all the kids were sitting around the breakfast table, I saw him casually grab the arm of the baby next to him and open wide like he was about to chomp down on a turkey leg. Today at dropoff, he turned to the little girl next to him, raised his hand... and gently stroked her hair, telling her, "Shub."

He's not much for talking, but his behavior is improving.

Meanwhile, I'm having two issues with the other one. Any experienced parents have advice here?

First, I'm concerned that he's not getting enough sleep (about 9 hours on a typical night, from about 9:30 p.m. to 6:30 a.m., no nap). It takes him a long time to settle down at night, and the moment I leave the room he's up reading a comic book. For the past few nights I've been staying in his room and making sure he's lying down with his eyes closed, but that doesn't seem like a good long-term solution. Part of the problem is that even if I get home relatively early (which for me is before 7), I have to eat dinner and then we spend some time together, so we don't start getting ready for bed until after 8. The lights are out by 8:45 and then he's asleep sometime between 9 and 10.  I guess one solution is for me to come home an hour earlier, but I already get to work late after dropoff... I would have to start working part-time.

Second, he's such a drama queen about getting hurt. Today I told him he needs to toughen up, which I've been finding myself saying a lot lately. His face fell and I realized that telling him that doesn't help and just makes him feel bad. At the same time, I would like to discourage all the whining about his various wounds, bumps, and bruises. (He tends to be overly sensitive about other things too... today he was moping around and when I asked what was wrong, he burst out with, "Camryn took my acorn away at naptime!")

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I love kindergarten!

I braced myself when I opened the credit card bill this month, since I knew it contained our vacation spending (not counting the big items like airfare and hotels, which we prepaid). I was pleasantly surprised to find the lowest number I've seen in the past year! Daycare, usually our biggest item, was cut in half. I called to confirm and yep, it's not a mistake -- they applied K's last-month deposit (which I had forgotten about) for August. Our daycare costs won't always be quite this low -- we'll be paying a little more for X without the sibling discount, and K's extended day program is about $350 a month -- but we are still getting a sizable raise, a month earlier than I had expected! Hooray for public school! And when X is three, we may be able to lottery into the preschool program at K's school, which is nearly half the price of private daycare. All of which means that the US Department of Education will be getting a big fat check from me within the next 6 months, and our gigantic mortgage for our 100-year old fixer-upper will be the only debt hanging over our heads.

Other goings-on in the past few days (pictures if I get time later):

Saturday: Nonna's 90th birthday party! A big family event, replete with a five-verse song recapping her life to the tune of "This Land is Your Land."

Sunday: Bronx Zoo with my niece. The kids LOVED it. They had a "Lego Safari" exhibit with life-size Lego wild animals coming out of the woods, and a little station where you could build your own Lego animals. The next day I heard K explaining that if you did a really good job building your Lego animal, they would put it in the woods.

Monday and Tuesday: Up at the lake with some relatives we rarely see: JW's sister and her family, and his uncle from New Zealand, PLUS 90-year old Nonna, who hardly ever leaves her house! Meanwhile, in the big city: my new nephew was born!! Nine days early, to my poor sister-in-law, who we dragged all around the zoo the day before in 90-degree weather.

Today: K said, "Mommy, can I tell you something? This is true. I mean it, this is true. It's really true. I won the lottery."
"You won the lottery?"
"Yes. I won four dollars."
"From Uncle Andy's ticket that he let you scratch?"
"Yes."
"I think that's his four dollars."
"Can I have it?"
"Okay. We can start a savings account for you."
I decided that rather than an actual bank account, I would hold on to his account. I made him an account statement that had four dollar signs on it and taped it on his wall. He started plotting all the things he would do with his money, and I asked how he planned to get more.
"I'll win the lottery again."
I suggested working for his money instead.
After that, he kept telling everyone we ran into that he had some money. If he stays interested, maybe I'll think about giving him extra chores for money.

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