I demand... macaroni sculptures!

X has started talking a lot, but being X, it's mostly a long string of shouted demands.
Here is what he commanded while we were getting ready to leave this morning:

Sit down.
Sit up there!
Sock!
See a snowman!
Monkey see the snowman!
NO SHOE! NOOOOO SHOOOOE!
Kiss a monkey!

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TV and homemade bread

We visited a neighbor today. Actually, twice. K had a thank you note to deliver, and she invited us in and told us to come back in an hour when the bread would be out of the oven and ready to eat.

Her twentysomething daughter was visiting. The entire time we were there, the daughter was lounging on the couch with a blanket wrapped around her, watching a "Homeland" marathon. Meanwhile, her mother was baking bread and cookies, and would bring her a plate and a drink once in a while.

I was so jealous. Sometimes I wish someone would take care of me for a change. Being a grownup sucks. (Not that I can imagine my own parents tolerating me sitting on the couch watching TV all afternoon, let alone bringing me snacks.)

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MILP roundup #296

Butterflyfish has it.

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Part time

Today I took K out for ice cream. He was excited to have it be just the two of us.
As we ate our ice cream, K asked, "How's work going?" A very adult question.
I said I liked my job, but lately I had been working more than I would like.
He said, "So I guess you didn't get a new job."

In the not-too-distant past, I concluded that I needed to get out of biglaw and started seriously looking at alternatives. When K asked what a "job interview" was, I told him I was looking for a new job because I wanted to see him more. He thought that was a great idea.

For reasons I won't go into now, I eventually decided to break up with my recruiter and give part-time a chance at my current firm. What's happened is this:
- I've been billing more than part time, but less than full time.
- I haven't been staffed on any huge deals, and haven't done any M&A at all. (Both fine with me. I like M&A, but the schedule is brutal.)
- I sleep more and sometimes get home in time for dinner.
- I have a late night about once a week.
- When a snow day or a sick day happens -- nearly every week, this winter -- in general I don't have to panic as much (or stay up until 3 a.m. the day before, my usual MO). However, these days have absorbed a lot of the "reduced" part of my reduced schedule.

I told K, "I decided to stay at my job, but take less money and not work so much. You've been seeing me more, right?"
K replied, "You didn't come home two nights in a row."
I said, "I know, but... it's been better, right? I've been coming home earlier?"
K said encouragingly, "You've picked me up a few times." But I know that tone of K's. It's when he's humoring me to make me feel better.

So I'm spending my Saturday night doing something familiar -- fighting off exhaustion while working on a draft that needs to be complete by first thing Monday morning at the latest, and occasionally taking breaks to complain here or to search job boards.

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Cruise

Last night I dreamed that we took the kids on a cruise.

I've only been on an actual cruise once in my life, when JW and I took a week-long trip around the Caribbean for our honeymoon. I loved it. When we were at sea, we'd explore the ship, and hold hands and look at the waves, and go out for cocktails and dancing at night.

I don't remember whether my dream included the actual cruise part. I only remember herding the kids off the ship while trying to keep K in sight, X from running away, and a grip on the luggage. I felt harried but relieved that it had gone smoothly. Now that I think of it, I don't even know if JW was there.

An apropos dream for the end of the weekend.

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MILP Roundup #293 and #294, part 2

The weekly Mothers In the Legal Profession Roundup is hosted on a rotating basis at the Attorney at Large, Butterflyfish, PT Law Mom, Attorney Work Product, BJJ, Law, and Living, Reluctant Grownup, and Magic Cookie blogs.

Making up for lost time, the Reluctant Grownup and I are splitting up the roundups for the past two weeks. Here's what half the MILPs have been up to between February 25th and March 9th... check out RG's post for the other half of the roundup.

PT-LawMom is pregnant!
Legally Certifiable is kicking legal ass during the week and checking out robots on the weekend.
Lag Liv turned 30 and gave advice to aspiring law students.
In a Minute... is proud of raising feminist daughters, and got to take a half day to run errands and shock the pediatrician.
Izzie made new friends while getting annoyed with her extended family.
RG took bar exam #2 and discussed werewolves in London.
Kate reflected on Roe v. Wade and finished her trial advocacy course.
Mommy Madness weighed in on Marissa Mayer and working from home.

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The party

It's hard to believe we went forward an hour instead of back. I keep thinking, "No wonder I'm so tired, the clock says 9 but it feels like 10" and then I realize, no, we went the other way.

K's class party was utter chaos. The kids spent two hours yelling and throwing things at each other's heads. K cried a few times because the other kids weren't paying enough attention to him. One other kid cried because a thrown object hit him in the head. It's sort of amazing that nobody else got injured. One kid asked for a soda and told everyone he wished he had brought his iPad so he could show off his new app.

We played an impromptu game of Pin the Tail on the Donkey when the only girl in K's class who showed up said, "When are we going to do something fun? Isn't there a pinata around here?" We had already set up giant Post-Its on the wall with markers, so I helped her draw a donkey and I drew a tail for each kid. The kids each enjoyed their turn, but after a while they got bored of waiting for everyone else to go and most of them returned to pelting each other with whatever objects they could grab, which was fine because I didn't have prizes or anything.

The moms clustered in one corner of the living room, with four moms squeezed together on the couch even though there was plenty of other seating. They did not venture off the couch during the entire party and refused all offers of food and drink, including water and ice cream cake. They talked about their personal trainers. They seemed nice, but not really my crowd. Two moms dropped off their kid and left their phone number. One mom emailed me later to say her kid couldn't come because he has been having behavior issues and has to learn about rewards and consequences.

All the kids preferred the mini-pizzas to the pigs in a blanket. All the grapes disappeared, and surprisingly so did most of the carrots. The kids made fart jokes during snacktime and all of them asked if they could have the next piece of cake. Half the kids gave Lego sets as presents and two of them gave gift cards.

And now we're done until next year. I've already started encouraging K to have a special adventure with a few friends, or Mom or Dad, instead of a big party next year. The lamps weren't broken, just askew. But JW has vowed that we will never again have a kids' party at home.

This week: Doctor's appointments for the kids today (K is 5th percentile in height and 20th in weight; X is 25th in height and 70th in weight, and got one shot which he bore bravely), and parent-teacher conference on Friday. And please, please, no more illnesses or snowstorms, I can't take anymore.

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The chaos of little kids

[Found this in my drafts folder from a couple of weeks ago... today was yet another giant snowstorm, which meant last night I was up until 2 a.m. working because I knew I wouldn't get much done today, and then today I was attempting to answer phone calls and send out drafts while not completely neglecting K who was home from school, and then giving up when X got sent home, and spending two hours shoveling, and finally logging back in at 9 p.m. to continue working... you know, the usual routine. In fact, the only reason I remembered this post was here is that I kept thinking today that I 100% understand why people choose to quit high-powered careers and stay home with their kids. To stay sane.]

My life often feels chaotic. There are certain basic things that I need to do:

1. Care for myself - get plenty of sleep and exercise regularly.
2. Care for my children (and to the extent I'm outsourcing that, make sure they are being well cared for).
3. Spend some quality time with my husband.
4. Get my work done.
5. Keep the household running (including maintenance, paying bills, grocery shopping, etc.)

Seems reasonable, right? I don't think there's anything non-essential on this list. And I have pretty minimal standards for most of these things. If I miss a non-critical deadline, the kids eat chicken nuggets from the freezer, I skip a workout or two, I leave the floor littered with puzzle pieces for a week, and JW and I realize it's been a couple of days since we've had an actual conversation, no big deal. So I feel frustrated and stressed when I'm consistently missing any of these things, even with my low standards.

I am finally accepting that, while my kids are small, it's going to be very difficult -- probably impossible -- to have even these essential things on a regular basis. I think it's condescending when people tell me that having kids is a full-time job, like when people assure SAHMs that what they're doing is the most important kind of work. But it's true. Little kids literally need someone physically with them at all times, 24x7. They demand a lot of attention when they're awake. They get hurt and sick a lot. They spill and break stuff. They need help in the middle of the night. While my kids are young, I need to give in to the chaos and give up the idea that even these basics are consistently achievable.

I was talking to a new associate at the firm who said that she didn't really get why work-life balance was such a big issue, and didn't mind working so hard. I don't think you can fully grasp it if you've never had small children. Maybe if you have an aging parent or chronically ill pets who can't be left alone, the demands are similar. I never used to understand how educated, accomplished women could entirely opt out of the workplace to raise their kids, but now I do. If I removed work from my list of essentials, our lives would suddenly become manageable. And look at the other items on my list -- caring for myself, my family, my marriage, and my home. I often prioritize work over all of these things, but that doesn't reflect their importance to me. (Which is a big part of how I ended up in therapy.) I completely understand now how someone can conclude that if they can get along without the salary, work is not worth it.

On exercise, a friend said, "Did you ever notice that the older moms are smokin' hot? It's because they have time to exercise regularly! Once your kids are 7, you can have the boob job and hit the gym." I didn't know the boob job was a normal thing (in her upscale town, apparently it is and everyone swaps surgeon recommendations), but the rest of it makes sense. So... I just have to get through the next 5 years.

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More birthday festivities

This Sunday is K's party with his kindergarten class at our house. So far the only effort I have put into it is sending an Evite to the parents a week in advance. I was hoping the short notice would deter people from coming (it's 21 kids!) but so far we already have 12 RSVPs. The plan is to have ice cream cake and frozen mini pizzas and pigs in a blanket, have the kids run around and break stuff, and call it a day.

Starting next year, X will probably want to have a class party too. If only I were one of those crafty moms who gets all excited about having a theme and cute decorations and games. I'm all about minimum effort for kid parties. I'd prefer skipping them altogether and having the kids do something special with a few close friends, which will hopefully happen as they get older. But for now it seems we're stuck with the invite-the-whole-class party. So far the kids haven't seemed to notice my lack of effort -- except when K asked, "What will my party invitations look like? Will they have Legos on them?" And my response was, "Oh, right... invitations." Then I quickly sent the Evite, and felt a little guilty.

So on Saturday we have to shop, and on Sunday we will attempt to clean, and then we'll be done for the year. My birthday is next, and it's much easier. I will have some kind of cake, several hours to myself, hugs from the kids, and a fancy dinner out with JW, and that's everything I want.

On Saturday I'm also going to finally get a haircut. I'm about a month overdue, which is a lot when you have short hair that needs to be cut every month. It's gotten to the point where I'm actually embarrassed to be seen by anyone outside my immediate family. See, K was sick, and then there was a blizzard, and then everyone was sick, and then it was the boys' birthday, and now there's another blizzard... but I can't have all the other kindergarten moms judging me. So Saturday it is, even if I have to park in a snowbank.

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Therapy hiatus

I graduated from therapy! For now, at least. I may go back at some point, possibly to someone with a different approach.

After a few months, I felt like the therapist was telling me the same things over and over again, and it was time to act on them. We talked about self-compassion, mindfulness of emotion, and in general keeping in mind what's really important to me (and what should be important to me, like taking care of myself) and living accordingly. 

One image that helped me was riding a wave -- knowing that if things are overwhelming (or if things are perfect), it will pass, and trying to go with it instead of struggling against it. I've been reading a book about mindfulness meditation, and it also talks about how we have a tendency to grasp on to happy moments and try to push away bad ones, and how instead we need to take things as they come and accept both the good and the bad as essential parts of life.

We also spent a few sessions talking about my childhood, and I left those feeling much lighter. I learned that my unhappy childhood had something in common with the unhappy parts of my Biglaw experience -- it's the mindfuck that's harder to deal with than what actually happened.

So, overall: big thumbs up for therapy. I will keep practicing all of the things I learned. And maybe I'll use the extra hour in my week to finally start piano lessons.

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Birthday boys!

X and K are 2 and 6 today!

Luckily, they're not old enough yet to object to my taking pictures of them first thing in the morning.

X doesn't get the birthday concept, but he does like the song. He spent the morning singing, "Happy to you, happy to you, happy Mommy! Happy to you."

Tonight we're taking them out to their favorite restaurant for dinner (plastic trucks and mac and cheese will be involved) and we'll leave straight from there for NY, where they're having a big family party tomorrow.

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