Excerpts from an email exchange with a friend, posted here with her permission. She left her large firm and is currently practicing in a happier environment.
Me: One of the associates who's pregnant said she wants me to "teach her how to be a working mom." HA HA.
Her: OH I KNOW, RIGHT. When I left, I had a PARADE of young female associates in my office, going "BUT YOU WERE MY ROLE MODEL FOR HOW TO SURVIVE THIS." And I was just like, LOL OMFG.
Me: To be fair, it seemed like you were making it work for a long time. Or rather, even though it was tough, you seemed like you still thought it was worth it and were reasonably happy with both your home life and work life. No?
Her:
Me:
This too. Although I already added to the statistics once (leaving engineering for law) so I got most of my angst about that over with last time.
I have had partners say to me explicitly that I need to be a role model. As in, I say, "There are very few female corporate partners at the firm period, and none with young children," and they say, "That's why you have to stick with it and be a role model, to show that it can be done!" Except... if nobody else has done it, and I don't want to do it, maybe there's a good reason for that.
Me: One of the associates who's pregnant said she wants me to "teach her how to be a working mom." HA HA.
Her: OH I KNOW, RIGHT. When I left, I had a PARADE of young female associates in my office, going "BUT YOU WERE MY ROLE MODEL FOR HOW TO SURVIVE THIS." And I was just like, LOL OMFG.
Me: To be fair, it seemed like you were making it work for a long time. Or rather, even though it was tough, you seemed like you still thought it was worth it and were reasonably happy with both your home life and work life. No?
Her:
Yeah, I think I gave a lot of people the impression that it was working. And I think many days and weeks, I was able to fool myself too. But when I look back and remember what was going on, it's kind of striking how many separate near-breaking-points there were. How tortured I felt about the full-time/part-time thing. And how much I used to kind of hate myself for feeling despondent when all these people kept telling me how I was supermom and superassociate and "going to make partner." I'd be like, except why do I want to jump out the nearest window? And I blamed myself a lot. It didn't work very well. I just pulled off a good illusion.
Me:
Hmm, I don't think I ever understood the extent of that. I knew you went through rough patches, but my interpretation was that you were always on that righteous path to partnership and ultimately you were okay with it, even if you were conflicted. And that you finally left after realizing that no matter how much you give, it's never going to be enough.
Her:
I really feel you on all of this. The string of near-breaking-points, glossed over with "it is what it is" and "I can do this," and the praise for having it all when, if you allow yourself to admit it even for a moment, you're actually unhappy and if this is having it all, you don't WANT it all. And especially the blaming yourself for all of it.
Also, inertia and fear are powerful forces. I spent a lot of time thinking that staying was "worth it" because statistics SAY I will not survive Biglaw, and I cannot ADD to those statistics. I stayed for lots of reasons. I didn't know what else to do. I didn't know if anywhere else would be better. I was ashamed of giving up. I still wanted to believe in the system, and in the merits of partnership. I still wanted it all to be FOR something. None of these decisions is simple. Some days I was happier than others. But looking back, I think it only "worked" when forces outside my control allowed it to work (e.g., it's a slow week -- extra play time with the baby! Deadline extended! Client cancelled project!) But anytime things got Biglaw-y, it fell apart fast.
This too. Although I already added to the statistics once (leaving engineering for law) so I got most of my angst about that over with last time.
I have had partners say to me explicitly that I need to be a role model. As in, I say, "There are very few female corporate partners at the firm period, and none with young children," and they say, "That's why you have to stick with it and be a role model, to show that it can be done!" Except... if nobody else has done it, and I don't want to do it, maybe there's a good reason for that.
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