A dirty secret

Female attorneys out there, I apologize. Especially current or aspiring female biglaw attorneys. I am going to say something you are never, ever supposed to admit out loud, much less in writing.

Pregnancy is hard. It takes a serious physical toll on you. If you've never been pregnant, you have no idea how physically taxing it is, especially the last few months. It's not just a matter of feeling a little more tired than usual. It can be uncomfortable and often painful.

Pre-pregnancy, I didn't mind (too much) when somebody dropped work on my desk at six and said, "You can turn these documents around tonight, right?" meaning "Stay up until two in the morning so we can get these documents out." That's what I signed up for when I took this job.

But since the beginning of my pregnancy, the biglaw schedule has felt inhumane. Now when I'm lugging huge closing binders to someone's office, or I have to stay up until all hours to get a set of documents out, or I have to wait for the partner to respond to my email before I can go to bed, I no longer do it cheerfully. Sometimes I want to say, "DON'T YOU PEOPLE REALIZE I'M PREGNANT? LET ME GET SOME SLEEP." For god's sake, I have SHINGLES. A condition caused by STRESS. I don't know if it was coincidental that it started after two weeks of working nights and weekends.

I can never say that out loud at the firm, of course. Because admitting that pregnancy has made me less willing and able to do my job means that any woman who may get pregnant is now suspect. It means that the firm doesn't have to just suck up my maternity leave, but has to deal with me not performing the way I should for nine months beforehand. It means that a young married woman is a worse bet as an employee than a childless woman or a man. So everyone, including me, tries to ignore the pregnancy and I get treated exactly the same way I did before. I know in terms of women's rights and equality in the workplace, this is a good thing. But in reality? It doesn't feel like a good thing.