Extended family vacation

I wrapped up an eventful week at work early for my cousin's wedding. Weddings, actually. It's common in my community for people who marry others of a different religion to have two separate ceremonies.

(JW and I didn't -- we had an interfaith ceremony and had to do lots of arguing to get everyone on board. From the beginning, we both agreed that we were blending our lives, and our wedding ceremony was the place to start. We both felt that if you have more than one ceremony, it's as if only one is "real" and each side can say it's theirs. While I'm reminiscing back to our engagement, the night that he proposed we also both agreed, without any prior discussion, that we wanted to get married at Manning Chapel at Brown, our alma mater. It felt like a good sign that we both had the same thoughts about our wedding, and it did turn out to presage a marriage where we're nearly always on the same wavelength about important decisions. But anyway, this post isn't about that.)

This cousin went a step further and had not only two separate ceremonies, but also two separate receptions. Two full weddings, on two consecutive nights. My side of the family descended on Charlotte, North Carolina en masse for these events.

Friday, our alarm went off at 4:30 a.m. and we had the kids in the car, headed to the airport, before 5:30. The flight was only an hour and a half and both kids were content to watch videos and chow down on snacks. (I learned that X is a big Dora fan. K eschewed the in-flight entertainment because he might see something scary, and opted instead for downloaded Jake and the Neverland Pirates episodes on JW's computer.) When we arrived, we headed for my cousin's house.

K had refused his usual pre-flight Dramamine. He was fine on the plane, but by the time we got out of the car in Charlotte, tears were streaming down his face and he looked thoroughly green. He spent the next couple of hours sobbing and pulling at his ears. Meanwhile, X managed to lock himself in one of the bedrooms. I ran back and forth between K, who was in the bathroom trying to throw up, and the half dozen relatives in the hallway attempting to pick the lock.

JW eventually managed to get the door open and rescue X. K took a long nap and felt better. The boys spent the rest of the afternoon wrestling with their older cousins, and then we dressed up and went to the wedding. It turned out that the first wedding was basically for the groom's side of the family -- Western clothes, lots of Jesus talk, dry reception (which JW was pretty upset about) -- and the second wedding was the Indian wedding. The wedding was a bit of an ordeal for us and my brother and sister-in-law, since between us we had four children between the ages of 11 months and 6 years. I spent most of the time running after the kids and barely got to eat dinner, let alone watch the ceremony or enjoy the reception.

Friday night my baby nephew was sick and screamed the entire night. Around 4 a.m., I got up and downloaded a white noise app. Nephew was quiet after that and our kids got up at 6, so it didn't help.

Saturday none of us had much energy. We hung out at our house all day. There were no toys, so the kids had to be resourceful. K and his cousin M colored and cut out masks, which they used to put on a play. Act 1 consisted entirely of the two of them falling down repeatedly and yelling. Act 2 featured an exciting fight scene. X spent over an hour quietly cutting pieces of paper into teeny tiny shreds, which were repurposed as snow in Act 3. The play fell apart in Act 4 when M wanted Cement Man and Goggles Ghost to fall in love and K would have none of it.

Saturday night was wedding #2. My brother and I had learned a Bollywood dance for the occasion. The bride had choreographed an entire "flashmob" routine for the guests, with a step-by-step YouTube tutorial. We plotted ways to make it an actual flashmob: get everyone to jump up about 20 minutes into the ceremony and break into the dance; recruit everyone we could find at the hotel bar to run in just for the dance and leave again immediately after. But on their second night of insufficient sleep, the kids tore around the dance floor like crazy during dinner, and then we had to leave before the meltdowns got bad. It didn't end up mattering whether the wedding was "dry" or not, since the second night I think JW and I together managed to drink less than half a glass of wine. We were too busy chasing after the kids. I didn't even get to eat dessert either night. What's the point of a wedding with no ceremony (that I got to see), no dancing, and no dessert (substitute "drinking" if you are not me)? The moral of the story is: Don't bring kids to weddings, even if they are invited. I love my kids, but it wasn't their scene. The weddings would have been really fun if they weren't there.

Sunday we spent the day at my cousin's house. With the big events out of the way, this was a laid-back family reunion. It was fun. The boy cousins spent most of the time wrestling again. JW took the boys swimming and got a bad sunburn.

Sunday I also got a text from our contractor, announcing that he was going to come by on Wednesday to set things up, and that he planned to start demolition in a week so we needed to get everything out of the kitchen.

Today we flew back home and immediately started on the kitchen. Tonight we sleep in our own beds for one night. Tomorrow we head to the in-laws' house for more family togetherness -- JW's sister and her family are coming up for the week, so we're going to extend our vacation and see them. More cousins! More chaos! My sister-in-law's kids are 2 and 3, so I'm expecting a cuter yet more exhausting variety of kid chaos.

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Real life in biglaw: "making it work" and "having it all"

Excerpts from an email exchange with a friend, posted here with her permission. She left her large firm and is currently practicing in a happier environment.

Me: One of the associates who's pregnant said she wants me to "teach her how to be a working mom." HA HA.

Her: OH I KNOW, RIGHT.  When I left, I had a PARADE of young female associates in my office, going "BUT YOU WERE MY ROLE MODEL FOR HOW TO SURVIVE THIS."  And I was just like, LOL OMFG.

Me: To be fair, it seemed like you were making it work for a long time. Or rather, even though it was tough, you seemed like you still thought it was worth it and were reasonably happy with both your home life and work life. No?

Her:

Yeah, I think I gave a lot of people the impression that it was working.  And I think many days and weeks, I was able to fool myself too.  But when I look back and remember what was going on, it's kind of striking how many separate near-breaking-points there were.  How tortured I felt about the full-time/part-time thing.  And how much I used to kind of hate myself for feeling despondent when all these people kept telling me how I was supermom and superassociate and "going to make partner."  I'd be like, except why do I want to jump out the nearest window?  And I blamed myself a lot.  It didn't work very well.  I just pulled off a good illusion.

Me:

Hmm, I don't think I ever understood the extent of that. I knew you went through rough patches, but my interpretation was that you were always on that righteous path to partnership and ultimately you were okay with it, even if you were conflicted. And that you finally left after realizing that no matter how much you give, it's never going to be enough.

I really feel you on all of this. The string of near-breaking-points, glossed over with "it is what it is" and "I can do this," and the praise for having it all when, if you allow yourself to admit it even for a moment, you're actually unhappy and if this is having it all, you don't WANT it all. And especially the blaming yourself for all of it.

Her:

Also, inertia and fear are powerful forces.  I spent a lot of time thinking that staying was "worth it" because statistics SAY I will not survive Biglaw, and I cannot ADD to those statistics. I stayed for lots of reasons.  I didn't know what else to do.  I didn't know if anywhere else would be better.  I was ashamed of giving up.  I still wanted to believe in the system, and in the merits of partnership.  I still wanted it all to be FOR something.  None of these decisions is simple.  Some days I was happier than others.  But looking back, I think it only "worked" when forces outside my control allowed it to work (e.g., it's a slow week -- extra play time with the baby!  Deadline extended!  Client cancelled project!)  But anytime things got Biglaw-y, it fell apart fast.

 

Me:
This too. Although I already added to the statistics once (leaving engineering for law) so I got most of my angst about that over with last time.

I have had partners say to me explicitly that I need to be a role model. As in, I say, "There are very few female corporate partners at the firm period, and none with young children," and they say, "That's why you have to stick with it and be a role model, to show that it can be done!" Except... if nobody else has done it, and I don't want to do it, maybe there's a good reason for that.

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Phone call with X

I had an entire phone conversation with X! (Why phone? Working late, of course.)

Me: Hi X! It's Mommy!

X: HI!! I TALKING MOMMY!

Me: Did you have a good day?

X: YES!!

Me: Did you go to the playground?

X: YES!!

Me: Are you eating dinner?

X: YES!!

Me: What are you eating for dinner?

X:  I EATING K EAT DINNER! DADDY DINNER!

Me: I love you!

X: I LOB YOU???

K: Hi Mommy!

X (in the background): AAAHHH MY PHONE! I TALK. MY TURN. I'M PHONE!!

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Minor me update

After failing to think of a single blogworthy thing in my life when firing up the ol' browser window for yesterday's post, I came up with a few small items. For the sake of breaking out of a non-blogging period, here they are:

1. Commuting. I recently switched from a driving commute to a public transit commute. I thought I'd miss driving, but so far I like the T commute even though it's a lot longer. I get to zone out, or get work done if I'm so inclined, and get more outside time (which may not be so much fun come winter). If I have a few extra minutes on my way in, I can replace the last leg of my subway commute with a nice walk through the city and over the harbor.

The main downside is that dropoff is a pain. The other day X insisted on walking to school and then would not budge, no matter how much I cajoled and threatened and tried to physically pick him up and haul him to daycare (he FINALLY ran, but in the opposite direction). Never underestimate the power of a stubborn toddler. It took us half an hour to walk about 1/3 of a mile. Then I got K on the bus with me to go to camp and the driver missed our stop. We arrived late and wandered around for a while before finding anyone. Two hours after leaving home, I walked into my office. Anyway, camp is only four weeks.

2. Work. I've been supervising junior associates more. I now know how it feels to be the one giving the assignments. Among other things, I have a much better idea of the importance of regular communication and status updates, and why when I was a junior associate, partners would give me the tiniest edits to make on documents when it would have been much easier for them to just fix it themselves. And I understand the value of having someone you can trust to go off and do something correctly and seek appropriate supervision. Also, the junior associates are eager to do things that I find really boring, like anything to do with securities and corporate governance. (You know, the stuff that corporate lawyers do.)

3. Running. For a month or two now I've been waking up early to go running. At first I'd just go for short runs around the neighborhood. Then, mainly due to late nights at work, I'd wake up later and later and my runs would get more and more half-assed. Like, I'd only have 15 minutes before the kids woke up and I would jog halfway around the block and walk the rest and call it a day. Recently I started driving over to a local park where I run a loop around a reservoir surrounded by forest. It adds a little time, but now I actually enjoy waking up early and going for a run.

4. Yoga. I've also been doing a 30 day yoga challenge and loving it. It's only about 15 minutes a day and has been a gentle but effective reintroduction to yoga. After not doing it for a while, it always seems daunting to start up again but it's so worth it. It's the only thing that consistently helps with my chronic wrist problems.

5. Nonprofit. I am now (well, officially as of next week) the president of the local nonprofit whose board I joined a few years ago. Turns out that if there is no money or prestige associated with a position, all you have to do is show up and do stuff and you will be pushed into taking over. I resisted the new commitment at first, but I do care about the organization and enjoy being involved. So I ended up accepting, and was surprised at how quickly I switched over to thinking strategically instead of just working on discrete projects. I think it'll be good.

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Kid update

Haven't had a lot to write about lately. Life continues, more or less the same, summer edition.

X is talking more. Yesterday he told me, "I stepped on a Lego guy." And lo and behold, stuck to the bottom of his foot was a tiny Darth Maul. He has also been making up his own words, which he says to be funny. They all sound like "hubees, poodees, nunees, tugees," or lately "cloak-clok." X likes to say, "Ready set go!" before he does anything. He insists "Hold my hand!" when he's walking with K, but doesn't want to hold my hand unless he's forced to (crossing the street or parking lot). And instead of "I want," he says "I'm," as in "I'm corn. I'm milk. I'm go outside."

X is pretty consistently pooping in the potty. Typically for X, he's doing things the opposite way from how K did them. K peed in the potty when he was a bit older, but had to be repeatedly bribed to poop in the potty. It doesn't occur to X to pee in the potty unless he already happens to be near it with his diaper off. That's okay with me for now. Changing those diapers is easy, and I don't really understand the utility of potty training for kids who are too young to reliably get to and use the potty by themselves. Frankly, diapers are convenient. I don't want to have to stop and try to find an acceptable toileting area when we're out and about.

K started camp. He likes it. The first day he had a scary experience in the pool. According to his version of the story, nobody noticed or helped him when he was going under and choking. I should follow up with the counselors on this. Unfortunately, since he has my genes, the 4-foot pool is deeper for K than for the other kids his age.

Nothing much to report about the grownups, so I guess that's it for now.

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K's first solo trip

I miss K, which is ridiculous since I normally wouldn't see him until later anyway. The grandparents came and took him away for a few days. I feel like a little piece of me is stretched out on a rubberband. Not so much a piece of my heart, more like a piece of my intestine or something that I just assume is always with me without thinking too much about it. Turns out I'm fine with going away from him, but I don't like it when he goes away from me.

I thought I'd be sick of him after last week. I took the week off from work and we hung out together. Tuesday was his last day of kindergarten. (Monday I finally got to have the me-day I didn't get for my birthday. I ate falafel and ice cream and browsed in a bookstore and saw "This is the End.") We spent the rest of the week lounging around the house, running errands, visiting the Museum of Science, playing air hockey and pinball at the local arcade, bowling, and hitting baseballs in the backyard. Over the weekend we went to the playground, swam at Walden Pond, played at the Children's Museum, and made lemon blueberry ice cream. Every day, K danced around and yelled, "Summer vacation!"

Last night, I told K I thought X would miss him most of all. K cried a little and said, "He loves to hug me! We play and wrestle together every day. Give X a big hug for me, okay? I'm really going to miss him!" I thought X would be sad and confused with K gone, but K would be happy to have all the attention to himself (and nobody destroying his stuff). They've really become good friends over the past few months.

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Good luck work day

I am having this amazing day where my work keeps going away. Two-hour conference call? Rescheduled after 15 minutes. Two different high-priority agreements that we've been negotiating for weeks? Everyone decides to accept all the changes and sign. Trio of related agreements that I have to draft more or less from scratch, and have been putting off? Client says the deal isn't going to work out and he doesn't need them anymore. I got a couple of new things, but nothing urgent. YAY.

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Family update

Facebook keeps trying to get me to confirm personal information like where I'm "from" and where I went to high school. It has very plausible guesses and asks me to pick one. (I put "from" in quotes because they've nailed all three of the places I would say that I'm "from," depending on who I'm talking to.) It's creepy, but not at all surprising, that they know so much about me. There is certain information I withhold from Facebook on purpose, not that it matters much since they can figure it out with about 90% accuracy.

K is almost done with kindergarten! He has ten end-of-year thank-you cards to write this weekend, for which I am bribing him with blue Gatorade. (Every time we're at the store, "MOM! Pleeeease! All the boys drink it!" Since when is Gatorade a thing? For kindergarteners?) We went to his "end-of-year celebration" which consisted of an interminable slideshow and K showing off his work for the year. I smiled at Volume 1 of his writing journal, an illustrated report of our daily doings ("We went to Costco," "We visited Grandma"). I was dismayed at Volume 2. The writing was better, but every single page was about video games. ("I got into the biggest castle and defeated the Koopa!" "Today we got a new Megaman game. I am so excited!") EVERY page. Not sure what, if anything, we should do about that.

X continues to be ridiculously adorable and to act basically like a normal 2-year old, which is why I feel like I write more about K here than about X. But I'm more conscious with X that this is the last time we're going to have a toddler around the house. While folding X's laundry, I got an email from a relative with pictures of her son's high school graduation. I looked at the puppy pajamas in my hands (the shirt says "Best Friends") and imagined X, who just stopped saying "bummy" and "pobby" instead of "bunny" and "potty," as a teenager. Then I immediately put back my phone and went back to folding so I didn't have to think about that again.

JW is gearing up for another election day this Tuesday. It seems like they never end around here. It's a domino effect as one politician ascends to a higher seat and then we have a special election for their seat.

K and I made a list of "Spectacular Things To Do This Summer." I was hoping to cross berry picking off the list today, but K vetoed. He voted for the ice cream store instead. We'll see.

We're finally getting to that glorious stage I've heard about from other parents, where the boys will play together and entertain themselves for long stretches. Yesterday they played Legos on the porch for about twenty minutes! I actually sat down and read a book. Growing up isn't all bad.

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MILP Roundup #308

The weekly Mothers In the Legal Profession Roundup is hosted on a rotating basis at the Attorney at Large, Butterflyfish, PT Law Mom, Attorney Work Product, BJJ, Law, and Living, Reluctant Grownup, and Magic Cookie blogs.
 
This edition of the roundup covers the week of June 10-16.

Izzie is weighing her job options.
Alice has thankful children.
Attorney at Large protests pinkwashing at the science museum.
Lag Liv is proud that her husband is back on the entrepreneurial horse... even though it means a lot of sacrifice.
Legally Certifiable takes a call from an irate would-be client.
Kate is trying to figure out what the near future will bring.
Grace has had a lot going on.
Mommy Madness reflects and eats ribs.
Butterflyfish is swimming in produce.
CP is struggling to stay afloat.
Daisy's little Gracie was baptized.
I pulled an all-nighter.
Cowgirl in the City is looking for book suggestions.
The Reluctant Grownup has a three-year old.

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Kid snapshot

X and K have been walking to school holding hands. It is the most adorable thing. And it takes forEVER between K's dawdling and X's constant stopping to examine sticks.

In the Carnival of the Animals, the kids in K's class were all swans.

Words and phrases X shouts out when he's excited:

Easter beagle

Garbage truck

BAX-etball

X also yells the alphabet song and "Twinkle, Twinkle" at the top of his lungs.

When anyone starts a sentence with "Who..." X immediately shouts, "ME!"

If you ask X if he wants something, he will thrust out his hand and demand "FIVE."
X's favorite phrase is "MY turn," which he says instead of "Do it myself."

I feel like we have mostly tamed X's violent nature... mostly. But rarely and unexpectedly, he turns on us. The other day he brought the snake stick up over his head and then whacked it down on K's back as hard as he could. I don't know what to do when I try to discipline him and he laughs. I gave him an extra-long timeout and tried to explain that hitting hurts people and that is not acceptable.

K was lamenting that his light saber hadn't arrived in the mail yet. I told him that once he had his light saber and his mask, he'd be unstoppable. He heaved a sigh and said, "MOM. A light saber and a mask don't make you unstoppable. You need ARMOR to be unstoppable." (I know what we're doing tonight. Cardboard + hole + aluminum foil and markers = armor!)

This morning when I was getting dressed for work in my most basic cold-weather work uniform of cardigan, shell, and pants, K said, "You look great!" He'll often give me unsolicited compliments on my appearance. And X has developed a cute habit of saying I'm beautiful, and I tell him he's beautiful too, and he laughs and says, "NO beautiful. YOU beautiful!"

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All nighter

Yesterday I pulled a real, honest-to-goodness all-nighter. No sleep. I am too old for this shit.

You know what was worse? I sent the contract out at a quarter to five, and ten minutes later the partner responded! And at 6:30 he sent me a list of questions!

But I didn't respond to his questions at 6:30 because when I got home at 6 a.m. I immediately started unpacking backpacks and packing lunches and slicing strawberries and rinsing sippy cups.

Law students, are you listening? This could be your glamorous biglaw life one day. Study hard, kids.

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Monday night

Around 7:30 p.m., when I was eating dinner in my office, a partner knocked on my closed door and then, as partners are wont to do, pushed it open. "I know you're really swamped," he said, "and I don't want to stress you out. Do you have any time?" I shook my head and shrugged apologetically, with a mouth full of tortellini.

And, miracle of miracles, he LEFT.

(But we'll see if he reappears tomorrow.)

Meanwhile, I'm drafting a contract that I would really enjoy if I had more than a day to do it, and in an effort to quell my anxiety, I am on my second dessert. As I am wont to do.

---

While I'm here, here's a weekend recap. The weekend turned out to be unexpectedly beautiful. Saturday was a laundry and grocery shopping day, with lots of playing on the porch. X's new Dora play kitchen, a freecycle find, was a hit. In the evening X noticed a FIRE TRUCK pull up outside our next door neighbor's house. We went out to see, along with several other neighbors and their dogs. It was just a malfunctioning carbon monoxide detector. Everybody was fine and the kids were all excited to see the fire truck and the dogs.

Sunday morning X and I made chocolate chip muffins. I didn't really need to use the stand mixer, but X loves it so much that I did anyway. I discovered after mixing up the dough that the giant bag of chocolate chips only had a few sad chips scattered at the bottom, so I took the kids out for a pajama walk to 7-11 and we took a long detour to the playground. After the muffins were eventually cooked and eaten, K and I delivered the leftovers around the neighborhood.

K set up a booth on the sidewalk: "Psychiatric help, 5 cents. The doctor is in." X had to have a booth too. Some of the neighbor kids came over to play in the driveway. They wanted to sit in the booths and K got mad and went inside. X rode the tricycle, and the scooter, and pushed the toy lawnmower. I chased him down the street to the neighbor's house. They were all still at our house.

K has been begging for months for a light saber to replace the one he got for his fifth birthday that mysteriously disappeared shortly afterwards, never to be seen again. I told him if he did three extra good things, he could get a new one. He enlisted X to help him pick up all the Legos without my asking, went canvassing for Ed Markey with Daddy, and cleaned up his entire room and the playroom. I told him I preferred him doing nice things for other people, but since I didn't entirely think the parameters through at the beginning, I deemed his light saber earned. Target was all out so he got a ninja mask and a promise that we'd order the light saber on Amazon.

Saturday I spent X's entire naptime cutting fabric panels. Sunday night I ironed and hemmed. I'm finally making those curtains that I bought the fabric for months ago. I am DIY-challenged, so this is a big step for me.

And I didn't do any work all weekend. I just couldn't bring myself to do it. So here I am.

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You might be a corporate lawyer if...

There's a store near me with a big sign outside saying "CAMBRIDGE BARK AND LOAM."

No matter how many times I see that sign, at least 60% of my brain remains powerfully convinced that it ought to say "Cambridge Bank and Loan."

(It's like those experiments where they see how fast you can identify the color when it says "yellow" in blue print. It just feels wrong.)

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Things I might tweet if I used Twitter

But I don't because I would only have inane things to tweet. Like:

This morning I went out at 5 a.m. and literally saw a bird with a worm in its beak.

Today is National Donut Day. I was thinking I'd go to our local donut place and buy a donut for each of us for dessert. And then I thought while I was there, I probably wouldn't be able to resist getting a donut to eat for right then too. And then I saw a link at the bottom of the screen to an article called "Four Things You'll Feel Right Before a Heart Attack." (#4: Sticky glaze on your fingers.) So maybe not the best plan.

That would be too long to tweet anyway.
OK, bye.

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Throw pillows

Somehow I have accumulated lots of home decorating blogs on my RSS feed, despite my own home being filled with plastic toys and unadorned Ikea furniture. Talk about aspirational reading.

Every single one of these blogs prominently features throw pillows, with at least half a dozen in every room. I think throw pillows are pretty. I understand how you can change up the decor just by changing a pillow cover. I get how they have a big impact without having to spend much money. But what do you do with all these pillows all over your house? Don't they get in the way when you try to use your furniture? If you have one of those hotel-style beds with ten pillows, do you sleep on a giant mound of them, or toss them aside every night and put them back every morning? I just saw a picture of a beautiful entryway with a little bench... with three throw pillows on it. How do you sit on the bench?

I may be biased against throw pillows because my kids THROW them. The few we have are usually on the floor. Any attempt to put them back on the couch is immediately thwarted. The couch cushions themselves are frequently on the floor. X gets very upset if you try to put them back so you can actually sit on the couch.

Also, while I appreciate the aesthetic qualities of small animal figurines, bowls, books that you have no intention of reading, and other purely decorative items, and the art of "styling" spaces with all these items so they look just right, I can't imagine going out and purposely buying a bunch of stuff I have no use for just because I think it will look pretty on a shelf. If I love it, yes, but that doesn't happen too often.

Not criticizing these blogs, which I enjoy reading, or the people who write them, whose skills I admire. I would love it if somebody came and rejiggered our house to look like the ones on the blogs. I've picked up some tips and inspiration, but clearly it's not all sinking in.

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Things I see on the Internet that annoy me

Peak/peek/pique: You get a "sneak peek" into something that "piques your interest" because it can help you operate at "peak efficiency." For some reason people tend to use "peak" exclusively.

"First world problems": This is so dismissive. We're all happy that we're not living in a slum with inadequate food and healthcare. We're still allowed to be dissatisfied with parts of our lives.

Instructions telling us all how to behave according to our genders: Just stop already.

Also, speaking of things I see on the Internet, I have seen a zillion references to the cute Cheerios commercial with the interracial family and how everyone is outraged over racist comments on YouTube. I think it's great for interracial families, and from a capitalistic point of view for Cheerios, that there's so much vocal support out there. But honestly? Most people who comment on YouTube are terrible, terrible people. I say this based on my experience primarily using YouTube for yoga videos, where I try not to glance at the comments because they go into unnecessary detail about the yoga instructor's figure and its effect on the viewer. If we're going to get outraged over YouTube comments, prepare for constant, massive anger. Anyway, yay interracial families, and while I don't much care for Cheerios, my multiracial children love them so yay Cheerios too.

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Alumni advice

Lately I've been getting involved in the newly revived Harvard Law School women's alumni group. It's a fantastic group of women, both personally and professionally, and the ones who show up at events generally want to connect and network and mentor each other. I've left every event with contact information for at least two women to follow up with, and have met up with many of them. Here are a few pieces of the advice they gave me:

1. Lawyers at big firms are the best to network with because they know about interesting companies and new developments.

2. When evaluating a job, look at the people who have left and find out what they did next.
3. It's more important to be around as your kids get older, especially high school age. Try to be the one who drives them around, since this is when they're likely to talk to you.

4. Try to meet clients in person whenever possible.

5. Large organizations are generally less rational than you would think, and often pretty crazy the closer you get to the top.

Most of the events have been small informal gatherings, but there was one big one at the law school where the Dean spoke. A few of the women who showed up were from the very first HLS classes that admitted women in the 1960s. I loved the book Pinstripes and Pearls, about the first generation of women at HLS, and was surprised that the perspective of the women at the event was different. The book discussed the indignities visited on those women -- including a dean who invited them to his house and asked them why they were taking places away from men, and a professor who held "Ladies' Day," when he would deviate from his practice of never calling on the women by hauling them all up on stage and grilling them on a case (usually related to some "feminine" subject, like the return of an engagement ring). But one woman from the class of (I think) '66 argued that while those accounts were true, the male leadership at the law school also took the women under their wing. The same dean would also invite the women to meet judges and other legal luminaries, and the intrusive questions seemed to her like genuine curiosity.

Meanwhile, the women who graduated in the 1970s, 80s, and early 90s truly hated the place. One after another said they thought they would never set foot in HLS again. I think that while the first few classes of women felt both singled out and protected in a way, since they were such a small group, the subsequent classes got all the indignities and none of the perks.

I'm lucky to have been there during the Elena Kagan era. After hearing the stories, I understood how much she transformed the student experience during her time as Dean. Before I started at HLS, I was apprehensive about having a baby during law school, given the school's reputation for unfriendliness and unhappy students. But the Dean of Students' office congratulated me and gave me a pair of Harvard booties. (And I give money to the school every year, while the women before me are bitter and want nothing to do with the place.)

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The Bridge

Edwin Friedman was a rabbi and family therapist. Here is a story from his book Friedman's Fables: The Bridge.

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Sticks and stones

One of my favorite XKCDs ever.

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In-house

I thought I had already written about this, but I can't find it now.

In the past year or so, I've had a number of interviews for in-house jobs. I thought in-house would be a good move for me because I like being involved on the business side. I like understanding what my clients need and why it's important, and helping them with that context in mind. I'm interested in what my clients are doing and want to know what's going on, what's coming down the pike, and what happens after the deal is signed. I also thought being in-house would allow me to focus more on technology (because I only applied to software companies), to have more control over my schedule, and to work on a variety of matters that I might not now including litigation.

The good news is that I've had no trouble getting the interviews. The bad news is that, with the exception of one company that I was excited about (I ended up being the not-chosen one of two finalists), I haven't wanted the jobs. The hours don't seem to be appreciably less than my part-time law firm hours. They keep telling me that the hours are more predictable, which makes it better. But I'm tired of feeling like I constantly need to check in, and at every one of these jobs that's a given. And these jobs tend to be primarily sales support, which I pretend to be interested in because it seems like an inevitable part of going in-house, but in reality I have to admit to myself I don't really enjoy. I have a client that I do a lot of sales support for, and sometimes I dread getting those calls from salespeople. Salespeople and attorneys are like oil and water. They're nice people, but everything is so squishy that it drives me crazy. Everything is always urgent. And it's the same small handful of contracts over and over. It was fun at first, but after a couple of years it's gotten kind of boring.

Besides, I really like my job other than the schedule. Making a move that is potentially only slightly better doesn't seem worth it. So I keep turning down second and third rounds of interviews for the in-house jobs. I just got a call from this company that I really liked and considered. The people and the culture seemed great. But again, it was mostly sales support and long hours. They wanted to know why I had turned them down. The HR person kept asking, "Did we do something wrong?" I felt like it was a break-up call. I actually said to her, "It's not you, it's me."

I thought that going in-house would be a way to maintain professional satisfaction while trading off some salary for better hours. But it seems like it's less satisfying, significantly less salary, and only slightly better hours.

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Bedtime songs

X gets three songs before bed: Wheels on the Bus, Rainbow Connection (a.k.a. "Weebo Action"), and Our Love Is Here to Stay. He's usually cooperative, but still very energetic during the bedtime songs. Today he did the following while I was singing to him:

1. Started breathing deeply and raising his arms over his head, then back down. I paused and said, "Are you doing yoga?" He agreed and then started cracking up and yelling, "YO-GA! YO-GA!"

2. Turned all the songs into a call and response. "Why are there so many --" (WHY, WHY) "-- songs about rainbows --" (SONGS) "and what's on the other side?" (WHAT INSIDE)

3. Repeatedly asked to see my bra.

4. Started saying over and over what I thought was "yucky nose" until he suddenly leaned forward and gave me a big lick on the nose.

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Mother's Day 2013

My Mother's Day was nice and low-key, with just the right amounts of family togetherness and me-time. My brother and his family were visiting, which gave me an excuse to cook an elaborate breakfast. You know I love elaborate breakfasts. JW got up to help cook. X and I made a cake together and it turned out to be enormous so I brought half to the neighbors.

I got presents: a painted vase from X, a box of super-fancy chocolates from JW (look how pretty! Originally I said I didn't need a present, but I was enticed by these at a school fair the day before and justified buying them by handing the box to JW with instructions to give it to me for Mother's Day), and a book that K made at school.

Here's the text of K's book:

My mom is special because... she loves me.

I love it when my mom... buys me things I like. (With an illustration showing K at a toy store and saying, "Can I get it?" and me replying, "Yes!")

It bugs my mom when... I am impatient. (Check out the angry face I'm making in the picture.)

My mom likes to relax by... taking a nap.

I wish I could buy my mom... a treasure chest.

MOM: Loveable, great, porch, nice. ("Porch?" "Because you like the porch.")

About the author: I like Megaman and of course I love my mom! I am a boy and I have a baby brother.

After breakfast, we took the kids to the annual Make Way for Ducklings parade in Boston. It was a little disappointing this year. Instead of following the route around the city streets that the ducklings take in the book, we just walked around the park. But afterwards, the weather cleared up and the kids had fun chasing each other around. X's duck costume was filthy by the end. K enjoyed wearing his police officer costume and blowing the whistle.

When we got home, I got to relax by... taking a nap. I've been so tired for a while now and have been needing a nap to get through the day. I actually thought I might have mono. I can't remember the last time I woke up in the morning without a raw throat. But I've been feeling a little better each day so I haven't gone to the doctor.

I woke up when X did, and spent some time hanging out with the kids while JW did yardwork. Then I finally got to go to the store, by myself, to return a bunch of clothes that had been sitting by the door for weeks. I picked up pizza for dinner, also by myself. Running errands with no kids, such a luxury!

After some quality family bathroom time (how do I always end up in there with both kids at once?), K and I read a few more chapters of The Case of the Nervous Newsboy (from the McGurk detective series, a gift from my brother and one of my favorites as a kid) and went to bed.

I also had quick phone calls with my own mom and with my stressed-sounding mother-in-law, who spent Mother's Day looking after her mother who recently moved into an assisted living facility. 

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The Road Not Taken

Today I learned that Robert Frost's famous poem "The Road Not Taken" is not really a wistful look down an untrodden path or a pat on the back for taking the road less traveled. Frost actually presents the two roads as more or less the same, and the choice as more or less random. In fact, in the second stanza he admits that the road "less traveled by," once he passes, will actually be "worn... really about the same" as the first path.The final stanza, with its dramatic sigh, pokes fun at people who, looking back, proclaim that their choices were deliberate, ideal, brave, and the Correct Path -- or the opposite, at people who spend their lives lamenting not taking a different path, when they have no idea where they would have ended up.

My favorite Frost story from the literary criticism linked to above is that, when pressed on the "that has made all the difference" line, Frost said, "Of course, it hasn't. It's just a poem, you know."

There's also a great quote on the subject of choice from William James:
"We stand on a mountain pass in the midst of whirling snow and blinding mist, through which we get glimpses now and then of paths which may be deceptive. If we take the wrong road we shall be dashed to pieces. We do not certainly know whether there is any right one. What must we do? 'Be strong and of a good courage.' Act for the best, hope for the best, and take what comes. . . . If death ends all, we cannot meet death better."

Robert Frost, "The Road Not Taken"

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim
Because it was grassy and wanted wear,
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I marked the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I --
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

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MILP roundup #302

It's over at Attorney At Large.. 

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Kitchen

Why being a grown-up sucks, Lesson #47. Here's what happens when you buy a house.

We got a good deal on our house. The total amount of our mortgage frightens me, but it's a reasonable monthly payment to live in a nice neighborhood in a house that mostly works well for us. Except the kitchen.

The kitchen is difficult, to say the least. The sink is in a separate room. The plumbing is old. There's no room for a dishwasher and we don't think the plumbing could handle it anyway. Since the sink is so far away from the stove, every day we carry a pot of boiling water twelve feet while praying we won't trip over an errant toy or, the big fear, an errant toddler. There's a large chimney sticking out into the middle of the room, leaving only one possible location for the fridge, so that when the fridge is open it blocks the doorway. There is exactly one cabinet and no prep space. There's a huge radiator taking up a wall. There's a staircase in the corner and we had to block it with a portable kitchen island because X was climbing up the stairs and on to the stove. I could go on, but you get the picture.

We've been living in the house for two years now. We've made it work. It's not like we literally can't use the kitchen. We just don't like it and it's not the safest for the kids.

We're considering a renovation this summer. Unfortunately, it looks like it's going to be massively expensive and there's no way around that, since so much of the expense is due to plumbing and structural issues. JW is all for it and has been pushing for this for a while because it'll be safer and more functional, will increase the value of (and our enjoyment of) the house, and makes sense to do now while interest rates are so low. I was on board when I thought we could pay for it out of our savings, but I hate the idea of going into debt for home renovations. I hate debt in general. Also spending lots of money. I like the money sitting safely in our bank account and reassuring me that if the roof collapses or one of us needs emergency surgery, we don't have to worry about paying for it.

In other kitchen-related news, X made his own play kitchen. This kid loves to cook. He has also developed a passion for the salad spinner, which has been showing up in unexpected places in the house over the past few days.

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Tortillas and misery

I have four things to report today, which is a lot considering I only left the house to walk K to school.

1. I think I have the flu. That's the "misery" part.

2. I made CP's flour tortillas for dinner. They were easy and convenient to make, but to be honest, I didn't think they were that much better than storebought. But K not only loved them, he actually put beans AND vegetables AND cheese AND salsa on one and rolled it up and ate it like a normal person! This is a breakthrough for a kid that keeps everything separate and refuses to eat anything that has a texture. So I'll definitely make them again. I wonder what they would be like using broth instead of water.

3. I asked JW what he would think if I applied for a state government job at about a third of my law firm salary. He said I should go for it. I was surprised at his enthusiasm, considering the giant paycut. He replied, "Why not? Your job is terrible." "My job is terrible? I thought my job was great, except for that one thing." "They never give you a moment's peace!" "That's the one thing."

4. On the same topic, here are some wise words from Kareem Abdul-Jabbar:

"The better you are at your job, the more you’re rewarded, financially and spiritually, by doing it. You know how to solve problems for which you receive praise and money. Home life is more chaotic. Solving problems is less prescriptive and no one’s applauding or throwing money if you do it right. That’s why so many young professionals spend more time at work with the excuse, “I’m sacrificing for my family.” Bullshit. Learn to embrace the chaos of family life and enjoy the small victories."

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Nutmeg muffins and yogurt panna cotta

Lately we've been having friends over for brunch.

Last time we had:
- Roasted asparagus, potatoes, and mushrooms
- Biscuits- Maple oatmeal scones (from the Flour cookbook)

This time we had:
- Yogurt panna cotta
- Nutmeg muffins (from Marion Cunningham's Breakfast Book)
- Home fries
- Swiss chard phyllo tart (from the Silver Palate cookbook)

And all our brunches lately have featured:
- Cut fresh fruit
- Salad (If they ask what to bring, I always say salad because I hate making them and I think they're a great addition to brunch -- they're a good counterpoint to the starchy stuff, and even if somebody doesn't like most of the food, anything + salad can be a meal)
- Lots of bacon

My basic formula, besides the fruit, salad, and bacon, is: something savory and starchy; something sweet; and something with vegetables. This time I was curious about the yogurt panna cotta recipe I saw on Smitten Kitchen, so I threw that in. It was easy, but it tasted exactly like the sum of its parts -- a somewhat thicker, sweeter, creamier version of plain Greek yogurt. If I had bought vanilla yogurt from the store and drained it, it would have been similar. The nutmeg muffins, though! JW complained about how expensive the whole nutmegs were and scoffed when I sat there grating and grating them. But they tasted just like what cake donuts should taste like. I've read several blog posts about these and they lived up to the hype.

We'll have to figure out who else we can invite for brunch...

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Fever

Last Thursday at 4:45, minutes before JW picked X up from daycare, the daycare teachers took his temperature. They informed JW when he arrived that X had a temperature of 100.4, which meant he couldn't return to daycare the next day. We scrambled for backup care and JW grumbled, like he usually does, that several times a day they crank up the heat and make them jump up and down and then take their temperature and send them home. Lately we haven't been able to piece our work schedules together like we usually do, and as a result we have paid approximately $400 for emergency backup care for X in the past few weeks, not to mention the hospital bills.

Yesterday when I went to pick up X they told me, "We took his temperature 10 minutes ago and it was 99." "That's normal," I said. They looked concerned and said, "I don't know... he seems tired." Yeah, he's tired. He's 2 and it's the end of a long day for him. Why are they taking his temperature ten minutes before pickup time anyway?

X has been in his new class for three days and to our knowledge, they have taken his temperature at least once at the end of every day. If this happens again when he's healthy, we're going to need to have a talk.

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Morning person

I've always been a morning person. I'm energetic in the morning. On weekdays, I usually get up at 5:30 to sneak in a workout and pack lunches before the kids get up. On weekend mornings, I'm on a mission to clean up and get the laundry in while baking muffins and playing with the kids. Evenings are the opposite. I feel drained and useless. I know I'd be better off preparing for the next day after I put the kids to bed, but I just cannot do it without feeling like it's a huge, tiring undertaking. Even things I enjoy, like catching up with friends on the phone or practicing with my drawing book, require a major effort and feel a little like chores.

My ideal schedule would be to sleep from 10 to 6. I can easily fall asleep as early as 8 p.m., but wake me up after 2 a.m. and I'm done for the night. If I'm stressing about something, I jolt awake at 4. (In fact, I did most of my bar studying between 3 and 6 a.m.) JW is the opposite. He stays up late and hates to wake up early. If he goes to bed early, he lies there staring at the ceiling for hours. But because of the way both of our jobs work, our work schedules are the opposite of our natural inclinations -- he does the early shift and leaves to pick up the kids, I do drop-off, arrive late, and leave on the later side.

Lying there staring at the ceiling was what I was doing in the wee hours of this morning. K came into our room around 2:30. I was only vaguely awake when I heard him whispering to JW, but after he left I couldn't get back to sleep. Around 4 I was finally starting to drift off when JW's phone lit up with a text. The sudden change in the room's light made my eyes pop open. I had already arranged with JW that we'd swap schedules for the day and I'd go to work early while he dropped off the kids. So I decided to get up and go to work.

I arrived at work around 5. I knocked out all the documents for a venture financing I'd been working on. The week before, I had been so busy during the day with phone calls and meetings that I wasn't able to get to it until night. I spent hours staring at these documents, trying to figure out how everything fit together while struggling to keep my eyes open. This morning it all seemed so simple and quick. I also got to see a beautiful sunrise over Boston Harbor from my window and had a surprisingly delicious omelet from the cafeteria. Usually on Monday mornings I have trouble getting started. After a whole weekend with the kids, capped off by getting them reluctantly dressed and back to the school routine, my impulse when I get to work is usually to breathe a sigh of relief and feel like it's time to relax. But at 5 a.m., I'm certainly not going to hang out and relax in my office. I'm ready to get things done. I should do this every week. (Maybe without the lying in bed for hours first.)

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MILP Roundup #301

The weekly Mothers In the Legal Profession Roundup is hosted on a rotating basis at the Attorney at Large, Butterflyfish, PT Law Mom, Attorney Work Product, BJJ, Law, and Living, Reluctant Grownup, and Magic Cookie blogs.

This roundup covers the week of April 22-28. 301 weeks, by the way, is approximately 5.8 years... some of us have been around here for a long time!

The theme for this week is "we've all been there."

Alice is dealing with lack of sleep, sick kids, and social isolation as her baby hits the three-month mark... but the sweet moments are getting her through.
CP put lots of effort into an elaborate dinner, and received a shrug and a grunt in return.
But I Do badly needed a glass of wine and a break from the kids, but found that getting outside magically reset everyone's mood.
Lag Liv has a professional triumph, and is glad she's both a lawyer and a mom.
I have several awkward conversations with my six-year old about grown-up words.

And in other MILP news...

PT-LawMom is dealing with being estranged from her parents.
Proto Attorney gets steampunked up.
Attorney at Large recounts a day with Pea, including all the not-homeschooling they do.
Izzie has a one-year old!
Grace discovers the question that reveals the essence of a person.
Kate learns from a community of nuns.
Daisy remembers the scent of Chanel No. 5.

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Difficult conversations

K: Mommy, what does sexy mean?

Me: Uh... it means... uh... maybe you could ask Daddy?

K: Just tell me. What does it mean?

Me: It sort of means... pretty, but in a weird grown-up way.

K (running around playing superhero): Hey, I want to have sex with you!

Me: K, why are you talking about sex? Do you know what it is?

K: In the Mega Man comic, "The Seven Deadly Mega Mans," Cut Man wants to fight with Mega Man, and Mega Man is listening to a song like this [dancing], and then he turns around with hearts in his eyes and Cut Man runs away, and Mega Man says, "Hey, where are you going? I just want to have sex with you!"

Me: That's... really weird. Stop talking about sex and being sexy, ok? Sex is something grown-ups do when they want to make babies. It's not a kid thing.

K: OH!

Me (on the way home): K, you know something bad happened in Boston while we were gone, right?

K: Yes, I saw it on the news. [Thanks, grandparents, for watching news about a bombing with a 6-year old around.]

Me: Bombs were set off at the marathon. Yesterday the police caught the bombers and put them in jail. They caught them in our town, so people at school might be talking about it on Monday. In fact, on Friday everyone had to stay inside all day. The police were chasing the bombers in the street, so they told everyone to stay safe inside their houses.
K: Yeah.

Me: How do you feel about all that?

K: It makes me feel like jumping out the window.

Me: Jumping out the window?

K: Jumping out the window so I can fight crime!

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MILP Roundup #300!

MILP Roundup #300 is up at the Reluctant Grownup.

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Worst. Vacation. Ever.

I wrote about this in brief, but here is the excessively long version. When we took X to the hospital, JW reviewed my blog archives to get the details about the boys' previous ER visits, so here's another entry for the medical records slash baby book slash journal.

Tuesday: X was sent home with diarrhea.

Wednesday and Thursday: X stayed home. We called a nanny service, which was a lifesaver. On Thursday X seemed back to his normal happy self.

Friday: I could tell when X woke up that something was wrong. He was fussy and refused his breakfast. Being the greatest mom in the world, I took him to daycare anyway and crossed my fingers that he'd make it through the morning because I had several meetings scheduled. He didn't make it an hour. I was in the middle of a phone interview for an in-house job when my cell phone started buzzing with a call from daycare. I barely heard another word the interviewer said and mispronounced the name of the company at the end. To paraphrase Young MC, that's one more job I won't be gittin'. I picked up X and JW came home and spent most of the day with him. X seemed cranky and had a slight fever, but was otherwise OK. At night he woke up coughing. I called my physician brother, who prescribed a steroid that he said would fix the coughing.

Saturday: K went to a birthday party at an indoor place full of giant inflatable structures. So much yelling and racing around. It reminded me why we will never have another party at home. X continued with his fever and coughing. We decided to drive to NY anyway as planned, en route to our family vacation in DC, because if X was going to be miserable he might as well be miserable on vacation. But we still thought it was just an ordinary bug until we saw how bad he got that night. Between 3 and 6 a.m., I held X and walked continuously around the room while he alternately dozed on my shoulder and coughed himself awake.

Sunday: X's coughing and breathing continued to worsen throughout the day. My sister-in-law suggested that we get a nebulizer, a machine that delivers inhaled breathing treatments. We had been using a spacer (basically an inhaler), but she said this would be more effective. It helped, but not enough. In the evening my brother and JW brought X to the ER where my brother works. I wasn't feeling well myself and was worn out from being up all night, so I stayed home and got some sleep. While in the ER, X got an IV magnesium treatment and was started on a course of steroids. Around 2:30 a.m., my brother texted saying that X had been admitted.

Monday: When I arrived at the hospital in the morning, X was limp in JW's arms. He spent the day sleeping and wheezing for breath while receiving breathing treatments every two hours. By the end of the day he could remain conscious for longer, but still wasn't breathing well. The doctors explained that he had "reactive airway disease" that is triggered by infection. His airways had constricted and were filled with mucus. They explained the warning signs and told us that in the future, if we notice any coughing or even if he just gets sick and doesn't appear to have breathing issues, we should start him on the nebulizer to avoid problems. We asked if this was asthma and they said that asthma has to be diagnosed over multiple occurrences, so technically it's not asthma (but to me it seems like it's basically the same). The doctors also told us they were running a virus panel to see if he had the flu, but didn't have the results yet. While in the hospital, we heard news of the Boston marathon bombing and fielded many emails and calls from friends asking if we were okay. We told some people we were out of town and others that we were not in Boston, but not okay.

Tuesday: X was significantly better, but still needed the treatments every two hours. We talked to my brother, who pushed our doctors for more aggressive treatment since X was recovering so slowly. They added racemic epinephrine and Atravent, both additional inhaled treatments to clear the airways. X improved a lot with the additional treatments, but it was clear we weren't getting out yet. X discovered Thomas the Tank Engine and spent a lot of time watching Thomas videos during his treatments, when he had to sit quietly. He slept a lot and only stayed awake for an hour or two at a time.

Wednesday: Virus panel finally came back. X had the flu and rhinoenterovirus. The doctors thought the combination of viruses might explain the severity of the attack and X's difficulty recovering. Because X had the flu, he had to remain confined in the hospital room and also started taking Tamiflu. My brother convinced them to give X several back-to-back treatments since he still needed the treatment every two hours. He improved significantly and by the end of the day we were able to push the treatments farther apart. At home, Grandma came to visit and spend some time with K.

Thursday: X was much better! He managed to stretch his treatments to four hours apart, which meant they would let us go and continue the treatments with the nebulizer at home. Since he was so much improved, he got really punchy from being confined, and by the end of the day was picking up everything he could and hurling it across the room. He also got several timeouts for hitting and biting. (But that was nothing compared to how many timeouts Elmo got for biting X. X kept sending "Elmo timeout seat!" every few minutes.) By 5 p.m., the paperwork was finally done and we were on our way home. X was fascinated by the fish and the gift shop in the lobby, and had to be dragged out to the parking garage and into the car. We set our alarms to continue giving X treatments every four hours around the clock. K was excited to have us home for more than a few hours -- we had been coming home to put him to bed, and once I came home and took him out to lunch, but mostly we'd both been at the hospital or sleeping. I told him I was sorry his vacation didn't work out, and he said he was disappointed we didn't get to go to DC, but he had enjoyed his time at my parents' house and maybe we could go to DC another time. I had been really cranky and tired before that but I just gave him the biggest hug.

Friday: X and I hung around at my parents' house while JW and K went to have a boys' day out in NYC. We were happy K got to do something special after hanging around all week. Luckily my niece was also home for most of the week so they could play together. (Unluckily, my sister-in-law caught the flu from X.) K and his cousin, among other things, opened a store. Their store sold notes. The notes said "A swift kick in the butt," or "A quick punch in the butt," or just "Butt." There were a few that said "Boo" to appease the disapproving grownups. The store was called, of course, "Butt Notes," and was located on the top bunk. When I went in K's room at night, there was a sign saying, "The store is closed."  But anyway, that day there were no butt notes. They went to the top of the Empire State building, ate lunch out, and visited the Nintendo store, the Lego store, and FAO Schwarz where K bought a Lego set. Meanwhile, X and I spent literally an hour at the end of the driveway watching trucks cart away logs across the street, left over from last fall's hurricane. After sleeping on top of me all week, X was not happy about going back to the Pack and Play. At night after the kids went to bed, we tuned in to the news again to check on the manhunt back home for the bombers. It was surreal to see our suburban neighborhood on national news. Look, there's Ed, our town's police chief. Look, there's the hardware store. Our house was in the perimeter where the police were searching and a neighbor emailed me a picture of the SWAT team in our backyard.

Saturday: X continued to improve. We took the boys to a baby shower for a childhood friend, stopped by Nonna's house in the Bronx (possibly for the last time, since she's planning to move out to an assisted living facility), and arrived home at night. We could tell the police had been in our garage, since a few things had been moved around, and the street a few blocks away where the second bomber was caught was blocked off with traffic cones. Otherwise things seemed normal.

Sunday: So, so, so happy to be home. X was well enough that we backed off the treatments, and had dinner at a friend's house who has kids almost the same age as ours.

Monday: So not happy to be back at work after our decidedly unrelaxing week. My parents came to town to help out for a day or two. K now says he is sick. I think X can be done with the breathing treatments after today and can return to school tomorrow.

It's officially spring, so can we please, please be done with all of the illnesses? This winter has been brutal. At least there shouldn't be any more snowstorms.

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Lean In: Chapter 10, Let's Start Talking About It, and Chapter 11, Working Together Toward Equality

Home stretch! The last two chapters wrap up the ideas presented in the rest of the book and conclude with a call to action, saying men and women must work together to achieve equality for everyone.

Chapter 10: Let's Start Talking About It

Most people would agree that gender bias exists... in others. We, however, would never be swayed by such superficial and unenlightened opinions. Except we are. Our preconceived notions about masculinity and femininity influence how we interact with and evaluate colleagues in the workplace.

Let's face it, we are constantly confronted with gender issues in the workplace and everywhere else, as much as we like to pretend that everything is fair and equal. And we ALL, men and women, have these gender roles firmly internalized, as much as we want to believe that men and women are 100% equal. So, as awkward as it is, we need to discuss these issues openly in order to deal with them. The more women try to fit in and not call attention to their gender, the more things stay the same.

Moreover, the more we all try to pretend we're not biased, the less conscious we are of behaviors that promote inequality. Endless studies support this statement, including one similar to the Heidi/Howard study where both men and women subjects not only favored the male candidate to the female one when the two had identical resumes, but actually shifted the hiring criteria in favor of the male applicant and away from the female one. For instance, if the resume showed a strong educational background, respondents said it was a critical hiring criterion when the applicant was a man, but that it wasn't important when the applicant was a woman.

In another study, men with SAHM wives viewed the presence of women in the workplace less favorably then men with wives who worked, and were less likely to promote women -- even though these men undoubtedly don't think of themselves as being biased, and are more likely to engage in "benevolent sexism," including saying that women are superior to men in areas like moral reasoning ("which makes them better equipped to raise children -- and perhaps less equipped to succeed in business").

Recent changes at Harvard Business School demonstrate the power of being conscious of bias. The new dean of HBS set out to close the performance gap between American men, on one hand, and women and international students, on the other hand. By making relatively minor changes, including redefining "leadership" as "making others better as a result of your presence and making sure that impact lasts in your absence," assigning projects for predetermined small groups, and adding a year-long field course, the performance gap virtually disappeared in only two years. All students, including American men, reported higher levels of satisfaction.

Sandberg discusses her famous TED talk. Colleagues cautioned her not to talk about gender issues publicly lest she get pigeonholed. But the response from both women and men was so strong and so positive that she knew she was on the right track. She heard from leaders who made small changes to their behaviors to make their organizations more gender-neutral, like the professor of medicine who started calling on male and female students evenly instead of waiting for raised hands, or the executive who points out in meetings when men interrupt women or take credit for their ideas. Sandberg realizes that she's in a position of power and that it's difficult for more junior women -- and especially for men at any level -- to raise gender issues, so she embraces making this "her thing."

Chapter 11: Working Together Toward Equality

Today, despite all the gains we have made, neither men or women have real choice. Until women have supportive employers and colleagues as well as partners who share family responsibilities, they don't have real choice. And until men are fully respected for contributing inside the home, they don't have real choice either.

We all have to work together to obtain true equality. Men and women need to support each other so that they can be equals both at work and at home. And women need to ditch the mommy wars and support each other, although we shouldn't expect support from every individual woman in our lives. As more women come into power, the actions of any individual woman won't be seen as representing all of womankind, because it will be clear that these are all just people. Instead of "women CEOs," they will just be CEOs. Instead of a "woman president," she will just be the president. Sandberg says it's time. We can achieve this in our generation if we all work together and lean in.

The very last page encourages readers to join the Lean In online community and to form "Lean In Circles," small groups that support each other in leaning in.

That's all, folks! What did you think?

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Lean In: Chapter 9, The Myth of Doing It All

Chapter 9: The Myth of Doing It All

The right question is not "Can I do it all?" but "Can I do what's most important for me and my family?" 

If I had to embrace a definition of success, it would be that success is making the best choices we can... and accepting them.

Having it all is a myth. We all make tradeoffs. But women struggle with the perception, both internal and external, that we need to devote our full attention both to work and to raising their children. We have to accept that parenting is demanding and chaotic, and do whatever we can manage without guilt. We also need to be open about this despite "the fear of appearing to be putting our families above our careers." Trying to hide the demands and chaos will just make us crazy. Sandberg gives several examples of this -- scheduling her own meetings outside the office so nobody would realize she was only working 9-5:30, sitting through an extended dinner with a colleague who was clearly becoming more and more uncomfortable until she finally admitted she needed to leave to nurse her newborn -- but she really doesn't need to because we've all been there. While these examples are about parenting, she emphasizes that these issues affect everyone, whether single or married, parents or not.

While I have come to many of the same conclusions during my career mini-crisis over the past year, I think "sharing your truth" in this way is one of the most difficult recommendations she makes. There's only so much embracing the chaos that I can do before it all seems impossible. Take my current situation, for example. Two weeks ago, I billed 45 hours, including 11 on my birthday, while dealing with a sick child who was home for three days, despite working "part time" and having requested Friday as a vacation day far in advance. I cleared the decks so I could take a vacation the following week and instead ended up in the hospital with my kid. He still needs around-the-clock care for at least a few more days, and I have a pile of emails and requests to get through on Monday. Yeah, I guess we can cobble something together like we always do. And sure, I strive for serenity about these things. And I've been open with everyone about my vacation, sick kid, etc., and have clearly told people what I can and cannot do. But they keep asking and demanding. At some point, actually at many points, I think, how can this possibly be worth it?

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Lockdown

It's been a surreal week. In case you've been wondering why I have completely ignored the dramatic events in my hometown this week in favor of an in-depth examination of "Lean In," it's because we were supposed to have a family vacation this week in Washington, DC. I scheduled all those posts in advance because I wasn't planning to be in front of a computer. Instead, we made it halfway to DC when X's breathing got so bad we had to take him to the ER. On Monday, he was gasping for air and struggling to stay awake when we heard the news about the Boston marathon bombing. And last night, we had finally brought him home to my parents' house in New York and thought things would start returning to normal when we received a text at 2:30 a.m. from the town police department, informing us that our town was on lockdown. Throughout the day we kept hearing neighbors' reports of gunfire in the streets and seeing maps showing a manhunt through our neighborhood and shots fired on the corner where we used to live. After putting X to bed, I turned on the TV and was proud to see my neighbors cheering police officers in the streets. Seems very odd to be away from home during this intense time in my community.

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Lean In: Chapter 8, Make Your Partner a Real Partner

Chapter 8: Make Your Partner a Real Partner

I was prepared to do some eye-rolling for this chapter. Instead this was the chapter I most strongly agreed with and appreciated in the book. I only wish the title weren't so woman-centric, because the message here is really aimed at men.

This chapter starts out by pointing out discrepancies in hours spent on childcare and household management by men and women, and suggests they should be equal. She argues that women are not more naturally inclined to do this kind of nurturing, and even if we are men can learn to do it just as well. She points out that women need to remember this and not act a "maternal gatekeepers."

Then comes the meaty part: "Unfortunately, traditional gender roles are reinforced not just by individuals, but also by employment policies.... We judge men primarily by their professional success and send them a clear message that personal achievements ate insufficient for them to be valued or feel fulfilled." Men are discouraged, subtly or overtly, from taking any leave of absence to care for babies and from taking advantage of flex-time policies. Stay-at-home dads are ridiculed and feel isolated. We need to overcome these gendered expectations one family at a time by making equal partnerships the norm, where both partners are truly seen as, and believe themselves to be, equally capable and committed to both family and work.

I love this because I think this is the only solution to the "work-life balance" struggle. (A term Sandberg doesn't like, by the way; she says, when you put it that way, who would choose work?) It wouldn't be such a struggle if the workplace had more family-friendly policies. And that will never happen until the people in power face the same issues. That means women AND men need to see themselves as both primary caregivers and dedicated professionals. Otherwise, we continue the traditional pattern of designing a workplace for people who see work as their number one priority and have a backup person who will make the home their number one priority.

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Lean In: Chapter 7, Don't Leave Before You Leave

Chapter 7: Don't Leave Before You Leave

This chapter isn't actually split into two parts, but has two discrete messages.

Part 1: Don't opt out before you need to

Sandberg starts this chapter with her famous story about the woman who was thinking of pulling back at work for the sake of her future kids, when she didn't even have a boyfriend.  She backs up this idea of "leaving before you leave" with persuasive evidence that from a young age, both boys and girls learn that women will have a difficult time balancing work with family, while men can expect to focus on work and have a partner who supports them.  As a result, many women limit their careers before they need to, and end up with less satisfying jobs. By the time they do need to pull back temporarily, they are more likely to opt out of their unfulfilling job altogether. So women should lean in before they have kids, so they have more of a choice when the time comes.

However, she does not recommend that every woman lean in all the time. Her example is that she says she turned down the CEO position at LinkedIn because she was trying to get pregnant with kid #2. She doesn't say whether she regretted it, but says Facebook came along when the timing was better and it turned out fine, even though her daughter was only 7 months old and it was really hard for the first 6 months or so. I'm not sure what we should take away from this story.

To help women avoid leaving before they leave, Sandberg says companies should talk openly with employees about their reproductive plans, including during the job interview process. This gets a big fat no from me. If it's done in a very sensitive way by the right person, maybe -- but as a policy, forget it. This requires a major change in the workplace before it's a viable option. And if that change occurred, women wouldn't have to be afraid of reconciling their reproductive plans with work, so it wouldn't be an issue.

Part 2: Both men and women need to be equally likely to be the primary caregiver

When a couple announces that they are having a baby, everyone says "Congratulations!" to the man and "Congratulations! What are you planning on doing about work?" to the woman.

The second half of the chapter discusses the assumption that women will be the primary caregivers for children. She has some sobering but unsurprising statistics here. Women whose husbands work 50+ hours per week are 44% more likely to quit their jobs and care for children than women whose husbands work less. I've seen this repeatedly at the firm, where the intelligent and accomplished wives of my male colleagues drop out of the workforce like flies. Surveys of Harvard Business School and Yale alumni reveal that 90+% of male graduates are continuously employed full-time, while female graduates' full-time participation in the workforce drops to about 50-60% two decades out. Out of male college students who anticipate work-life balance issues, 46% expect their spouse to drop out of the workforce to raise their children. Only 5% of women expect the same. Sandberg argues that "[t]his exodus of highly educated women is a major contributor to the leadership gap."

Sandberg has a great analogy here. A career is like a marathon. As the men run along, people shout words of encouragement. As the women run along, people shout, "You don't have to do this!" or even, "Why are you running when you should be home taking care of your kids?"

She goes on to say why staying in the workforce is a good idea -- satisfaction, potential earnings, ability to have greater satisfaction and more flexible schedules as you grow more senior, difficulty of rejoining the workforce after a break.

Finally, she points out that "[i]f we make it too easy for women to drop out of the career marathon, we also make it too hard for men." Both men and women should be able to make the same choices, and have them be equally valid choices, when it comes to careers and personal lives.

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