Lean In: Chapter 9, The Myth of Doing It All

Chapter 9: The Myth of Doing It All

The right question is not "Can I do it all?" but "Can I do what's most important for me and my family?" 

If I had to embrace a definition of success, it would be that success is making the best choices we can... and accepting them.

Having it all is a myth. We all make tradeoffs. But women struggle with the perception, both internal and external, that we need to devote our full attention both to work and to raising their children. We have to accept that parenting is demanding and chaotic, and do whatever we can manage without guilt. We also need to be open about this despite "the fear of appearing to be putting our families above our careers." Trying to hide the demands and chaos will just make us crazy. Sandberg gives several examples of this -- scheduling her own meetings outside the office so nobody would realize she was only working 9-5:30, sitting through an extended dinner with a colleague who was clearly becoming more and more uncomfortable until she finally admitted she needed to leave to nurse her newborn -- but she really doesn't need to because we've all been there. While these examples are about parenting, she emphasizes that these issues affect everyone, whether single or married, parents or not.

While I have come to many of the same conclusions during my career mini-crisis over the past year, I think "sharing your truth" in this way is one of the most difficult recommendations she makes. There's only so much embracing the chaos that I can do before it all seems impossible. Take my current situation, for example. Two weeks ago, I billed 45 hours, including 11 on my birthday, while dealing with a sick child who was home for three days, despite working "part time" and having requested Friday as a vacation day far in advance. I cleared the decks so I could take a vacation the following week and instead ended up in the hospital with my kid. He still needs around-the-clock care for at least a few more days, and I have a pile of emails and requests to get through on Monday. Yeah, I guess we can cobble something together like we always do. And sure, I strive for serenity about these things. And I've been open with everyone about my vacation, sick kid, etc., and have clearly told people what I can and cannot do. But they keep asking and demanding. At some point, actually at many points, I think, how can this possibly be worth it?