Fever

Last Thursday at 4:45, minutes before JW picked X up from daycare, the daycare teachers took his temperature. They informed JW when he arrived that X had a temperature of 100.4, which meant he couldn't return to daycare the next day. We scrambled for backup care and JW grumbled, like he usually does, that several times a day they crank up the heat and make them jump up and down and then take their temperature and send them home. Lately we haven't been able to piece our work schedules together like we usually do, and as a result we have paid approximately $400 for emergency backup care for X in the past few weeks, not to mention the hospital bills.

Yesterday when I went to pick up X they told me, "We took his temperature 10 minutes ago and it was 99." "That's normal," I said. They looked concerned and said, "I don't know... he seems tired." Yeah, he's tired. He's 2 and it's the end of a long day for him. Why are they taking his temperature ten minutes before pickup time anyway?

X has been in his new class for three days and to our knowledge, they have taken his temperature at least once at the end of every day. If this happens again when he's healthy, we're going to need to have a talk.

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Morning person

I've always been a morning person. I'm energetic in the morning. On weekdays, I usually get up at 5:30 to sneak in a workout and pack lunches before the kids get up. On weekend mornings, I'm on a mission to clean up and get the laundry in while baking muffins and playing with the kids. Evenings are the opposite. I feel drained and useless. I know I'd be better off preparing for the next day after I put the kids to bed, but I just cannot do it without feeling like it's a huge, tiring undertaking. Even things I enjoy, like catching up with friends on the phone or practicing with my drawing book, require a major effort and feel a little like chores.

My ideal schedule would be to sleep from 10 to 6. I can easily fall asleep as early as 8 p.m., but wake me up after 2 a.m. and I'm done for the night. If I'm stressing about something, I jolt awake at 4. (In fact, I did most of my bar studying between 3 and 6 a.m.) JW is the opposite. He stays up late and hates to wake up early. If he goes to bed early, he lies there staring at the ceiling for hours. But because of the way both of our jobs work, our work schedules are the opposite of our natural inclinations -- he does the early shift and leaves to pick up the kids, I do drop-off, arrive late, and leave on the later side.

Lying there staring at the ceiling was what I was doing in the wee hours of this morning. K came into our room around 2:30. I was only vaguely awake when I heard him whispering to JW, but after he left I couldn't get back to sleep. Around 4 I was finally starting to drift off when JW's phone lit up with a text. The sudden change in the room's light made my eyes pop open. I had already arranged with JW that we'd swap schedules for the day and I'd go to work early while he dropped off the kids. So I decided to get up and go to work.

I arrived at work around 5. I knocked out all the documents for a venture financing I'd been working on. The week before, I had been so busy during the day with phone calls and meetings that I wasn't able to get to it until night. I spent hours staring at these documents, trying to figure out how everything fit together while struggling to keep my eyes open. This morning it all seemed so simple and quick. I also got to see a beautiful sunrise over Boston Harbor from my window and had a surprisingly delicious omelet from the cafeteria. Usually on Monday mornings I have trouble getting started. After a whole weekend with the kids, capped off by getting them reluctantly dressed and back to the school routine, my impulse when I get to work is usually to breathe a sigh of relief and feel like it's time to relax. But at 5 a.m., I'm certainly not going to hang out and relax in my office. I'm ready to get things done. I should do this every week. (Maybe without the lying in bed for hours first.)

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MILP Roundup #301

The weekly Mothers In the Legal Profession Roundup is hosted on a rotating basis at the Attorney at Large, Butterflyfish, PT Law Mom, Attorney Work Product, BJJ, Law, and Living, Reluctant Grownup, and Magic Cookie blogs.

This roundup covers the week of April 22-28. 301 weeks, by the way, is approximately 5.8 years... some of us have been around here for a long time!

The theme for this week is "we've all been there."

Alice is dealing with lack of sleep, sick kids, and social isolation as her baby hits the three-month mark... but the sweet moments are getting her through.
CP put lots of effort into an elaborate dinner, and received a shrug and a grunt in return.
But I Do badly needed a glass of wine and a break from the kids, but found that getting outside magically reset everyone's mood.
Lag Liv has a professional triumph, and is glad she's both a lawyer and a mom.
I have several awkward conversations with my six-year old about grown-up words.

And in other MILP news...

PT-LawMom is dealing with being estranged from her parents.
Proto Attorney gets steampunked up.
Attorney at Large recounts a day with Pea, including all the not-homeschooling they do.
Izzie has a one-year old!
Grace discovers the question that reveals the essence of a person.
Kate learns from a community of nuns.
Daisy remembers the scent of Chanel No. 5.

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Difficult conversations

K: Mommy, what does sexy mean?

Me: Uh... it means... uh... maybe you could ask Daddy?

K: Just tell me. What does it mean?

Me: It sort of means... pretty, but in a weird grown-up way.

K (running around playing superhero): Hey, I want to have sex with you!

Me: K, why are you talking about sex? Do you know what it is?

K: In the Mega Man comic, "The Seven Deadly Mega Mans," Cut Man wants to fight with Mega Man, and Mega Man is listening to a song like this [dancing], and then he turns around with hearts in his eyes and Cut Man runs away, and Mega Man says, "Hey, where are you going? I just want to have sex with you!"

Me: That's... really weird. Stop talking about sex and being sexy, ok? Sex is something grown-ups do when they want to make babies. It's not a kid thing.

K: OH!

Me (on the way home): K, you know something bad happened in Boston while we were gone, right?

K: Yes, I saw it on the news. [Thanks, grandparents, for watching news about a bombing with a 6-year old around.]

Me: Bombs were set off at the marathon. Yesterday the police caught the bombers and put them in jail. They caught them in our town, so people at school might be talking about it on Monday. In fact, on Friday everyone had to stay inside all day. The police were chasing the bombers in the street, so they told everyone to stay safe inside their houses.
K: Yeah.

Me: How do you feel about all that?

K: It makes me feel like jumping out the window.

Me: Jumping out the window?

K: Jumping out the window so I can fight crime!

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MILP Roundup #300!

MILP Roundup #300 is up at the Reluctant Grownup.

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Worst. Vacation. Ever.

I wrote about this in brief, but here is the excessively long version. When we took X to the hospital, JW reviewed my blog archives to get the details about the boys' previous ER visits, so here's another entry for the medical records slash baby book slash journal.

Tuesday: X was sent home with diarrhea.

Wednesday and Thursday: X stayed home. We called a nanny service, which was a lifesaver. On Thursday X seemed back to his normal happy self.

Friday: I could tell when X woke up that something was wrong. He was fussy and refused his breakfast. Being the greatest mom in the world, I took him to daycare anyway and crossed my fingers that he'd make it through the morning because I had several meetings scheduled. He didn't make it an hour. I was in the middle of a phone interview for an in-house job when my cell phone started buzzing with a call from daycare. I barely heard another word the interviewer said and mispronounced the name of the company at the end. To paraphrase Young MC, that's one more job I won't be gittin'. I picked up X and JW came home and spent most of the day with him. X seemed cranky and had a slight fever, but was otherwise OK. At night he woke up coughing. I called my physician brother, who prescribed a steroid that he said would fix the coughing.

Saturday: K went to a birthday party at an indoor place full of giant inflatable structures. So much yelling and racing around. It reminded me why we will never have another party at home. X continued with his fever and coughing. We decided to drive to NY anyway as planned, en route to our family vacation in DC, because if X was going to be miserable he might as well be miserable on vacation. But we still thought it was just an ordinary bug until we saw how bad he got that night. Between 3 and 6 a.m., I held X and walked continuously around the room while he alternately dozed on my shoulder and coughed himself awake.

Sunday: X's coughing and breathing continued to worsen throughout the day. My sister-in-law suggested that we get a nebulizer, a machine that delivers inhaled breathing treatments. We had been using a spacer (basically an inhaler), but she said this would be more effective. It helped, but not enough. In the evening my brother and JW brought X to the ER where my brother works. I wasn't feeling well myself and was worn out from being up all night, so I stayed home and got some sleep. While in the ER, X got an IV magnesium treatment and was started on a course of steroids. Around 2:30 a.m., my brother texted saying that X had been admitted.

Monday: When I arrived at the hospital in the morning, X was limp in JW's arms. He spent the day sleeping and wheezing for breath while receiving breathing treatments every two hours. By the end of the day he could remain conscious for longer, but still wasn't breathing well. The doctors explained that he had "reactive airway disease" that is triggered by infection. His airways had constricted and were filled with mucus. They explained the warning signs and told us that in the future, if we notice any coughing or even if he just gets sick and doesn't appear to have breathing issues, we should start him on the nebulizer to avoid problems. We asked if this was asthma and they said that asthma has to be diagnosed over multiple occurrences, so technically it's not asthma (but to me it seems like it's basically the same). The doctors also told us they were running a virus panel to see if he had the flu, but didn't have the results yet. While in the hospital, we heard news of the Boston marathon bombing and fielded many emails and calls from friends asking if we were okay. We told some people we were out of town and others that we were not in Boston, but not okay.

Tuesday: X was significantly better, but still needed the treatments every two hours. We talked to my brother, who pushed our doctors for more aggressive treatment since X was recovering so slowly. They added racemic epinephrine and Atravent, both additional inhaled treatments to clear the airways. X improved a lot with the additional treatments, but it was clear we weren't getting out yet. X discovered Thomas the Tank Engine and spent a lot of time watching Thomas videos during his treatments, when he had to sit quietly. He slept a lot and only stayed awake for an hour or two at a time.

Wednesday: Virus panel finally came back. X had the flu and rhinoenterovirus. The doctors thought the combination of viruses might explain the severity of the attack and X's difficulty recovering. Because X had the flu, he had to remain confined in the hospital room and also started taking Tamiflu. My brother convinced them to give X several back-to-back treatments since he still needed the treatment every two hours. He improved significantly and by the end of the day we were able to push the treatments farther apart. At home, Grandma came to visit and spend some time with K.

Thursday: X was much better! He managed to stretch his treatments to four hours apart, which meant they would let us go and continue the treatments with the nebulizer at home. Since he was so much improved, he got really punchy from being confined, and by the end of the day was picking up everything he could and hurling it across the room. He also got several timeouts for hitting and biting. (But that was nothing compared to how many timeouts Elmo got for biting X. X kept sending "Elmo timeout seat!" every few minutes.) By 5 p.m., the paperwork was finally done and we were on our way home. X was fascinated by the fish and the gift shop in the lobby, and had to be dragged out to the parking garage and into the car. We set our alarms to continue giving X treatments every four hours around the clock. K was excited to have us home for more than a few hours -- we had been coming home to put him to bed, and once I came home and took him out to lunch, but mostly we'd both been at the hospital or sleeping. I told him I was sorry his vacation didn't work out, and he said he was disappointed we didn't get to go to DC, but he had enjoyed his time at my parents' house and maybe we could go to DC another time. I had been really cranky and tired before that but I just gave him the biggest hug.

Friday: X and I hung around at my parents' house while JW and K went to have a boys' day out in NYC. We were happy K got to do something special after hanging around all week. Luckily my niece was also home for most of the week so they could play together. (Unluckily, my sister-in-law caught the flu from X.) K and his cousin, among other things, opened a store. Their store sold notes. The notes said "A swift kick in the butt," or "A quick punch in the butt," or just "Butt." There were a few that said "Boo" to appease the disapproving grownups. The store was called, of course, "Butt Notes," and was located on the top bunk. When I went in K's room at night, there was a sign saying, "The store is closed."  But anyway, that day there were no butt notes. They went to the top of the Empire State building, ate lunch out, and visited the Nintendo store, the Lego store, and FAO Schwarz where K bought a Lego set. Meanwhile, X and I spent literally an hour at the end of the driveway watching trucks cart away logs across the street, left over from last fall's hurricane. After sleeping on top of me all week, X was not happy about going back to the Pack and Play. At night after the kids went to bed, we tuned in to the news again to check on the manhunt back home for the bombers. It was surreal to see our suburban neighborhood on national news. Look, there's Ed, our town's police chief. Look, there's the hardware store. Our house was in the perimeter where the police were searching and a neighbor emailed me a picture of the SWAT team in our backyard.

Saturday: X continued to improve. We took the boys to a baby shower for a childhood friend, stopped by Nonna's house in the Bronx (possibly for the last time, since she's planning to move out to an assisted living facility), and arrived home at night. We could tell the police had been in our garage, since a few things had been moved around, and the street a few blocks away where the second bomber was caught was blocked off with traffic cones. Otherwise things seemed normal.

Sunday: So, so, so happy to be home. X was well enough that we backed off the treatments, and had dinner at a friend's house who has kids almost the same age as ours.

Monday: So not happy to be back at work after our decidedly unrelaxing week. My parents came to town to help out for a day or two. K now says he is sick. I think X can be done with the breathing treatments after today and can return to school tomorrow.

It's officially spring, so can we please, please be done with all of the illnesses? This winter has been brutal. At least there shouldn't be any more snowstorms.

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Lean In: Chapter 10, Let's Start Talking About It, and Chapter 11, Working Together Toward Equality

Home stretch! The last two chapters wrap up the ideas presented in the rest of the book and conclude with a call to action, saying men and women must work together to achieve equality for everyone.

Chapter 10: Let's Start Talking About It

Most people would agree that gender bias exists... in others. We, however, would never be swayed by such superficial and unenlightened opinions. Except we are. Our preconceived notions about masculinity and femininity influence how we interact with and evaluate colleagues in the workplace.

Let's face it, we are constantly confronted with gender issues in the workplace and everywhere else, as much as we like to pretend that everything is fair and equal. And we ALL, men and women, have these gender roles firmly internalized, as much as we want to believe that men and women are 100% equal. So, as awkward as it is, we need to discuss these issues openly in order to deal with them. The more women try to fit in and not call attention to their gender, the more things stay the same.

Moreover, the more we all try to pretend we're not biased, the less conscious we are of behaviors that promote inequality. Endless studies support this statement, including one similar to the Heidi/Howard study where both men and women subjects not only favored the male candidate to the female one when the two had identical resumes, but actually shifted the hiring criteria in favor of the male applicant and away from the female one. For instance, if the resume showed a strong educational background, respondents said it was a critical hiring criterion when the applicant was a man, but that it wasn't important when the applicant was a woman.

In another study, men with SAHM wives viewed the presence of women in the workplace less favorably then men with wives who worked, and were less likely to promote women -- even though these men undoubtedly don't think of themselves as being biased, and are more likely to engage in "benevolent sexism," including saying that women are superior to men in areas like moral reasoning ("which makes them better equipped to raise children -- and perhaps less equipped to succeed in business").

Recent changes at Harvard Business School demonstrate the power of being conscious of bias. The new dean of HBS set out to close the performance gap between American men, on one hand, and women and international students, on the other hand. By making relatively minor changes, including redefining "leadership" as "making others better as a result of your presence and making sure that impact lasts in your absence," assigning projects for predetermined small groups, and adding a year-long field course, the performance gap virtually disappeared in only two years. All students, including American men, reported higher levels of satisfaction.

Sandberg discusses her famous TED talk. Colleagues cautioned her not to talk about gender issues publicly lest she get pigeonholed. But the response from both women and men was so strong and so positive that she knew she was on the right track. She heard from leaders who made small changes to their behaviors to make their organizations more gender-neutral, like the professor of medicine who started calling on male and female students evenly instead of waiting for raised hands, or the executive who points out in meetings when men interrupt women or take credit for their ideas. Sandberg realizes that she's in a position of power and that it's difficult for more junior women -- and especially for men at any level -- to raise gender issues, so she embraces making this "her thing."

Chapter 11: Working Together Toward Equality

Today, despite all the gains we have made, neither men or women have real choice. Until women have supportive employers and colleagues as well as partners who share family responsibilities, they don't have real choice. And until men are fully respected for contributing inside the home, they don't have real choice either.

We all have to work together to obtain true equality. Men and women need to support each other so that they can be equals both at work and at home. And women need to ditch the mommy wars and support each other, although we shouldn't expect support from every individual woman in our lives. As more women come into power, the actions of any individual woman won't be seen as representing all of womankind, because it will be clear that these are all just people. Instead of "women CEOs," they will just be CEOs. Instead of a "woman president," she will just be the president. Sandberg says it's time. We can achieve this in our generation if we all work together and lean in.

The very last page encourages readers to join the Lean In online community and to form "Lean In Circles," small groups that support each other in leaning in.

That's all, folks! What did you think?

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Lean In: Chapter 9, The Myth of Doing It All

Chapter 9: The Myth of Doing It All

The right question is not "Can I do it all?" but "Can I do what's most important for me and my family?" 

If I had to embrace a definition of success, it would be that success is making the best choices we can... and accepting them.

Having it all is a myth. We all make tradeoffs. But women struggle with the perception, both internal and external, that we need to devote our full attention both to work and to raising their children. We have to accept that parenting is demanding and chaotic, and do whatever we can manage without guilt. We also need to be open about this despite "the fear of appearing to be putting our families above our careers." Trying to hide the demands and chaos will just make us crazy. Sandberg gives several examples of this -- scheduling her own meetings outside the office so nobody would realize she was only working 9-5:30, sitting through an extended dinner with a colleague who was clearly becoming more and more uncomfortable until she finally admitted she needed to leave to nurse her newborn -- but she really doesn't need to because we've all been there. While these examples are about parenting, she emphasizes that these issues affect everyone, whether single or married, parents or not.

While I have come to many of the same conclusions during my career mini-crisis over the past year, I think "sharing your truth" in this way is one of the most difficult recommendations she makes. There's only so much embracing the chaos that I can do before it all seems impossible. Take my current situation, for example. Two weeks ago, I billed 45 hours, including 11 on my birthday, while dealing with a sick child who was home for three days, despite working "part time" and having requested Friday as a vacation day far in advance. I cleared the decks so I could take a vacation the following week and instead ended up in the hospital with my kid. He still needs around-the-clock care for at least a few more days, and I have a pile of emails and requests to get through on Monday. Yeah, I guess we can cobble something together like we always do. And sure, I strive for serenity about these things. And I've been open with everyone about my vacation, sick kid, etc., and have clearly told people what I can and cannot do. But they keep asking and demanding. At some point, actually at many points, I think, how can this possibly be worth it?

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Lockdown

It's been a surreal week. In case you've been wondering why I have completely ignored the dramatic events in my hometown this week in favor of an in-depth examination of "Lean In," it's because we were supposed to have a family vacation this week in Washington, DC. I scheduled all those posts in advance because I wasn't planning to be in front of a computer. Instead, we made it halfway to DC when X's breathing got so bad we had to take him to the ER. On Monday, he was gasping for air and struggling to stay awake when we heard the news about the Boston marathon bombing. And last night, we had finally brought him home to my parents' house in New York and thought things would start returning to normal when we received a text at 2:30 a.m. from the town police department, informing us that our town was on lockdown. Throughout the day we kept hearing neighbors' reports of gunfire in the streets and seeing maps showing a manhunt through our neighborhood and shots fired on the corner where we used to live. After putting X to bed, I turned on the TV and was proud to see my neighbors cheering police officers in the streets. Seems very odd to be away from home during this intense time in my community.

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Lean In: Chapter 8, Make Your Partner a Real Partner

Chapter 8: Make Your Partner a Real Partner

I was prepared to do some eye-rolling for this chapter. Instead this was the chapter I most strongly agreed with and appreciated in the book. I only wish the title weren't so woman-centric, because the message here is really aimed at men.

This chapter starts out by pointing out discrepancies in hours spent on childcare and household management by men and women, and suggests they should be equal. She argues that women are not more naturally inclined to do this kind of nurturing, and even if we are men can learn to do it just as well. She points out that women need to remember this and not act a "maternal gatekeepers."

Then comes the meaty part: "Unfortunately, traditional gender roles are reinforced not just by individuals, but also by employment policies.... We judge men primarily by their professional success and send them a clear message that personal achievements ate insufficient for them to be valued or feel fulfilled." Men are discouraged, subtly or overtly, from taking any leave of absence to care for babies and from taking advantage of flex-time policies. Stay-at-home dads are ridiculed and feel isolated. We need to overcome these gendered expectations one family at a time by making equal partnerships the norm, where both partners are truly seen as, and believe themselves to be, equally capable and committed to both family and work.

I love this because I think this is the only solution to the "work-life balance" struggle. (A term Sandberg doesn't like, by the way; she says, when you put it that way, who would choose work?) It wouldn't be such a struggle if the workplace had more family-friendly policies. And that will never happen until the people in power face the same issues. That means women AND men need to see themselves as both primary caregivers and dedicated professionals. Otherwise, we continue the traditional pattern of designing a workplace for people who see work as their number one priority and have a backup person who will make the home their number one priority.

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Lean In: Chapter 7, Don't Leave Before You Leave

Chapter 7: Don't Leave Before You Leave

This chapter isn't actually split into two parts, but has two discrete messages.

Part 1: Don't opt out before you need to

Sandberg starts this chapter with her famous story about the woman who was thinking of pulling back at work for the sake of her future kids, when she didn't even have a boyfriend.  She backs up this idea of "leaving before you leave" with persuasive evidence that from a young age, both boys and girls learn that women will have a difficult time balancing work with family, while men can expect to focus on work and have a partner who supports them.  As a result, many women limit their careers before they need to, and end up with less satisfying jobs. By the time they do need to pull back temporarily, they are more likely to opt out of their unfulfilling job altogether. So women should lean in before they have kids, so they have more of a choice when the time comes.

However, she does not recommend that every woman lean in all the time. Her example is that she says she turned down the CEO position at LinkedIn because she was trying to get pregnant with kid #2. She doesn't say whether she regretted it, but says Facebook came along when the timing was better and it turned out fine, even though her daughter was only 7 months old and it was really hard for the first 6 months or so. I'm not sure what we should take away from this story.

To help women avoid leaving before they leave, Sandberg says companies should talk openly with employees about their reproductive plans, including during the job interview process. This gets a big fat no from me. If it's done in a very sensitive way by the right person, maybe -- but as a policy, forget it. This requires a major change in the workplace before it's a viable option. And if that change occurred, women wouldn't have to be afraid of reconciling their reproductive plans with work, so it wouldn't be an issue.

Part 2: Both men and women need to be equally likely to be the primary caregiver

When a couple announces that they are having a baby, everyone says "Congratulations!" to the man and "Congratulations! What are you planning on doing about work?" to the woman.

The second half of the chapter discusses the assumption that women will be the primary caregivers for children. She has some sobering but unsurprising statistics here. Women whose husbands work 50+ hours per week are 44% more likely to quit their jobs and care for children than women whose husbands work less. I've seen this repeatedly at the firm, where the intelligent and accomplished wives of my male colleagues drop out of the workforce like flies. Surveys of Harvard Business School and Yale alumni reveal that 90+% of male graduates are continuously employed full-time, while female graduates' full-time participation in the workforce drops to about 50-60% two decades out. Out of male college students who anticipate work-life balance issues, 46% expect their spouse to drop out of the workforce to raise their children. Only 5% of women expect the same. Sandberg argues that "[t]his exodus of highly educated women is a major contributor to the leadership gap."

Sandberg has a great analogy here. A career is like a marathon. As the men run along, people shout words of encouragement. As the women run along, people shout, "You don't have to do this!" or even, "Why are you running when you should be home taking care of your kids?"

She goes on to say why staying in the workforce is a good idea -- satisfaction, potential earnings, ability to have greater satisfaction and more flexible schedules as you grow more senior, difficulty of rejoining the workforce after a break.

Finally, she points out that "[i]f we make it too easy for women to drop out of the career marathon, we also make it too hard for men." Both men and women should be able to make the same choices, and have them be equally valid choices, when it comes to careers and personal lives.

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Lean In: Chapter 6, Seek and Speak Your Truth

Chapter 6: Seek and Speak Your Truth

Maybe someday shedding tears in the workplace will no longer be viewed as embarrassing or weak, but as a simple display of authentic emotion. And maybe the compassion and sensitivity that have historically held some women back will make them more natural leaders in the future. In the meantime, we can all hasten this change by committing ourselves to both seek -- and speak -- our truth. 

This chapter starts out with some basic advice: open and honest communication is important in the workplace. Communicating honestly without hurting feelings is a learnable skill that requires empathy for the other person. Seek and provide honest input, advice, and feedback. Use humor. Own your weaknesses.

The interesting part comes at the end. Anne-Marie Slaughter called for a shift in workplace culture that would allow us to express emotion and acknowledge our personal lives at work, without fear that it would harm our reputations. Sandberg is telling us to go for it. Sharing emotions can help us connect with colleagues, and being open about our personal lives allows us to navigate the workplace with less stress. Here she tells a story about admitting that she was turning down a prestigious job because she was getting divorced and wanted to be far away from her ex. When she was ready for the position a year later, she was able to call and say she was now interested and ready. If she had made up a story about not wanting the job for professional reasons, she wouldn't have been able to do that without sacrificing credibility. Sandberg says that in this age of eroding boundaries between work and home, we're better off being our authentic selves at work.

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