Lean In: Chapter 3, Success and Likeability

Chapter 3: Success and Likeability

This chapter is all about the double bind that U.S. women face. Unlike men, to be likeable, women need to be accommodating. If we're accommodating, we can't get ahead. And if we're not likeable, we can't get ahead.

Sandberg starts with a business school study. Two professors took a Harvard Business School case about real-life entrepreneur Heidi Roizen and how she built up and worked her network to become a successful venture capitalist. Half the students received the case as written. The other half received the exact same case, but with the name "Heidi" changed to "Howard." Students of both genders ranked Heidi and Howard the same on competence, but they said Heidi seemed selfish and "not the type of person you would want to hire or work for," while Howard would be a good colleague.

As a result, women are reluctant -- with good reason -- to tout their own achievements. They also tend to be expected to do things for the communal good, like uncompensated work. This explains the recent finding that even when women do negotiate, they still end up with lower salaries than men. According to Sandberg, "[e]ven when a woman negotiates successfully for herself, she can pay a longer-term cost in goodwill and future advancement" because both male and female colleagues will view her in a negative light for failing to live up to the female stereotype.

Sandberg's advice is to delicately navigate this double bind by trying to appear communal, nice, and nurturing while negotiating. Smile and be "relentlessly pleasant." Frame the negotiation in a larger context by showing how it's for the good of  the team. For instance, you can preface a salary negotiation by explaining that since you know women generally get paid less than men, you will negotiate rather than accepting the initial offer -- so in effect, you're negotiating on behalf of all women. Substitute "we" for "I" (I've heard the opposite advice in discussions about self-advancement, but I guess negotiation is a somewhat different context): "We had a great year." Point to external, objective measurements: "My understanding is that people in my position with this many years of experience generally make $__." Say, if true,  that someone more senior suggested the negotiation. 

In addition to negotiating in a way that conforms to feminine stereotypes, Sandberg advises women to lean on each other and learn not to take attacks personally. She also suggests that women should not shy away from acknowledging their own power and leadership, which I think somewhat contradicts her negotiation advice. I guess you can look in the mirror and say, "I'm a powerful leader," and you can say it to your friends, but when you're talking to other people you should say, "We have a great team?"

Finally, Sandberg points out that having a critical mass of women in leadership roles obviates the need for all of this delicacy and dancing around. Once people accept that it's normal for women to be leaders, the stereotypes break down and women are no longer penalized for acting like leaders. I have seen this happen. In the Brown computer science department, there were major gender issues and many women, myself included, felt like we were constantly questioned and had to prove ourselves. I found the women in computer science group to be a haven. So when I got to Harvard for grad school, I tried to start a group there. But the undergrad women all shrugged and said they felt they were treated exactly the same as the men, and after spending some time there I agreed. The difference? Powerful female faculty members in the Harvard CS department. Only one female faculty member at Brown, who decamped for MIT shortly after I graduated. It wouldn't occur to a CS student at Harvard that there was anything questionable about a woman who was good at CS.